I’ve been trying to write a poetic post for a few days now and it seems as though once I forget about it I finally get some incentive. My world, right now, is calm. Well, it’s calm for me. I’ve been going out, a lot. But I haven’t gone out with my friend with the Mister in a long while. She is, however, coming over for the long weekend on Sunday. What this means to me is that Friday night I will stay home, take a bath, meditate, do some yoga and “get ready” for her to invade my space, my zen, my home.
Seems drastic right? But she has this way of sucking all the air out in a room for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love her like a sister but that doesn’t always mean we get along. I don’t remember the last time I’ve actually finished a story that I’ve started to tell her. There’s a lot of times we go out and I feel so small next to her. It is what it is.
Part of the reason she and I talk when we don’t see each other is because of her Mister though. This is where things get sticky. He was having issues at home and because of that he deleted all her contact information. BUT he still kept texting me. He’d told me all this stuff and after about a week he’d asked me for her info again. I sent it to him and they started talking again and he’s completely lied to her about a bunch of shit. Now, here’s where my vault of secrets is crammed. She’s telling me these things and I know they’re lies but he knows that she tells me stuff so WTF? The whole situation is exhausting and I don’t actually care anymore. That’s their drama to figure out but if I hear her say, one more time, “I’m done!” and not actually be done I’m moving… far, far away.
Moving on… I’ve been having this reoccurring dream lately. I’m pretty sure it has to do with whats going on around me but it’s intriguing. Add that to the fact that Sunday morning I received a “emergency text” from my Shaman friend who needed me to call her ASAP. This happened a few hours after the drummer and I had a decent phone conversation. So I assumed it had to do with that and it did. I never tell her anything, she’s a Shaman, she just knows shit. I actually had thought that I wouldn’t see or hear from the drummer again but he, surprisingly, called. As I literally just typed that my Shaman friend just texted me that he IS a good guy… Seriously? She knows everything!
I still don’t know about him though. It’s weird. We had a good conversation but nothing that hasn’t been said before. I could deal with our sexual tension just being that if we were friends. I’ve said before that my friends, I give the world to, my fucks get nothing. But one thing that sticks out to me is that one night, while we were both sober, he said something about me not getting enough attention and I replied with “Yeah, well you’re not that happy”. It was a joke of sorts but he’s got this look in his eyes that tells me he’s actually not happy. I really didn’t just pull that out of my ass. But my Shaman friend said this too. He made a joke about that being bullshit so who knows?
You know, the strange things in my life. I go out on dates and don’t write about them here because there’s no chemistry or connection. I see old boyfriends or FWBs and still don’t write about those things here because, again, there’s no connection but some guy, in some band that I am not even sure that I like yet and he gets space. My life is weird.
He has been in my dreams lately, which I hate. I try to not think about this guy and once I finally pass out at night my sub-conscious wants to think about him… This is bullshit. BUT in my dreams, which with him are mostly sexual, he comes over in a suit… There is nothing more sexy than a man in a black suit, white shirt, that’s just here for one reason. There’s usually not a lot of talking but a whole lot of sex. I’ve woken up from these needing to take a cold shower or two to actually start my day.
My friend was saying that she needed to “find a way” for the drummer and I to be alone soon. She wants to have her hands in everything. I think it’s because I told her I was done with the band and everything and she thinks if we start sleeping together then it’ll be incentive to keep going to their shows. She wants to send him all these messages and make up all these stories and I just told her, “Stop. He’s trying to be good. I’m not forcing anything. If it happens then it happens.” Truth is, I told him the other night that I’d never lie to him and I mean that which is more a friend thing that a fuck thing. But I also watch how she screws things up so I’d never tell her anything about anything. She thought the whole “biting my neck” was from me falling down until HE confessed. You all know here how private I am. She’d actually taken pictures of my neck to yell at him for not “taking care of me” that night.
I get so annoyed at myself for being such an intelligent woman and yet ONLY talking about boys on here and the oddest of boys too. I had a great time with my niece the other day and my uncle but don’t write about that. I had a decent date with a doctor the other night and don’t talk about that. I found out that an old friend had passed the other day… Didn’t write about that. I’m a mess and so are my priorities. Which is why, September, will be a month of me. I’ve decided to dedicate the entire month to myself. Working harder, working out harder, playing harder 🙂 … It’s all about doing things better, about forgetting everyone else for a while. It’ll be a nice change of pace. Fuck everyone else for a month, it’s all about me. It’s weird that I say that and don’t actually feel bad. I have been a nurture for so long to others that I’ve put myself last. I don’t mean any of that in a bad way I just need to decompress.
So those are my un-poetic, un-apologetic words for today. I guess I just needed to get something out there. xxx