Secrets and lies… Which is worse?

This weekend didn’t go as expected at all. In fact it took a turn for the worst yesterday evening. The weekend was going well. I was having fun and but in one single moment Saturday night, things went spiraling down after a one worded answer.

I know that sounds vague but it’s someone else’s truth and not mine to tell but it was something that brought back a world of secrets from last year. I hadn’t actually planned on telling anyone what happened last year that brought me to my lowest point ever but in a moment of pure emotion it just came out.

It should have been a happy moment but in truth it just reminded me of the things that I don’t have in my life. It brought back pain and a terrible feeling of just how alone I felt last year and that I’m not much further than I was this time last year. Have I really boxed myself in so deep that nothing will penetrate this anymore?

So do I just put it on another list of things that I need to work on? Is it possible to get passed all the past? Is it likely that I will actually let someone in ever again? Did things get so messed up that I just feel like I’m entirely alone? On the other side of the coin, if this is how I’ve operated my entire life is it ok for someone to be angry with me because I have my secrets? There mine to tell or not to tell right?

I’ve tried to talk about stuff whether in therapy or to someone and it’s never made things better in my opinion. In fact, most times it just makes it worse because then whoever you tell just is allowed to reference that whenever they want or ask questions about things.

These are the romantic relationship moments where I’d be crying and telling my “other half” about what went wrong and they’d be listening intently and at the end of it all they’d know to either offer their opinion or to just shut up and hold me tight. I need a mature and strong man to be with to help me through the moments like I’m having now.

I tried to go out tonight and take my mind off things, which it did for a moment. But then I come back home and it’s the reminisce of the beginning of the weekend that just make me feel more alone and sad. I then took a long shower that boiled my skin just to feel something else, did my skincare routine and sat down at the computer to type except I found myself googling jobs in other cities, in other states. I’m well aware that leaving behind a city doesn’t allow you to leave behind your problems but it’s something new. It’s a start.

I’m not even sure, at this point, that I care where I end up. Any city in any other state would make me happy right now or at least in my mind it will. There is nothing left for me here. I could get another job anywhere else. I don’t have any romantic connections here.

I actually submitted my resume to some places that I never thought I’d move to. Maybe one day I’ll actually run away and find something happy, something that I haven’t found in a very long time. I am one hundred percent sure that my time here is done. Coming to the realization that there’s nothing left here for me is a hard truth to accept but maybe one that I’ve needed to realize for a very long time.

Oh what a boring, lonely, mess I’ve made for myself with no idea how to clean things up. There’s only one thing that would make me stay and that’s finding some comfort and safety in someone. Problem with that is that there’s none in sight for even just a brief glimmer of hope on that front.

Tonight I am thoroughly convinced that I’m living someone else’s life. If this was a movie we’d be at the part where I’d find some worth while meaning helping someone else, or I’ve meet a man in the grocery store, or I’d cut my hair, change my name and move to some remote town in Utah as if I was being witness protection plan relocated. Except it’s not a movie. This is my life right now and I’m entirely unsure what to do next or where things went wrong.

Is there such a thing as a male order groom? That seems cruel to say where there’s one man in my life that’s never given up on me and wants to make me happy but he’s never been my comfort or my safety but he does treat me with some amazing respect.

I have new skills that will help me from staying in this dark hole that I’ve just been thrown back into so maybe that’s why I’m not too worried about getting myself back out into the light but I have to say that there’s a strange comfort is feeling like this again. I suppose it’s primarily because I’ve been here before but also because it feels like maybe I deserve it again.

I’m unsure which direction to go in because I have no map and nothing that even resembles direction. Today I’m having a hard time believing in fate or karma or anything that tells me I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I don’t know what I believe right now, if anything at all. I just wish I didn’t feel this entirely alone.

It’s way too quiet in here tonight and all it does is leave me with thought which just make me sad. Hopefully sleep will be some sort of medication that I need. We shall see. This is the part, in my movie, where I drop to my knees and ask God for some sort of sigh that will lead me to the next part of my life with the next person in my life. The difference this time is that I know my prayers will be unanswered.

It’s a gloomy night tonight which actually fits right in with my emotions. I hope someone in this universe is listening tonight and if you are sad and feeling alone maybe it’ll be some sort of comfort to you that I feel the exact same way right now so I guess we can both feel alone together.

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OCD overdrive and other rambling thoughts…

It’s officially, maybe it’s the full moon but my OCD has kicked in to overdrive. I started to put things away, then noticed my makeup was messy so I started cleaning that up which turned into needing my electric screwdriver which I can’t find anywhere. Now it’s 11 pm and I am so ampped up that it’s crazy.

I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. This weekend is the start of my birthday celebration month. Yes, I get a whole month because I want it. I’m not too excited about the actual birthday itself but I am excited that I get to see a bunch of people to celebrate it. Even if I didn’t have all these plans to look forward to my mind is in cleaning and organizing everything.

Everywhere I look either at home, in my car or at work I just want to straighten things up or throw away a bunch of stuff. I’m not sure if this is my way of cleansing for the new year or if I truly am in need of a distraction right now. However, being distracted does help curb those less than awesome feelings I was having before the year ended.

It’s the little things that I think about that make me feel sad sometimes. It’s the fact that I’m in the exact same place, same job, same home, same body as last year. I want things to change up so much. I am focused on this being a great year but so far it’s been a whole lot of routine so that I can get better. I am aware of the phrase, “Nothing changes if nothing changes”. That can be applied to a whole lot of things in my life.

The other thing that was starting to get to me was thinking about my friend that I wrote about yesterday. It’s not so much of him per say but it’s more about the sort of relationship that I want to have in my life right now. I think I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m not normal and neither are my relationships. If I was I’d have settled down by now and have that 2.5 kids, dog, husband and a white picket fence but that’s not who I am.

That’s not to say that I don’t crave normal but it’s at constant odds with my need for different. I’ve said this before but it’s the little things that I want. I want someone to bring me my coffee the way I like it in the morning after some really hot morning sex. I want someone who’s by my side encouraging me to do things that I don’t think I can do. I want someone that will use the other half of my gym membership since I’m paying for it anyway and come sweat with me after work.

See, it’s the simplistic things. If I could put all the things I’ve like about each boy in a blender I’d have the perfect guy. I’d have a guy that writes me silly little post it notes and leaves them for me to find around the house. I’d have a guy that gets frustrated with me about my silly little habits like throwing the empty toilet paper roll close to the trash can but secretly likes it because it’s a thing I do. I’d have a guy that already knows my order from our favorite restaurant. The big stuff is less important to me than the small things. Like I said, there’s little pieces of perfection in every guy I’ve known. That’s why they’ve been in my life.

That’s another part of life right now. Even though I have options, there are no men that I am romantically interested in. That feels a little empty. All the flirting is the same, all the drinks are with the same and all the jokes have already been told and re-told. This goes back to my aversion to normal but the necessity to have it in my life right now.

I’d love to cash in all my stocks and bonds and CD’s and just fly somewhere remote. I’d love to start something new right now. I need another reason to smile aside from just because I have to every morning to help start the day.

While I was writing in my gratitude journal the other day I wrote, “I’m grateful for sex”. I know, you’re shocked right? But after I wrote that I realized that it was no longer about the sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love that part but it’s also about the comfort and feelings that come with just an embrace or a kiss… Doesn’t even have to turn into that but I miss that part of relationships. See, another thing that I took for granted for years.

I will say this though, I’ve gotten into this calming routine right before bed which I am also grateful for. It’s really a single girl thing but it involves a cleansing ritual, a writing ritual and a bedtime ritual. While doing that tonight I’m winding down enough to calm down a bit. It’s my tiny bit of self-indulgent peace for the day. I say that as I get just a little stressed looking at my almost 600 emails that I need to go through.

I am grateful tonight for past boyfriends that gave me something to miss, of the simple things in life and of the great friends that all want to do something spectacular for my birthday. What are you grateful right now?

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Is chivalry dead or just hiding…?

A couple weeks ago, during the whole holiday hustle, I got to see an old boyfriend that I hadn’t seen in quite a while. Our relationship quickly fizzled years back but it was important to stay friends with him for some reason. I never really understood what that reason was until a couple weeks ago.

I’ll start off by saying that I am a strong independent woman. There has never been much that I’ve needed from anyone else. It’s both a fault and a strength. That being said though I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a man stand up for me. Knowing my history, you’ll understand that I never got that growing up and therefore grew up not needing it. I had boyfriends and male friends in the past want to “right the wrongs” in my past for me and in turn that would have “wronged the rights” in my opinion. The way I looked at my past is that it was mine to fix and mine alone. But most of that is for another night.

This story starts when my friend and I went out to a local bar. This would be the same establishment that I take most of my close friends to. We’d been there slowly sipping for about an hour and a half when, in rare form at this place, a fight broke out. First, without any sort of hesitation, my friend jumped up from across the table and moved me out of harms way. This was instinct for him. After a few moments of him making sure I wasn’t hurt, even though one of the neanderthals had managed to tap me on the back of the head with their elbow, my friend went and broke up the fight.

At that point the owner of the place came over, because we know each other, and had made sure I was ok as well. The owner then turned around to assess the damage which amounted to a few chairs misplaced and a drink or two spilled. My friend was talking to both the guys and separating them with his palmed arms stretched as much as he could.

I can’t say this entire incident had fazed me that much. It was an initial shock of the loud noise but the fighting was acknowledged as two drunk idiots ranting about something. What did shock me is that after my friend was done speaking with them, then the owner had decided to kick them both out, they were both directed to me to offer an apology.

That’s the point that I remembered why I needed him in my life AND why I was initially sexually attracted to him. He’s a strong man, in stature and strength but he uses his head first. Whatever he’d said to those guys was enough to get them to stop fighting and to apologize for not only smacking me on the back of the head but for also interrupting our evening. I don’t remember the last time a man was that concerned with my safety or my well being.

To be fair it’s not as if I’d opening admit that I needed a man’s help on something but he never cared what I was willing to admit. He just knew. That’s why we stay friends to this day. Aside from him, there’s mainly two types of men that I know, that we all know. They would be either the ones to jump into the fight or to run from the entire situation. He’s a rare breed. He was never required to fight for my honor but the fact that he chose to says more about his character than anything.

At the end of our evening together I kissed him. I kissed him with no intent or expectation but only to say “Thank you”. At the end of our evening together he kissed me back with no intent or expectation but only to say “You’re welcome”. I guess my assessment is that chivalry isn’t dead but it is hiding. A girl might not need a white knight but that’s not to say she doesn’t want one.

Tonight I am grateful for chivalrous men that actually care to make the right decisions with someone else in mind other than themselves. Far too many people are far too selfish these days, I am grateful for the ones that aren’t.

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Watching others and their choices…

This afternoon I was in the grocery store. With my tiny little cart filled with oranges, leafy greens and bottled water I waiting through the line. While it seemed like the store was overfilled for a Tuesday and the lines were already long, mine seemed to never move. In the midst of flirting with some guy via text I looked up and saw the woman in front of me. She was hunched over with a cane and I just assumed that she was aging and needed to take that extra time. The young girls behind me just made fun of her and cursed and were impatient. I just went back to my half-ass flirtation.

The cashier who was checking her out was patient, very very patient. I noted that he held much more patience than not just the young girls behind me, myself but also just about anyone in a rush to get somewhere. It was about then that I overheard the lady tell the cashier that she’d just been hit by a car, not long ago and she had just gotten out of the hospital. It was obvious that she was in a lot of pain and that she didn’t have anyone else who would have gone grocery shopping for her.

It appeared that the store was short staffed and all the customers were sacking their own groceries. I decided to leave my cart where it was and go assist the woman sacking her groceries. While doing this, I’m not sure that her mind was at full capacity but the cashier who couldn’t have even been 18 yet had more patience than I could have imagined. He listened to her. He was helpful when she couldn’t remember her pin number and assisted her writing her check.

The whole process that should have taken about 10 minutes took about 40 minutes and by the time the lady was actually being assisted out the door with her groceries I was so thoroughly impressed with the cashier that I asked him to call his manager over. He had a look on his face of being petrified. I told him, “Don’t worry. I think you handled that customer better than most people would. I want to offer a compliment to your manager for you.”

He replied with, “I don’t usually get compliments and the ones that I do get are usually bad.”

First, I quickly realized that he didn’t understand what the word ‘compliment’ actually meant but second I was surprised that he really never had anyone say anything nice about him. That part made me a bit sad. There is this young kid who, in my opinion, went above and beyond helping someone and it didn’t seem hard for him. It seemed that it was in his nature but no one ever really noticed that before?

That, right there, is why I am so over all the negativity that is everywhere. It’s on TV, social media, in discussion with strangers or even friends. I understand today more so than in a long time why someone coined the phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say…”

After that I came home and watched a YouTube video about three women who felt ugly, unattractive and boring. An interviewer in the video told them that they were beautiful, strong women and each one cried. Two of these ladies where probably over 50 and one was around 16. It baffles me that they’d never heard that before. It almost made me cry because that’s something that almost everyone needs to hear.

Beauty doesn’t mean, to me, that someone is outwardly attractive or has a great body or whatever the latest H&M ad on TV wants us to believe is beautiful. Beauty is comprised of what is on the inside of a person. Who cares if someone offers you a bouquet of roses if inside the bouquet is a pile of shit. It doesn’t make sense to me.

If you are someone who holds in compliments or holds on to the label “beautiful” until you think you’ve seen someone’s appearance you’re missing the entire point of what we are here for and to be quite honest you’re a shitty person. If you are that type of person, I hope we don’t meet.

I am guilty of the same. It’s easier to compliment a stranger for me than to compliment someone that I see all the time but I will do better. I will choose to do better and to make a point of complimenting more. It’s amazing what a few nice words can do to someone. It’s a selfless act that doesn’t make much time at all. Something as small as telling a woman that she has a beautiful smile or telling a man that he looks nice in a shirt… Anything works.

I just finished submitting a customer comment on the grocery stores web site because that kid needs to know that he did a pretty amazing thing today. And that’s my gratitude for the day.

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Freezing temps and freezing emotions…

This weekend was exactly what I needed. I thought I’d be staying in almost all weekend and enjoying the warmness of the inside all while knowing there would be a nice awesome chill outside. As an added bonus it snowed for about two minutes on Friday afternoon. It was nothing major but enough for me to remember why I missed snow.

Friday was a typical day at work. I came home and took a little nap then went out for a few hours. When I got home I started to get into a new TV show that my BFFs been telling me to watch for a while. Saturday was a little of the same thing. I worked for a little while, took a nap and then went out for a while and came home and watch some more of this new show.

I made sure to write in my gratitude journal every night. I made sure that the things I was grateful weren’t just the typical things. I tried to make notes of all the little things that happened throughout each day as well so I can look back and realize just how many blessings are in my life.

Then comes Sunday. I honestly thoughts I’d relax most of the day then have dinner with some friends at night. It didn’t exactly work out like that. I got up early and had my coffee. I then worked out for an hour and finished the “must do” items by working for a bit. Then around 1ish THE friend came over to re-watch Game of Thrones because there’s so much to miss in each episode.

I had no expectations and no plans of doing anything else. I was mentally writing the things I’m grateful for with him though. I am grateful that he scrubs the toilet. I am grateful that he cleaned his dishes tonight. I am grateful that he came over.

But with all the good, you know there’s bad as well. First, I’m trying to get health and for that to happen I can’t have crap food in my home. It’s always been a fear that if I didn’t keep it here that would be one less reason for him to come over because he usually eats it all. Today did nothing to stop those fears and he just seemed bored the majority of the time.

Another thing that I noticed was the lack of emotion, physical touching and words in general. He just seemed cold and distant. I hate that feeling because I don’t believe I’ve done anything to deserve that. He started a new job and I asked him how it was and he ignored the question so I left it alone. If I took away all the words that weren’t about the show we were watching we probably spent 5-10 words on each other.

When he’s seeing a new person he usually becomes distant like that. If that’s what going on then fine but I don’t know how much of this I can take before it ruins my mood. I’ve been doing so much better and I don’t want him or his lack of emotions or the fact that he’s got a new woman in his life to change things for us.

We really did use to have this really special friendship. I believe he described it as “unusually intimate and undefinable” before. I liked that version of us because the version we are now is just cold and boring. I don’t do cold and boring. That’s just not something that I want to invest my time in.

On a good day I get the impression that he holds back all these good or great emotions for me and that’s exciting even though I know that it’s a false hope type of situation. It at least makes things interesting but on a bad day I just feel like someone who THE friends just keeps an appointment with just in case he ever needs something important or when there’s an emergency. That’s not really a friend.

My version of a friend is something who texts you out of the blue with stupid things. A friend is someone that hugs you first before going to your fridge. A friend is someone that wants to have a conversation with you and doesn’t make you feel invisible.

In my world, Sunday’s are the worst days to do something with someone that you actually want to spend time with because one or both of you has to work the next day. So he keeps his Friday and Saturday nights free for new girls, other girls or better offers. That a pathetic thought. “How can I exert the least amount of energy to show her that I am a friend but don’t let it impede actually having fun”. I believe that’s his thought process.

I’m on the verge of tears here writing all this because I’ve not felt this bad for a while now and it’s not fair to me. When our mutual friend asks if THE friend and I have talked lately I’ve never felt like it was a lie to say no because we never talk and therefore not a lie. I could have a thousand friends make me feel great but he does or doesn’t do the littlest thing and it changes my mood entirely.

It’s painfully obvious that we are not real friends much less “unusually intimate and undefinable”. It’s a sad thing when you can see a relationship die right before your eyes. I’m sure since there was no stimulation for him here tonight that I won’t be seeing or hearing from him for a while. I hate this place we’ve in. Now that made me cry.

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Awesome Day 3 and still counting…

Today is day 3 of this awesome year so far. Work was exceptional. I got to catch up with an old friend even though we missed each other over the holidays. Lastly, I did something today that will forever change me and my health in such a good way. I’m not ready to tell you that part yet but I will one day.

Years ago I came across “The Secret” By Rhonda Byrne. I don’t even remember how this came into my world but it seemed to be at the exact moment that I needed it. I’m sure most of you know what this is by now. It’s a basic theory that whatever you want you can attract by the power of your mind, thoughts and actions. Seems stupidly simplistic right? Well, if it was then I’d have had a better year last year.

Truth is, when it first fell into my life and I practice what they preached it worked. If I wanted a guy I’d get him, if I wanted money I’d get it or if I just wanted small things I’d get those things as well. My good friend, who I lovingly call asshat, also did it and he got everything he wanted at that time as well.

It was around this time that someone in my life’s health started failing and I got distracted but I’ve recently started to focus on this again. Some of you might say that if things are that easy to get then why don’t I ask to win the lottery or have THE friend fall in love with me or something monumental. Well, I believe in things being returned 10 fold.

If I was to ask to win the lottery but it was supposed to go to someone else instead then I’d have done something bad. If I want money then it’s more about things like starting a business or getting a raise. Things that directly affect only me. Same with love. If I asked that someone who doesn’t or hasn’t already fallen in love with me do it then maybe I’d miss out on who I’m supposed to be with. So I don’t ask for things that might change other people’s outcomes.

If you listen to the movie, audiobook or read the actual book then you’ll understand just how powerful your thoughts are. For instance, have you ever woken up and immediately tripped after getting out of bed? A typical first thought would be, “Oh, it’s going to be that kind of day.” Then you get to work, spill coffee, have someone ding your car or realize that you’ve just missed the due date on a bill. Well, what if you just brushed off the initial trip and still said to yourself that you were about to have a fantastic day and that nothing is going to change that…

Want to punch me yet? Trust me I don’t blame you. It just doesn’t sound right except it works. And I haven’t even mastered 10% of the power of this yet. In my world, I needed a bit of extra cash so I started manifesting these thoughts and low and behold I came in to some extra cash and by extra I mean a lot. So I used some of that for the purpose that I needed it for but after that I made an investment in my health which is the best investment I could possibly make.

Recently though, I read that there’s three things you should keep to yourself if working “The Secret”. These items are: “Your love life, your income and your next move”. I’m not entirely sure that those came about from the secret but people seem to live by those items.

I shared those items with my brother over the holidays when we were having a “moment”. He and I actually had several moments over the last few months which is strange for us but appreciated since I miss real, true and meaningful moments. They were few and far between. Which led me to another one of my New Years resolutions (for lack of a better term). I want to be more honest with the people around me, the people I love. I want to give more compliments and do more things for those around me. As much as I’m going to make this year more about me than ever before it doesn’t mean that I can’t pass on kindness to those in my life that deserve it.

I’m tired of having silent moments or moments of just wasting time. Those things are changing for the better and I couldn’t be happier. Being able to catch up with my long time brother (from another… you know), tonight, and having him share some private life moments and private thoughts just made me realize that even though he and I don’t get to see each other much when we do get a chance to talk or catch up, it makes those moments so much more appreciated. He’s awesome and I love him. We never have a wasted moment between us. So, finishing up, I might be less inclined to speak of my love life, my finances and my ‘next move’ but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have anything to say.

Last year I spent most nights taking sleeping pills so that I would get to bed and just pass out because I didn’t want to face my own life. I take them now because I have too many ideas and great thoughts going through my mind to fall asleep. What a difference a day makes right?

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Year end review of the good stuff…

Okay, so last night was a fluffy of new years goals, lists of different things and a recap of last year. I’d already posted about the bad things that happened to entertainment last year but what I haven’t done is recap my year.

I’ve said enough bad things about it but it wasn’t to do with anyone else really. Most of what was bad about it was just a feeling of depression and being lonely in a room full of people. I wrestled with a lot of my own demons and it wasn’t until toward the end of the year that I really started to feel better. But before that I’d lost my momentum on my jar challenge.

If you remember, the jar challenge was recreated at the beginning of last year and it involved me writing on a slip of paper the good moments, the LOL moments and the happy moments of life. It’s not that they stopped but I just stopped writing them. So, in predictable fashion I’m going to tell you some of those now.

Spending the day with THE friend at our downtown aquarium and being able to enjoy the day.

Going to a concert on July the 4th with THE friend (there might be a lot of these in these) and going afterward to get ice cream floats.

Realizing that both my niece and THE friend do this forehead thing where they just put their forehead on mine. He’s not done it in a while though.

Having a heart-to-heart with both my boss and his girlfriend and their thanks afterward.

At the beginning of the year when THE friend reached out, apologized and we started to form a relationship again.

My GBF’s birthday party… It’s was so much fun!

Going to a friends wedding and meeting a guy we called “pony” and having him request and dance to some crazy shit.

Going to my GBF and I’s favorite restaurant and meeting a waiter who had a crush on me and always gave me free meals and drinks.

Changing direction with the career I have. Gaining a better position and officially being a business owner with less hours and a little less stress.

Going to see a bunch of movies.

Watching Oscar night with THE friend.

Spending a birthday weekend with my BFF and starting our fictional band, me as the singer and air drums and her on guitar and bass… I don’t it sounds silly but it totally rocked. We also had this whole Magic Mike thing AND a sexy photo shoot and a lip-sync battle thing.

Going to my BFF’s and my restaurant and having a seriously drunk guy buy us drinks all night.

My GBF and my BFF hanging out together for the first time.

Going through a ton of clothes at the beginning of the year with the help of my GBF and his sister who kindly took it all to Goodwill for me.

The party for me the night before my birthday.

Hanging out with another one of my best girl friends and her new son.

Meeting the “new guy” who just made me realize that I AM good enough and the feeling of someone falling in love with me. It’s an amazing and powerful things.

Spending time with my ex and realizing, again, that I AM good enough and the feeling of someone still being in love with me even with all my flaws.

All the occasions that THE friend actually had a compliment to give. I remember and smile.

My old boss realizing just what he lost when I no longer worked for him and his numerous apologies.

THE friend turning into the most beautiful OCD hulk and cleaning and organizing my kitchen.

Getting in exercise when I truly didn’t feel like doing it. This will be better this year though.

Coming up with hilarious reasons for my BFF as to why she couldn’t have sex with someone. They were outrageous and insane.

More than one sexy photo shoot was had and they were so much fun to do.

Our new years eve party last year 2015-2016 was pretty amazing.

Seeing an old friend that I hadn’t seen in twenty years and him remembering me as a young teenager.

Becoming friends with my boss’s girlfriend who I actually have a lot in common with.

Getting hugs and kisses from THE friend.

One particular blogger which I’ve gotten to know this year who has absolutely made my day on more than one occasion. Being able to call her a friend. Thank you DLJ!

Getting flowers and a gift from THE friend when both were truly unexpected.

THE friend cleaning the bathroom.

Spending all the good holidays with THE friend: Easter, Valentine’s Day, Christmas and my birthday even though he didn’t actually know it was my birthday.

Having THE friend make a birthday cake for me, and awesome pancakes.

There were so many other moments that didn’t make it into that jar and I fear that they will be forgotten but I’m glad that I have those moments that I can cherish. Instead of doing the jar challenge this year I’ve decided to have a Gratitude journal instead. As much as I like typing on my blog I also, very much enjoy the lost art of physically writing something.

While I stare at a large pile of streamers from last night and wondering how they made it this far without being swept up in the cleaning I’m reminded that each year I resolve to have better cleaning habits. That is changing this year. What I mean by that is I’m not making any resolutions or goals. I’m going to enjoy life a bit more and do a lot more things for myself.

There will be things that I want to accomplish and I will attempt those but I will not be killing myself or getting my feelings hurt if it wasn’t accomplished. I want to try new things and meet new people but still cherish the people that are already in my life.

While I will probably always want to be in a more meaning role in THE friends life I have no expectations and have let go of any hope for the better. I have resigned to the fact that I will never be the girl that will make him happy no matter how hard I try. This means I stop trying so hard and just be myself and that’s not a bad place to be.

So far this year has already been great. I hope you are having a great year as well and it continues to stay that way. Care to share any of your great moments of last year?

It’s now 1 am January 2nd and I am too excited to sleep so I feel like cleaning. Nite all.

best-is-yet