Yesterday, well over the last week or so has had a sobering effect on me. First, I am grateful for this out. My blog has saved me from saying things that some people should never know. I’m not a cold hearted person but keeping all my secrets leads me to blow up at times which is what happened yesterday. I needed the secrecy of this blog and the anonymity. As much as I am hurt beyond words, I would still never hurt him intentionally.
Today only proved that I was right though. There really is no way of working this out because he doesn’t want to and I’ve said all I needed to say. And yet with all that said I am the only one still talking about it, crying about it and being hurt over it. I guess we’ve just been broken for way too long and seeing that he’s so much happier not around me just cements this. Actually what truly cemented this is that he was never willing to work on this. I think it just all became clear over this weekend. I’m grateful for the clarity but am disgusted at how he must always prove my deepest thoughts true.
Now, with the full moon about it tends to draw everything to a head and pull out emotions that were burred for a long time. For me, that was every emotion. I’ve never been as mad, angry or upset with anyone in my life as I have with him. But you can’t love enough for two.
My journey from this point forward will be hard and I will have my breakdowns but there’s officially nothing left to do nor say at this point. I wish it never came to this so all I have left to do is take away anything that makes me think of him, any future plans are now gone and any things of his will be gone.
Just when it feels as though this world is shit you’re supposed to be able to rely on your friends to be there for you but he’ll never understand the smallest effort that he had to put in. I know for a fact that he doesn’t treat anyone else like this or he’d have no friends. I don’t even want to know why anymore. The only thing I need to do now is finish out this year and then everything changes. There will be no more posts about him. I am done. So just bare with me one last time so I can fully get things out of my system and hopefully none of this will ever be repeated again because my heart can’t take this again.
Sorry to the new guy but he’s out. And sorry to the next boy because my wall is even thicker than before. That is a coping mechanism of which I thought I’d never have to put up again but it seems as though I was wrong. I would never discourage anyone else from loving someone with their entire being, heart and soul. It appears it just doesn’t work for me. Good luck out there… We all need it.