Making my list and checking it twice…

You are all aware of my propensity to make lists. I’ve done this my whole life and it wasn’t until my Shaman friend said that this would drastically manifest things in my life that I wanted. Apparently, it doesn’t work for all but with my sign or aura or some shit it’s supposed to work. They also seem to calm my nerves.

So today, in between long distance phone calls between friends, I’ve been writing lists like a crazy person. First, my grocery list since it’s been a while that I’ve cleaned my fridge out and need to get rid of a lot of stuff I need to replace with some healthy food that I’ll actually eat.

Second, is my Christmas list. I’ve gotten everyone’s list back so now I just have to sort, shop and my perfect idea is that I get it all done so that I can take it all with me for Thanksgiving and give myself some down time during the month of December… We shall see just how well that goes.

Third, I have a work to do list of things that I have to do for private clients which include building web sites, finishing their books and finding ‘things’ that they can’t be bothered to find themselves. I can be nifty if the right person asks me.

Lastly, I’m still and always will be writing my list of things that I want in a man. I know that men are not perfect, no one is. However, the clearer that I am about what I want then I’ll know when I find it. No, I’ve not written off the new guy. However, it’s easier to not care as much about someone if you don’t see them. A few days turns into a few weeks and by then you’ve moved on.

There will always be things that I’ll keep on my man list like a smooth chest, late night drunken unannounced visits and being childlike without being childish. There’s a fine line to everything. Keeping promises, telling the truth and being loving and kind will also always be on that list. I will always need a man that’s strong enough to pull out things from me that I don’t know how to share. I’ve also always wanted to be in a relationship where I can be cuddling and reading a book and he could be watching TV with headphones on and it’s just as good as if we were in the middle of some great conversation.

I guess I want a puzzle piece relationship. You can kind of make out the picture if you see them separately but together it just makes sense. Neither or strong or weak at the same moment. One is silent while the others speaks. I’d even go so far as to say one is dirty as the other one is clean… It’s all about the ying and yang. But space, space is a big deal. No one, even married people should spend every free moment with the other. You can’t miss someone who never leaves your side. I’ve taken for granted all the times I’ve been told that I have been missed.

In my long trek to find out what I want I’ve come across so much of what I didn’t want. That’s the easy part, to know what you don’t want. I don’t want someone who’s so controlled by fear that they stay stagnant forever. In a strange twist of fate I don’t want someone who doesn’t communicate their feelings, emotions or fears. I don’t want someone who tries a bit of everyone only to realize that they passed up chances because of their fear of missing out. I don’t want a man that can’t keep promises, that can’t repay kindness and that find it more appropriate to spend nights out drinking than to repay debts to friends that use to mean something to them. And yes, that last one was specific.

I’m just tired of the old same old same… and just because I’m letting someone go doesn’t mean it’s easy. It’s hard as hell but just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do. If life was made out of all the right easy things to do there’d be nothing to complain about I guess. When you’re the only one who’s sad that you’ve left, or even realized that you’ve left it just proves the point even more.

I’ve always known that I couldn’t start a new relationship that I was serious about until I divested my self of the one that meant everything but returned nothing and now that is happening. Maybe by the time the new guy gets home I’ll be ready. There’s only so many chances that I’ll give someone. Opportunities are not in abundance especially if you don’t treat them well. That’s my lesson for today kids, if you truly cherish someone then prove it. If you don’t then be honest and let the other person move on. It’s better to hurt in the beginning than after three years of having your heart punched, beaten and torn.

My next journey is to let go of the pain, anger and frustration. That I will need help with.

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