Full moon for full emotions…

Yesterday, well over the last week or so has had a sobering effect on me. First, I am grateful for this out. My blog has saved me from saying things that some people should never know. I’m not a cold hearted person but keeping all my secrets leads me to blow up at times which is what happened yesterday. I needed the secrecy of this blog and the anonymity. As much as I am hurt beyond words, I would still never hurt him intentionally.

Today only proved that I was right though. There really is no way of working this out because he doesn’t want to and I’ve said all I needed to say. And yet with all that said I am the only one still talking about it, crying about it and being hurt over it. I guess we’ve just been broken for way too long and seeing that he’s so much happier not around me just cements this. Actually what truly cemented this is that he was never willing to work on this. I think it just all became clear over this weekend. I’m grateful for the clarity but am disgusted at how he must always prove my deepest thoughts true.

Now, with the full moon about it tends to draw everything to a head and pull out emotions that were burred for a long time. For me, that was every emotion. I’ve never been as mad, angry or upset with anyone in my life as I have with him. But you can’t love enough for two.

My journey from this point forward will be hard and I will have my breakdowns but there’s officially nothing left to do nor say at this point. I wish it never came to this so all I have left to do is take away anything that makes me think of him, any future plans are now gone and any things of his will be gone.

Just when it feels as though this world is shit you’re supposed to be able to rely on your friends to be there for you but he’ll never understand the smallest effort that he had to put in. I know for a fact that he doesn’t treat anyone else like this or he’d have no friends. I don’t even want to know why anymore. The only thing I need to do now is finish out this year and then everything changes. There will be no more posts about him. I am done. So just bare with me one last time so I can fully get things out of my system and hopefully none of this will ever be repeated again because my heart can’t take this again.

Sorry to the new guy but he’s out. And sorry to the next boy because my wall is even thicker than before. That is a coping mechanism of which I thought I’d never have to put up again but it seems as though I was wrong. I would never discourage anyone else from loving someone with their entire being, heart and soul. It appears it just doesn’t work for me. Good luck out there… We all need it.

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Ripping off the hand that fed you and ripping apart the heart that loved you…

This year is ending in almost the same way it ended last year, in betrayal. It’s so hard to believe that this is where we are at again and it’s all my fault. I should have never trusted enough to let it back again. If it was a silent betrayal it wouldn’t feel as though I was just being mocked at this point but it just proves that this is so over. It’s the kind of over that been dug up and resurrected from the grave only to have ripped apart again and again.

How many times do I need to be shown how completely insignificant this was to him? Adding insult to insult. While I ignored horrible emails from people going so far as to tell me that he’d given them an STD,  not that it mattered with us. Ignoring friends telling me that he’d just make me feel like shit and I never deserved that. People have never been accepting of whatever we were anyway and he’s never even tried to fight for a damn thing. The only things he’s ever emphasized is his lack of care and concern about me as a human and this relationships as anything but just a joke.

My masochistic phase is OVER! I’m done getting slapped in the face and kicked in the heart over and over and over again. I’ve never done a thing to him that was intentionally hurtful. You want something real and true and you fight for it. Damn me for caring… I’m so done with this bullshit. I’ve never done anything to warrant this feeling that keeps flowing through me again and again.

I want to scream so fucking loud right now. The thought that this feeling of horrific pain that he’s probably never felt is only caused by him has me writing one last thing about him to get him out of my system and then I am truly done.

Dear THE Friend,

I will never understand why you’ve turned to hate me or at the very least be apothetic which is what your actions prove to me. This whole thing was never planned by either of us but I guess I should have heed the warnings from the beginning. Just so we’re clear I ALWAYS defended you. I ALWAYS had your back. Not to mention the times that I helped you out that you don’t even know the lengths I went to to do it.

Are you aware of MY sacrifices for you? I gave you EVERYTHING and you chose to take EVERYTHING for granted. Occasionally you’d think that some sort of letter or text was sufficient enough for me to just forgive everything? YOU USED ME! YOU TREATED ME WITH THE MOST DISRESPECT. You are NOT a kind person, a giving person or a caring person. Not to me. You’ve canceled plans to be with others whom you thought to be more “worthy” and you spent money on others for pleasure when you have had obligations to me. You’ve lied repeatedly to me.

You kept us a secret from everyone, in which I can only assume was because you didn’t want our mutual friends to know who was breaking my heart at any given moment. You used my feelings for you as a stepping stone to get as much out of me as you possibly could. It’s always been your way, your time, your mood.

YOU HAVE HURT ME FOR THE LAST TIME. YOU HAVE BROKEN MY TRUST FOR THE LAST TIME. YOU HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT FROM ME and the saddest part is YOU DON’T EVEN CARE. I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR DAYS DOING THINGS THAT I’VE ASKED OF YOU AND YOU’VE IGNORED BUT GLEEFULLY DO WITH OTHERS. I HOPE YOU’VE ENJOYED THE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS THAT I’VE SPENT ON YOU.

I want you to remember this for as long as you can. Remember when you had nothing, no car, no money and (your words) no one true friend) I WAS THERE FOR YOU NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED AND YOU WANTED. What did I get in return? All your bad moods, all your shitty words and an occasional nice deed done more because you were bored than out of something that I wanted.

I have prayed for you more than myself and I can only assume that you’ve NEVER returned that favor. I got you things because YOU needed them and sacrificed things that I needed because of it and all I got was more and more requests for things. I can’t say this enough, I gave you EVERYTHING! There is not one true honest kind person on this earth that allows someone to give them everything and just keeps taking it all.

The saddest thing of all is that I’ll never get the chance to tell you how I feel but I’m not sure I would anyway because YOU DON’T CARE. One day I’ll finally be over you entirely and I’ll focus on the people in my world that care immensely about it but right now the only thing I can think about is why you chose me to be so fucking cruel too? I HAVE NEVER WRONGED YOU. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HONEST WITH YOU. I was once told that you were soulless and I couldn’t have disagreed more. I stuck up for you so many times when it was never my fight and you wouldn’t have ever done the same for me.

So of the things you’ll never know… That issue at one of your last jobs was a lot more serious than you thought and I called in favors so that you’d never know or feel the repercussions. You actually had more issues with your new job than you were aware but when I found out I called in another favor to make that go away. When I was repeatedly being told by bitter people in your life some of the most horrible things I kept and will always keep them to myself because I’M NOT TRYING TO HURT YOU! There’s a few other things that you’ll never know but remember that I did all those things plus the ones you know about because I TRULY CARED ABOUT YOU.

I have never cared what your situation was and I even tried to invest in you so you have a better future which you’ve so soon forgotten about. And by the way, I couldn’t afford to do it then and then you actually had the nerve to be upset because I couldn’t do more. Of all the nasty things that I could say about you and how you live your life and I never have to you because you’re “sensitive” even though you have absolutely no problem returning the negative comments, looks and actions.

Do you realize that I’ve had a family member physically hurt me and it felt better than all the things you’ve done to me. At least he’s apologized and actually feels hurt because of it. You don’t feel a thing do you? You are completely emotionless when it comes to me? Don’t you dare blame fear, depression or things being a “defense mechanism.” What the hell are you being defensive about? YOU DON’T CARE! That’s it plain and simple. You only care about who’s the prettiest you can spend your time with or who has more money or a better evening planned.

This person that you are now is NOT the person that I fell in love with and that hurts just the same. I’m not sorry that I fell in love with that person. I’m sorry that he’s become this person. I’m so sorry that I gave you what you asked for. That I tried everything to make sure you were sated, at a place you could call home and with someone you could trust. I’m even more sorry that none of that truly mattered to you.

I can be damn sure though that I am happy that I never changed for you because nothing makes you happy. Well, move on to your next victim. You have had more experiences in life and a greater opportunity to make a difference but instead you’ve decided to prove me wrong and everyone else right. I still can’t say the “H” word to you or about you.

I’ve prayed for so many things since we’ve been “friends”. I’ve prayed for your happiness, for you to love yourself, for you to find your path in life and so many other things and when you walk into your church you don’t even think of praying for any of that for me do you?

Congratulations – you’ve lost someone who would never betray you. Never hurt you and never want anything less than you to be happy. Well, now you can be as happy as you want to be because you no longer have to pretend that this is any thing to you. You’ve wanted this to be secret for so long and now you’ve got your wish. It’s so secret that it doesn’t even exist.

I always knew why you came back this time around. It was for the one thing you said it wasn’t for which you’ll never know what it cost me to get you. I’d say have a great life and truly mean it but it appears that you already are and one that doesn’t include me in it. YOU HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE TO ME. I hope one day you’ll actually understand that.

Stop looking at all things from YOUR point of view since I’d spend so many years looking at things through your point of view and trying to understand and excuse everything away. Now, it’s your turn. Or maybe you’ll just gleefully walk away knowing that you got what you wanted and didn’t have to do much at all. Stop thinking about ONLY yourself and what you can get out of things. If you ever choose to look at this from my point of view you’ll realize that this is about so much more than you think it is, if you even think about it at all.

Maybe one day you’ll realize what’s happened here and maybe you never will but until you truly realize just how hurtful and painful this has been from beginning to end then it will never matter to you. Maybe you just don’t care. Turns out that being the greatest love of my life also made you into the greatest mistake of my life and nothing that I learned from being hurt by you was worth it. NOTHING.

THIS IS WHAT ITS COME TO. You are off enjoying life yet again with those that you openly care about and I’m here left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart knowing that you’ll never understand, nor care because as honest as I’ve been with you this entire time (to which you’ve mostly ignored) I will never feel like it’s acceptable to share THESE thoughts with you. Whatever I tried to fight for is gone.

If someone that you actually cared about was made to feel like this you would want to kill that person that hurt them. Why even bother making me trust men again, making me fall in love with you? Was all this just a fucking game to you? Well, congratulations… I guess you won. Because I’m the only one who’s ever cared about this enough to let it ruin me. The next time you are in need of something… Remember that you can’t ask me anymore because YOU BROKE THIS! YOU BROKE ME. Add that to your little book of secrets. YOU FUCKING BROKE ME.

Sincerely,

The girl who gave you everything and you repaid by killing her soul. NEVER AGAIN! You not only stabbed me in the back but you stabbed me in the heart. Goodbye.

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Making my list and checking it twice…

You are all aware of my propensity to make lists. I’ve done this my whole life and it wasn’t until my Shaman friend said that this would drastically manifest things in my life that I wanted. Apparently, it doesn’t work for all but with my sign or aura or some shit it’s supposed to work. They also seem to calm my nerves.

So today, in between long distance phone calls between friends, I’ve been writing lists like a crazy person. First, my grocery list since it’s been a while that I’ve cleaned my fridge out and need to get rid of a lot of stuff I need to replace with some healthy food that I’ll actually eat.

Second, is my Christmas list. I’ve gotten everyone’s list back so now I just have to sort, shop and my perfect idea is that I get it all done so that I can take it all with me for Thanksgiving and give myself some down time during the month of December… We shall see just how well that goes.

Third, I have a work to do list of things that I have to do for private clients which include building web sites, finishing their books and finding ‘things’ that they can’t be bothered to find themselves. I can be nifty if the right person asks me.

Lastly, I’m still and always will be writing my list of things that I want in a man. I know that men are not perfect, no one is. However, the clearer that I am about what I want then I’ll know when I find it. No, I’ve not written off the new guy. However, it’s easier to not care as much about someone if you don’t see them. A few days turns into a few weeks and by then you’ve moved on.

There will always be things that I’ll keep on my man list like a smooth chest, late night drunken unannounced visits and being childlike without being childish. There’s a fine line to everything. Keeping promises, telling the truth and being loving and kind will also always be on that list. I will always need a man that’s strong enough to pull out things from me that I don’t know how to share. I’ve also always wanted to be in a relationship where I can be cuddling and reading a book and he could be watching TV with headphones on and it’s just as good as if we were in the middle of some great conversation.

I guess I want a puzzle piece relationship. You can kind of make out the picture if you see them separately but together it just makes sense. Neither or strong or weak at the same moment. One is silent while the others speaks. I’d even go so far as to say one is dirty as the other one is clean… It’s all about the ying and yang. But space, space is a big deal. No one, even married people should spend every free moment with the other. You can’t miss someone who never leaves your side. I’ve taken for granted all the times I’ve been told that I have been missed.

In my long trek to find out what I want I’ve come across so much of what I didn’t want. That’s the easy part, to know what you don’t want. I don’t want someone who’s so controlled by fear that they stay stagnant forever. In a strange twist of fate I don’t want someone who doesn’t communicate their feelings, emotions or fears. I don’t want someone who tries a bit of everyone only to realize that they passed up chances because of their fear of missing out. I don’t want a man that can’t keep promises, that can’t repay kindness and that find it more appropriate to spend nights out drinking than to repay debts to friends that use to mean something to them. And yes, that last one was specific.

I’m just tired of the old same old same… and just because I’m letting someone go doesn’t mean it’s easy. It’s hard as hell but just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do. If life was made out of all the right easy things to do there’d be nothing to complain about I guess. When you’re the only one who’s sad that you’ve left, or even realized that you’ve left it just proves the point even more.

I’ve always known that I couldn’t start a new relationship that I was serious about until I divested my self of the one that meant everything but returned nothing and now that is happening. Maybe by the time the new guy gets home I’ll be ready. There’s only so many chances that I’ll give someone. Opportunities are not in abundance especially if you don’t treat them well. That’s my lesson for today kids, if you truly cherish someone then prove it. If you don’t then be honest and let the other person move on. It’s better to hurt in the beginning than after three years of having your heart punched, beaten and torn.

My next journey is to let go of the pain, anger and frustration. That I will need help with.

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Taking the path of most resistance…

It seems as though America has taken the path of most resistance. I am in shock and woke up sick to my stomach. I think the worst part for me is that we’ve just taught all the little boys in the country that if you are a vile, disgusting and misogynistic asshole you can do anything in this world, even rule it.

I did my research and as much as there were things that I didn’t like about both candidates there’s were far less with Hillary. At least she was progressive, something that most republicans can’t say. I’m sickened by the way that republicans are acting today as if they were jolted even higher on their pedestal. And I quickly realized, on my facebook feed, who those that voted for him were. These were mostly men, aged 40 and above who either are or aim to be in the top 1 percenters. Some that I have regretfully dated and some that have just salted my world over a lifetime.

This was a hard election for me though because it brings up situations that have come up in my past. It became the political erection of 2016 that even surpassed the Cosby scandal. Yes this was a historic election but not for the right reasons. We didn’t do anything new. This country voted for the old white guy that bullied his way into the highest position that he could.

Before you ask, “Did you vote” yes I did. I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on if I complained about the outcome and didn’t. People can look at me and say, “What do you care? You’re a white woman”. Well first, I am an immigrant. I was not born here but have been raised as an American. I thought this country was more progressive. I guess I was wrong. Second, I’m a woman which apparently doesn’t get you far unless you want things grab with no repercussions.

So what to do now? Well, we can either continue complaining about what has happened which in my opinion is the big industries won themselves and their buddy’s a grand campaign or we can take a day to heal then make the most of it. I hope this does work out for the best of the entire country because all I do know right now is that every other country has just watch us elect a complete an total bully with no soul as president.

I literally did wake up with the worst feeling of doom this morning in the pit of my stomach which is why I went right back to sleep and spent most of the day there. I also realized that the new guy was one of the American’s that elected his. That’s strike two. I guess it’s good he’s still in California and staying there for another week. The problem isn’t that he’s a republican it’s that he voted for THAT guy.

I could have used a warm body to lie right next to today and it wasn’t the new guy.

Father’s and men in general my plea to you is this tonight: Please teach your son’s that it’s NOT ok to treat women like property. It is NOT ok to grab, poke or prod any woman without consent. It’s not ok to cheat, lie or act as though you are better than anyone. It is possible to be the nice guy and finish first. I promise.

Lets see just how great America can get now. Oh and by the way 1 percenters…. No complaining allowed if things don’t go the way you planned.

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Helping others follow their dreams…

The other night, out with my ex, he’d confided in me that he was feeling both stagnant and lost. This is a feeling I know all too well, lately. He wasn’t sure what to do. I’d thrown out some suggestions but none of them stuck and they were interrupted by a story he wanted to tell me. During the story it hit me… This guy needed to write a book.

He’s had a very strange life. It’s a life that most people would not have faced and that’s not even up to the part that he almost died in a horrific motorcycle accident. Aside from that he’s got stories of peyote laced days in the desert, outrageous road trip stories and one of his worst which was walking in at four and a half to find his Father dead. He’s lived the life of Kurt Vonnegut meets Earnest Hemingway meets Timothy Leary. It’s the perfect idea for a book… His life.

So after a lot of hesitation and a long night of drinking I’d made him promise that he would write a first chapter before the new year. I told him that if he did then I would shop it to a book publisher that I know. After many nervous texts the next day he reluctantly decided to start. I think once he had pen to paper it just started to flow. He’d texted me later in the day to announce that the first page, possibly the introduction was done and all he had to do was transfer to type.

After lots and lots of me sending the most “I know this will be amazing” supportive texts he sent one final text to tell me that he’d emailed it to me. At that point, on that late Sunday night I was tired, sad and just wanted to sleep. I’d told him that I was so excited to read but it wouldn’t happen till the morning. That was just in case what I read was not something that I had the energy to be fake supportive about.

Finally, I lay down in my bed in my quiet home and with the only light being the iridescence of my phone I pulled up my email. I started to read and knew that I’d made the right decision in pushing him into this. In only a few words I was hooked and wanted more. I couldn’t wait to just keep reading and I found myself smiling and laughing at his words.

As I stated the other night, I would travel the ends of the world to help a friend find and conquer his dreams and my ex is included in that. I saw something in him that he couldn’t see himself and I wont’ let him quit this. My blessing is that he confided in me and I, in repayment, realized he could use my help. That feels like a great day.

I don’t spend much time with people that don’t have some sort of special power to make me want to elevate them to reach their dreams. I’ve certainly never invested my time in anyone that I thought wasn’t worth it. Some need a push, some need a pull and others just need the support of someone standing next to them as they try to do it all by themselves. Those are the things in life that I don’t and won’t regret.

Maybe that should be m calling. I’ll be a life coach and request 1% of their annual salaries once they get to where they want to be. Who am I kidding… I need a life coach and quite possibly a new country to live in by the time this night is over. I can at least give it up for the Political Erection of 2016. It has, at the very least, been entertaining but now we’ll have to live with the decision. I’m also happy that the damn political meme’s will stop being sent on an hourly schedule from friends to my phone.

I was going to do an entire political post a few weeks ago but just realized that I didn’t have the strength. I had the words but none the intention of actually posting it. We’re all sick of the fighting. I think I’ll allow myself one night to get shitfaced because of the outcome and then I’m done worrying about it for a while. I mean, I have four years to worry about it don’t I?

At least I can go to bed tonight knowing that I will help one friend get out of their stuck, lost life. I’m aware of what else would help as well but that I can not do. I can’t even decide to actually date the new guy let alone let an old ex into my life the way he wants to be let in.

One thing at a time. There’s already one ending to something and that’s about all I can handle right now.

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Grace, denial and other thoughts swimming in my head tonight…

Compliments… They are a necessary thing or they should be. When I meet a new person I try to compliment at least one thing to make them feel good. It’s actually a sales technique. Tonight, sitting with friends for dinner, we were on the last part of the evening. I was being embarrassed by compliments. I was being told that I was graceful and had some sort of old time elegant and right at that moment I spilled my ginger ale all over myself, the table and the floor. If that’s not irony I’m not sure what is then.

But that’s mostly my life. Just when there’s something good happening it is usually followed by something at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Like the new guy. This is a perfect example. Just when I decide to move things along and to commit, he’s has to stay in California longer. This concludes me to the following thoughts: First, I am now completely aware as to why he’s single. Second, I now understand why the friend that was required for us to meet was so meticulous in telling me about how the new guys work consumes him. Is this my red flag? Another week to dwell on my thoughts instead of jumping right in? What exactly does fate have in store?

His vocal conversations with me are still appreciated and I’ve shared as much (or as little) as I care to prior to seeing him again. I am also a big fan of following your dreams and helping others follow theirs. For the people I hold the closest to me I would travel the world to help with whatever they needed. He’s no yet in that circle but we shall see.

The conversation last night was nice. We talked about music a lot. I explained to him that music was the first love of my life and it never hurt me. Nothing could really follow that. Of course that brought up the other loves our lives conversation and that’s where I chose to be a bit more silent. You can impress me with your knowledge of LP, Velvet Underground or Sonic Youth but don’t ask questions that you’re not willing to know the answers to yet. That is just my thoughts.

On another note, yesterday was supposed to be THE friend and my “weekly night”. We’d skipped the week before for his reasons and if you read my posts you’ll see that I wasn’t happy about it. I’ve said this before as well, I don’t mind canceling plans. Things change, shit happens. What I mind is how it was done but that’s a story for another night.

So this time around he’d actually texted quite a bit early than normal which I appreciate but I declined the offer. The reasons I told him were all true. I WAS planning on sleeping early and I did wake up feeling like I’d French kissed a freight train. But I knew as the day went on that I’d feel better. My reasoning also had nothing to do with the night before… Well, I’m not sure if it did.

I feel like there’s so much between us that’s unresolved, like there’s just this wall. I knew that I didn’t have the energy to sit there and try to ignore the fact that he would be ignoring me again or that we have those unresolved things between us. I also knew that we wouldn’t talk about them because even on the ONE occasion that HE wanted to get together to come to some sort of compromise he’d came over and still completely ignored the issues. I can’t do that nor can I sit idly by while he was laughing with friends over social media all while not even acknowledging my presents.

And here’s the thing. I knew that I’d be sad to have not seen him but later on my GBF had sent me a text and said, “So do you have company there?” My GBF has never met him, of course, but he knows that there is someone here on Sunday’s. I’d replied to him by saying “No I told him another night”. He also knows that THE friend and I are going though ‘something’ Because this is several Sunday’s in a row that I’ve chosen that night to go out to dinner with my GBF instead of not making plans so I could get in the right frame of mind to see THE friend.

Since my GBF doesn’t know much of our story he’s always rooted for THE friend and I to work things out. The GBF knows that THE friend used to make me so very happy that he liked that in him. So after a little bit of encouraging “you’ll work things out” messages I said, “the kid wants easy. Apparently I’m not easy enough.” Then to follow it up I also said something that I realize is an epiphany that I’ve subconsciously know for a long time. I said, “I’m happier alone tonight than if he was sitting right next to me ignoring me.”

That was one of those things that I was so afraid of admitting to myself. I was always scared to break plans knowing that I’d be the one who was upset and crying at the end of the night because it was more important to just have him in my space at that very moment. See, there’s that damn fear again stopping me from doing something that needed to be done.

But now, I realize that he can have his Sunday’s back to give to another girl who he can actually talk to. Who he doesn’t ignore and who he treats so much better than me. I have finally released him from any obligation that he seems to think he has. He no longer has to feel as though he has to keep an appointment with someone that he so obviously has nothing to say to.

In a very deep space inside my heart I felt like he would feel the tension between us and realize that we are broken. Not me but the ship we’ve have together is broken but I felt like if it truly mattered then he’s fight. He’d fight for it like I used to fight for it. There’s a reason why people say that they need to spend “quality time” together and not just time. Just showing up is no longer good enough.

The entire thought of this brings tears to my eyes because there’s nothing left in me to fight and there was never any in him to fight. I barely have the energy to breath on some days let alone hold on to a failing relationship when the other person has always, already had both feet out of it. I’m not the girl that chases after you. It’s just that simple. And now I realize that being alone is always better than being with someone and being ignored. It’s come to this. That is sad because I would still do anything for THE friend who thought of me as nothing.

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