I don’t know why I still assume that we’ll still this relationship… THE friend and I. I wish I knew the trick to stop being disappointed by his lack of concern about this ship. If someone out there knows the secret please I beg you to tell me how not to give a fuck anymore. It’s not even fair that I’m not there yet and he’s probably been there for, oh, three years or just under.
I’m pissed and hurt and this should not be unexpected at all. Fuck this… I refuse to be the only one that gives a damn anymore. I’m so mad at myself for putting myself in this damn place every single time. I put myself out there and get hurt every single time. Every single time, Sundays basically end with me crying and realizing that this is a hopeless cause. We are a hopeless cause.
There’s never been a “we” or an “us” anyway. Just another thing that I’ve been delusional about. I’m so damn tired. I was having a great day seeing friends and playing with their little baby and I knew that I should have just not expect a thing about tonight. If two completely truthful texts hadn’t been answered with even a fucking peep why would tonight be any different. At one point I did say shrew this and went out and had dinner with friends but then I just couldn’t take it.
I couldn’t sit there and take the mediocrity of the conversation while I knew that he was intentionally breaking my heart over and over again because he could. It’s sad that no matter how joyous the day was the night makes me feel like absolute utter shit for believing that this is something it’s not. For believing that he is someone that he’s not. For believing that we are/were something that we’re not and have never been. I pray that one day someone tells me what the fuck I did to have to go through this.
I don’t know how many times that life proves to me that I don’t mean a damn thing to him for me to believe it but I get it…. Right now. In this moment I get it totally and completely. Thanks again for showing me just how stupid I’ve been this entire time. Thanks for proving yet again just how fucking unimportant this is. I hope she or it was worth it.
I. Don’t. Deserve. This.