Feelings like home… or not.

I’ve had a bad couple of days. The only comfort has been in my home, alone. Moving from the bed to the couch in amazing amounts of pain but doing it so I at least felt as though I was somewhat productive. The new guy asked if he could come over and I declined. I declined to not only let him in my home but also to let him know that I’m not having a great week.

There’s few things that mean comfort to me and he’s not one of them yet. I also feel as though my home is my sanctuary away from being someone that maybe I don’t feel like being right now. Truth is, I want to feel bad in my own home without pants and sleep on the couch with a movie that I’ve seen 20 times on in the background. He’s not allowed to see that. Not right now.

He’s been honest with me about the days he doesn’t feel well and I appreciate that. You all know how I feel about honesty. It is by far one of the most sexiest things for a guy to be. But also, I guess, it excuses behavior as well. He feels as if he doesn’t get right back to me I need some sort of explanation but I don’t.

I’ve tried to explain to him that if we choose to date, he’ll soon realize that I’m not a “normal” girl. I don’t have to see someone all the time nor do I need constant positive reinforcement that we’re ok. I’m not that needy, it’s in my sign. But I do know that his sign requires a bit more attentiveness on my part and I may be willing to do that the more comfortable I get with him. I’m just not there right now.

He left today for California for a week. I feel a little relieved. That’s probably not good but I want him to do his own thing and not have to have each weekend where we’re together. I don’t know, I guess I should allow myself to go a little “girl brain” but right now I just need to make it through the week without having a breakdown.

My friend the Shaman called the other day and asked me to come by. When I did she had some interesting things to say to me. She knew about the new guy but her concern was more on THE friend. I tried to explain to her that that entire thing is a mute point since I don’t even see any love being reciprocated at this point and I’m done trying to love a brick wall covered by a barbed wire fence. She had some other thoughts about it all though and again, I just brushed them all off because I’ve done everything that I can and without any words back anything I’ve said has fallen on deaf ears, or blind eyes.

The sad fact is that I would do anything for THE friend if he’d asked. I would be whatever he wanted and be where he needed. Yet it’s so painfully obvious that he doesn’t need or want me in him life. It shouldn’t hurt since there is someone that does want all those things and more but it does. It hurts that I’ve tried more than I’ve ever tried with anyone to fix things. It hurts that his actions are so emotionless. He’s so emotionless. I’ve not hurt him. I’ve defended him when needed and ignored things that I probably shouldn’t have all for the sake of this friendship and it feels like its dying. If you care for something you fight for it. But if the other person has already left the ring there’s no point.

I am physically and emotionally drained and in pain so that’s all my thoughts this evening. I’m going to just go into the darkness somewhere and have weird dreams that are strangely comforting right now. Apparently it’s the only place that THE friend and I are ok maybe even great with each other. I wish I was strong enough to believe in my dreams right now because I still love him immensely.

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Single tree space background

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