Weekend breakdown without an actual breakdown…

This post is being started before a workout and birthday dinner and finish after hopefully so I’m not sure where this will all go.

This weekend had a lot to offer with no expectations. I knew before I’d even left work on Friday that my plate was full, I just wasn’t sure what it was full of. I came home first and took a small nap then got up, showered and got ready for dinner with the new guy. This was our first real official date-like date. I wore a skirt… This does not happen that much but I felt pretty. My hair was working with me and my makeup was understated. I was under no expectation that this would go well or be anything.

He picked me up, which I usually don’t like (it’s a control thing where I like to drive). We went to a nice restaurant downtown. He brought one flower which I left in his car and wore a suit. He valeted the car and made sure he motioned to the valet to let him open my door. We went inside, sat at our reserved table and just started connecting. He’d asked how my day was and didn’t settle for “fine”. We were already, quickly making plans for the next day but I knew that I wasn’t going to sleep with him that night.

On one of our many conversations previously, I’d mentioned a tiny bit of my history and he understands. Plus, we still don’t know each other that much but I will say when it does happen with him or anyone else I’m going to insatiable and probably won’t be able to stop. It’s just getting to that point, like a comical cartoon of fireworks. It’s not that he’s not attractive nor that I’m not attracted to him but I just don’t want to rush into anything. I see how well that turned out for me in the past.

I’ve talked about this before, that most of my meaningful relationships that were sexual were actually friends first then something more. The first man I was in love with and I had no type of sexual relationship for the first six months and it built up so much that it was great when we finally did. I’m just trying not to make mistakes here.

We ended up closing the restaurant down and not realizing it. I actually felt like we were having such a great time that I didn’t want it to end but knew it had to. Can’t move too fast here so he dropped me off but by the time we were done just sitting in his car talking it was early morning. He kissed my forehead and cheek and made sure that we were going to meet “for sure” the next day (or later that day).

I came in and just immediately got undressed, took my sleeping pill and just sat in a bath for a little while, while going over the evening. Parts of it were making me smile to myself like an idiot. There’s still nothing that I don’t like yet. Some of the things he says though are just uninhibitedly amazing. Like he has no filter but it’s all good stuff. He still touches at the right time and in the right way. It’s a strange thing. Is it possible that he might be too perfect?

So the next morning I was up way too early and before I knew it we were already on our way to an Octoberfest that my work was doing something for so I was at the beach and I was happy. We walked around and ate a little, drank a little and talked about going to another festival back in town that work was doing as well but I didn’t want to leave the beach. There was a third one that was north of where we both live that was a music festival which we’d talked about but I’d gotten a call from a girl friend saying that she’d had a really bad day and wanted to see if we could get together. I felt like I wasn’t ready to have him be my festival buddy totally yet so I told him that we’d end the day so I could see to my friend. He understood and now, because he’s inquisitive, he probably knows more about her than he does me.

I came home, did a quick change and went to my friends house. Her mom was there watching her baby and she and I chatted a while while my friend got ready. When she finally came down we were off to dinner where she and I both had a drink (have seriously had more drinks this week than this whole year). She told me about her really crappy day the day before. She’s gotten into a hit and run accident in her new car. Then her doctor had told her that the chances of her having another baby were much smaller than she’d thought. I felt like saying, “some of us have the reproductive system of a 20 year old (per my doctor) but have no viable options at this moment as to bring a child into this world with”. But I didn’t. I did tell her that she should have hope and that on the off chance that she doesn’t have another child she’s already made one pretty amazing one.

After that point she’d decided that she wanted to keep drinking. Since I was driving and she was actually starting to feel better I’d agreed and we were off to a bar. The conversation was getting pretty personal on her end and she was saying how much she appreciated that whenever she felt bad I was always there to take her out and make her feel better. That was nice to hear but she kept throwing out all these nice things and for some reason it was just making me feel strange. I think it just felt nice to be needed by a friend at that moment. I’m not sure.

By the time we left there it was also early morning and she was very, very drunk but happy. We sat in her driveway for a moment and sang stupid karaoke songs that we both knew and that made us both happy. We like doing stupid kid shit together, sans the drinking sometimes. She’d thanked me repeatedly for making her feel better and by he time she was drained enough to pass out and I was on my way home I was started to feel so very tired but my brain wouldn’t shut off.

I’d had a great evening the night before on my date. I’d had a great day on another date and at the beach and I’d ended the day with a good night with a friend who needed me. But my mind was racing. It wasn’t thinking about any of that. It was thinking about someone else that doesn’t give me the same courtesy.

Seriously, why? WHY? WHY? WHY? And yes, say that in a childish voice and stomp your foot. I meet this great guy who I’m having fun with and it has potential. It has so much potential. But what’s on my mind is that I sent THE friend a truthful message days before which he’s ignored. IGNORED. And I was sure that I wouldn’t see him or hear from him on our “Sunday”… We’ll get to that later.

I woke up Sunday and realized that I was exhausted from the weekend already but I had more things to do. I went with another friend to go check out this expensive car collection and get brunch. We chatted for a bit and he was trying to make plans with me next month and my mind is still swimming back to the shallow end. I was trying to stay in the moment and enjoy but it wasn’t working. I decided to cut our day short so I could take a nap and shower and thought maybe that would help.

Instead, I took a long bath, watched a movie and then get a sudden text from THE friend that he was on his way soon. My mind went straight to, “Are you kidding me?” “Who totally ignores a written emotional cry for help for this friendship and then acts as though it never happened?” Um, him. That’s who. So I said, to myself, that I was going to enjoy the evening whether I feel like I’m doing it all alone for not.

He shows up, makes a sandwich and sits at my computer. I thought my head was going to explode so I went out for a cigarette. But he was acting like he was trying to not do or say anything wrong, on egg shells. We do this to each other way too much. But each time I wanted to say something or something was upsetting me I would just go outside for a cigarette. It’s my escape and I know that. I don’t even enjoy it anymore but it’s the only way that I felt to get out of a situation that could erupt. But maybe that’s what we need. Maybe we just need to blow up at each other. At least I’d get to see some sort of emotions from him. At least something would seem to matter to him.

I guess that’s a pretty effed up thing to think but we’re so stuck. I’ve heard of a three year itch in marriage but we’re not even anything anymore. It’s painful to watch this happen, as if I was a fly on the wall watching us. What am I even here for? There’s no communication, there’s no intimacy. It’s like two strangers sitting next to each other who just happen to be eating alone at a restaurant.

At one point he’d mentioned this line that he’d picked up from a commercial or something about the more scared someone gets the stupider the things they do are. For one moment I thought, is that your explanation? If so then what the hell are you scared about? Then I realized that was my girl-brain trying to analyze something that had nothing to do with me and I stopped. I would occasionally pick up my phone and smile about the guy that was missing me that I might find some joy with. And even less occasionally I’d write him back.

I’m so very confused because I have the opportunity to be with someone who’s has everything that I’m looking for. He’s so very happy to see me. We make each other laugh and smile. We WANT to be in each others company and all I can think about is, what the hell has happened to this relationship with THE friend that’s made this whole thing so convoluted. We spend only a few hours with each other once a week or every three weeks and I have a better relationship with my post man.

So I tried one more time to explain without anger what I’m feeling and I, again, got nothing. There’s a girl out there that he confides in, that he says good morning to, that he asks how her day was. I’m not asking to be that girl. I’m just asking to be that friend that was once worth more than ignoring, more than just a tap on the shoulder as he goes for the fridge. I’m asking to be a friend. Just because it takes only minutes for our text conversations to disappear from my view doesn’t mean they disappear from my mind. out of all the things that I could actually wish for right now, it’s to fix us but that’s pointless if I’m the only one who thinks something’s broken.

This is not me wanting what I don’t have. I’ve never “had” him but what we had used to be a lot better than this and if this is all there is then seriously, what’s the point. Why am I the only one who feels any pain because of this at all? I’m not even sure he’d notice if I moved away right now. I feel like I want to scream, “What the hell did I do to you that this is where we are?” and then I realize that I don’t have this with anyone else. And then I think if this is just this is that ok?… That’s my unanswered question this evening.

If there’s a friendship that’s dying in the woods but no ones around to hear me cry, does it actually matter? (That’s my second unanswered question this evening.)

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3 responses to “Weekend breakdown without an actual breakdown…

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