For some reason I had the desire to write something in the middle of my Saturday. It’s going to be a busy weekend. There’s three festivals that are going on and I’m going to all plus it should be a late night and I’m looking forward to each and every single bit of it. There will be lots of things to do, lots of places to go and lots of friends to see.
Whiling planning my weekend I was still a bit upset over the happenings of what happened the other day with THE friend until I realized something. I’d still not gotten a reply to my emotional heartfelt text I’d sent but about 12 minutes after I’d sent that his conversation was so far down on my texts because so many others had sent messages about getting together, having dinner, making plans or just to see what was up and how my day was going, that I didn’t even see it any longer. Didn’t mean that I wasn’t thinking about it but still realizing that I was giving it way more thought that he was so what’s the point.
Then, after just having complained that all he does is come over eat my food and ignore me, I see his shopping list for me. Um, no. So let me get this straight… You couldn’t care less to text me back. You ate my last of everything that I like to eat. You don’t want to do anything but stair at my TV or computer. You never want to do anything fun, keep any promise you’ve said to me or even consider me enough of a friend to have a fucking conversation with…. After what I’ve done and keep doing. Are you serious?
So it literally comes down to this. He’d rather spend time with others making some sort of social media memories but when it comes to this friendship he treats it the absolute worst that I’ve ever been treated and then he still expects me to buy his groceries, keep him fed and I’m the only one that’s remotely bothered, upset or emotional about it.
It is official. I have finally reached my limit. I have finally realized that this one sided friendship does absolutely nothing for me any longer. I’ve never been as honest with another human being as I have with him. I’ve never been as forgiving and kind with another human being as him and for some stupid reason I’ve assumed that his lack of care and concern for me was because I actually didn’t do enough. I’d taken his feelings into consideration so many times and thought them more important than my own thinking, at some point, things would change. I’d excused his actions away so many times but it just hit me like a brick that he treats everyone else better than he does me. That’s is a maddening fact to actually start to realize and yes it’s hurtful. When I think about it too much I feel like my heart is being ripped open or stabbed.
I’m sure I need to asked my therapist why this was so important to me to believe that there was a point to this and that I wasn’t just done with it all so long ago when I realized that this meant nothing to him. I’m still not a person who believes it’s ok to speak badly about someone to our mutual friends and if they ever ask about him I will still give them all the same answer, “I don’t know. You’d know more than I would”.
We’ll be done, he’ll get to walk away from this relationship that he treats so poorly with a cash bonus of anything that I’ve ever done and he’s never paid back and he’ll have his once a month appointment open again to go find some other woman that he can treat better than me. I’ll stop feeling like I’ve not done enough, like I’m not good enough and I’ll stop feeling like I don’t matter because I’m the only one crying over this shit or ship.
Now that is out of my system I’m going to finish getting ready, put on a smile and go be out in the world with friends that matter. I’m looking forward to a full weekend with true friends, good times and days that don’t end in me in my bedroom with the door closed crying over someone that was the most important to all while being the least important thing to him.
This blog was never supposed to be about the man who repeatedly broke my heart. It was always about me finding a man that held it love and care. That’s all about to change now. I am at peace with my decision and will finally break this cycle. I’m off to have a blessed weekend.
If you take nothing else from this, please treat EVERYONE with love, care and importance. Even when someone treats you poorly just smile, pray for them and move on. It certainly feels like a different day today. Maybe my horoscope was right this morning.
I couldn’t actually choose just one quote to post so I’m posting the one’s the hurt the most.