Synchronicity and secrets…

My weekend was good. It was really good. First, I didn’t stayed locked in my home as expected. I ventured out quite a bit. I saw the new guy a couple times and we had a lot of fun. There was no x-rated fun, yet but I’m looking forward to the anticipation. And seriously I’ve been on a self induced sexual hiatus for so long even if it’s bad, it’s going to be good.

I’ve talked about this before as well but being someone who’s been in situations that weren’t my fault makes it extremely hard to trust someone enough to have sex with them. I don’t know this new guy enough yet but we’re learning from each other. One thing that those close to me are is synchronized. It’s like, you get up in the morning and go to the kitchen and one goes for the bowls and the other gets the cereal. Then swap and one goes for the milk and the other gets the spoons without a word. I find that I have that with really close people in my life. Mainly my BFF, GBF and my friend I just went into business with. It’s a good feeling when you’re that close that you know what each other is thinking.

Like I said, the new guy and I are no where near that yet and I think if we were I’d probably be a bit scared since it’s not been that long. I’m ok with slow and steady wins the race though. Each time we talk or hang out I find out something new to like about him. One thing he did that I appreciated was he kept a promise. I made him promise that if I ever did anything that he didn’t like or wasn’t sure about then to bring it up. We’d discuss it and if I understood where he was coming from I’d agree to change it.

His issue wasn’t what was sweet about it though. We were in his car, just parked and he turned to me, lighting sandwiches my cheeks in his hands and said, “Babe, you asked me to bring things up that bother me. I’m about to do that, ok?” I lightly nodded my head and he said that he was bothered that he was always the one to reach out to me and he wished that I reached out to him because other wise he just feels like he’s bothering me.

Okay, so obviously I’ve heard this before. In fact, the two most succinct people in my life say it all the time, my BFF and my GBF so I’m aware that this is an issue. But this is going to take some training on my part. I’ve also had some ex’s say the same thing but I didn’t really care about it then because I knew things weren’t going to last. This time around though I want to fix it. Baby steps though… That’s all we’re looking for right now.

The next part is tricky. Because of my failure to communicate it leaves a lot of secrets in my closet. I’ve explained that there’s only two people in my life who know as much as they do about me. One is my BFF and I’ve never regretted telling her a thing. The other, is THE friend who never cared that he was trusted with my secrets so all those are regrets that I told him any of them. But the latter being what it is it makes me wary to open up again about some of that stuff. It was probably the most painful things that I trusted him with and he made me regret it so I’m really not wanting history to repeat itself BUT in the same breath I want to be open.

This is a weird predicament that I’m in right now. I feel something new for this new guy but it’s too soon to tell what that is yet and we don’t have history. We don’t have stories or anecdotes yet… It’s exciting to get to know someone on a deeper level but it’s also pretty terrifying too.

I guess I’m still in my juvenile learning curve but thankfully I’m further on than I was before. Maybe what I had with THE friend was what I needed but with training wheels and now I’ve found someone that doesn’t come with training wheels and that actually cares to learn about me, spend time with me finding things out about me and getting to a point where anything with THE friend doesn’t hurt anymore.

I’ve said before that most relationships except the really special ones have an expiration date of three years for me. Well, as much as it seems like THE friend and I have been doing our weird dance for much longer it’s about to be three years. Being able to know when he’ll cancel or why he’ll cancel only proves that I know much more about him than he’s ever know about me. I have definitely reached a point where I’m done with all the crap that we BOTH have given to each other. I’m done being the loneliest person in the world sitting right next to him. I’m done with the, “something way better came up so even though you keep our ‘dates’ I’m going to cancel on you again”. I’m done with being able to predict the bad and it always coming true.

Maybe if we make it passed the three year hump then I’ll calm down a bit but history does tend to repeat itself. I’m sure it’s about time that he tries to replace our friendship with some other woman soon. Talk about losing that lovin’ feeling. I guess my song lyrics have finally caught up with his.

Ask me on a good day if I wished things were so different with us and I’d say, “Hell yes”. Ask me on the same good day that if I had the chance to start over with THE friend my answer would also be the same. Ask me on a really really good day if I’d like the new guy and THE friend to switch positions and on a great day, I’d say absolutely but he and I haven’t shared a great, really good or even just a good day together in such a long time I’ve forgotten what it’s like.

Today was a strange day on all fronts and I’m exhausted and a little school girl happy. Can’t rewrite history nor change your future or your expectations…. That’s all I know tonight.

good-change-quotes-and-sayings-12

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