“How lost and a lonely a man that says or does such harsh things to someone he’s claimed to love and care for. Even in jest it’s still hate and shows his true colors. He not be a man but a boy who will never appreciate a kind soul. Don’t let him burn your flame, your kindness or your soul.” – Anonymous
I read that today and believe every single word of it.
That was right after I read my horoscope this morning which was, “You seem to be on the verge of giving something up, something that has been a central part of your life for years, but if you are smart you will leave it a while before making a final decision. Ultimately, you may not have to let it go.”
Mixed messages seem appropriate in my life and you all know how I like my “signs”. Except I’m not so sure this time. For some reason, this time I’m more hurt than ever before because of his ugly words that he doesn’t even realize were hurtful. He’d have said, “eff you” if I’d said that or anything close. Words are like daggers and if you choose to use them on people who would literally do anything for you then you are don’t deserve them at all.
Another “sign” that came yesterday was that I got a gift card for skydiving which is funny because we were going to do that for his birthday last year. His birthdays coming up and I still considered doing it with him which is the thinking that I need to quit. He’s not going to be my first choice for all things any longer. It’s done. It’s all done. He can’t not wash his own cup but I’m going to give every last blessing that comes my way to him. That’s crap. DONE WITH THAT THINKING!
I hate that it’s still a topic for thought but I’m really just so damn hurt and since it’s never going to get better I don’t see this going away any time soon. And also realize that none of his “friends” words are doing anything different for me. I hate that they said those things and I’ve spent almost three years trying to disprove every single one of the hateful things that I ever heard because I believed he was good and kind and there was a purpose for our relationship. What I think now is that it’s just painful for me.
I’m trying so damn hard to not let this bleed over on the new guy. When we spoke today I’d asked him what he thought about us having an “open” relationship. I’m not sure that I’d normally suggest this with someone that I’ve found such a connection with but I don’t want get fully invested in something that’s so new. It allows him the freedom to do what he needs to do and it allows me to go slow enough so that emotions don’t get in the way of anything. I’m tired of working off emotions. I’m just tired of emotions. I’m not really sure what he’ll decide but I’m not dwelling on things this time around. I’m enjoying the conversation, the connection and the flirtation.
The new guy was telling me today about going to lunch with this guy that, in the 1% circle, they call the career guru. I’d heard about him before from dating stock broker boys but the new guy is actually a friend of his. He’s this guy that can get anyone any job that they want with just a few phone calls. The new guy said he’d put in a good word if I wanted him to and my first thought was that I just want to get out of this place, this town, this hazy shade of winter but if I told the new guy that it might make him less likely to want to get me a dream job somewhere.
To a lot of people, their dream job is based of money. Mine is not. I know I’ve mentioned this before a lot. I’ve always wanted to run a non-profit company. I’ve never really been able to pin point exactly what type of non-profit though. My first thought goes to helping the victims of sexual assault and abuse. That’s probably the most important thing. I’ve had the opportunity to do it but I don’t know what to do or where to start. Not where to start with starting a business. That parts easy. In fact I’ve done that a dozen times for others but this is so important to me that it’s just not easy to have a starting point.
Random thought alert. Have you ever wished that there was a way to wash your soul and your heart to clean them up? I feel like I need that. I need to be washed of all sin, sadness and anger before stepping into anything new. Truth is, I’ve realized that I’ve never actually been broken. Oh, I’ve been damaged but I can always find a way to put myself back together again. I may feel broken or have felt that way but I’ve seen what truly broken people look like and that’s not me. I guess, sometimes it takes the worst in others to see the best in yourself.
Well, my mind has been all over the place tonight just trying to get to a place where I’m not thinking of things that really shouldn’t matter anymore. This is where I trust in faith and God because there’s nothing left to believe in right now. For some reason, right now, all I want to do is go on a hike without any destination. That was to end my random posts tonight.