I’m still a bit saddened by yesterdays events which I wish I wasn’t but I can’t lie to you all. After all the times I’ve said “I’m done” or at least that I was done being upset about stuff it’s just not that easy to shut things off. All day today, in between the laughter and jokes and good times my mind goes back to why I’m so upset about the whole situation with THE friend and my conclusion was this.
Occam’s Razor – the simplest explanation is usually the best.
For years now I’ve had little voices in my head that used to tell me the things that I suppose I wanted to hear about the out come of his and my relationship. I would explain away the bad things by saying things like, “Oh he’s just scare or insecure or shy about his feelings”. “Oh he did that because of this” or whatever. But the truth is the simplest explanation is the only one that I can even focus on. If he’s mean, rude or shitty to me it’s only because he doesn’t care enough to not be. Period. End of story.
There’s two problems with this. One, I’ve spent a long time and a lot of energy believing the hardest explanation is the truth because it was the only one that made me feel better about it. It was the only way that I’d end up being ok with him making me feel the way that I do. Now, since there’s no hope at all with the hardest explanation being the truth it puts things into perspective like it has never before. Second, almost every other time that we’ve had issues or problems or I was feeling like I was being treated like a piece of shit I got visited by his mother in my dreams and once, even his sister. Each time they told me things that put hope back into a relationship that seemed like there wasn’t any. Each time they made me understand that it wasn’t me but him that was there was something wrong with and each time they made me believe that there was a point to all of this above and beyond feeling like I didn’t deserve anything better from him.
So how does that play out now? Well, I’ve not seen any dreams like those and I’ve not been visited by any family members telling me to keep trying and believe me I’ve wished for them to come. I suppose that I really have to come to terms with the fact that it really doesn’t even matter anymore.
The other part of this that I’ve been thinking about is that I’m not a difficult person to get along with or to keep content. I don’t ask for much in return. Since I don’t ask for much in return it’s only fair to assume that it shouldn’t be hard to give me a tiny bit of what I need. But that’s obviously not the case. I often think, “seriously, how are you supposed to have a lasting meaningful relationship with the opposite sex if you can’t even do the simplest things for or with me that have never been asking too much”.
I mentioned yesterday that I’ve passed up opportunities to date or hang with others because I’ve always made him #1 priority when I shouldn’t have and realized that he’s literally NEVER passed up an opportunity to date any else without ever even considering the option that we might have worked out on some level if only for a short time. I’m am sorry to every single man that I ever passed up because I thought they weren’t worth it. I’m not sorry that I don’t give myself away as freely as he does though. I’m honestly tired so very tired of hearing all the stories from people about how freely he has been. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that I was just a notch on his bed post “just because he was bored one night”.
I used to wish he would just get drunk one night and tell me he hates me and that hearing that would have just made me say, “Okay, I’m done now. Now I know how you really feel. Thank you for your honesty. Have a great life. I wish you well”. That would have actually felt better than years of showing me that he does instead and having some part of me explain his actions away and continuing to open a wound that should have never been caused in the first place.
It really doesn’t matter that you tell someone “I prioritize you. I care for you. I love you” if you don’t prove it. There are some things that are able to be believed without seeing actual proof of it like faith, God or, ironically love sometimes, but then there are the things that if you can’t show it, it’s never been true. Words are just empty without actions. I can promise you this, if these tables were turned and he felt like any of what I do and told me, being that I truly love and care about him, I would do anything in my power to fix those things about me. But why in the world would he want to fix things between us? He gets to come eat, watch TV and not talk… He shouldn’t have anything to complain about. Especially since I’m too damn tired to continuing bringing up the bullshit.
Here’s my bottom line… I know that I am struggling lately with being depressed and bored. I know that I don’t take it out on him. I also know that regardless of that issue I still go out and have fun with people that I care about even if I have to fake it for an hour or two. I know that he is struggling with depression but he does not chose to deal with it the same. You’d think, in this situation we’d actually find a similarity, a common ground that we can both relate to and help each other.
I am grateful that no one else have ever made me feel anything like this ever before in my life because I know that I don’t deserve it, even if he doesn’t… This too shall pass just not quick enough. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m exhausted. I have nothing left to give him to try to make this work.