This is a 2% happy post and 98% something else…

First I’ll get to the good stuff. The new guy and I have been chatting and flirting and it’s been so great. He says stuff that just makes me smile immediately. I loved that he was in a meeting today and just couldn’t stop texting me and he was leading it. We haven’t gotten to make plans yet and that’s on me because, honestly, I’m scared. And here’s where I’ll be as honest as hell with you all… I’m scared to death of being hurt, of hurting him or of it turning out like THE friend. That’s where this turns from the great to making me cry, again.

I honestly thought that, first, THE friend would forget about our “appointmented Sunday’s” and I wouldn’t see him yesterday which I would have been pissed about but am used to that. Then I assumed that my happy mood would be enough to carry me through if THE friend did anything upsetting. He didn’t forget and just showed up which wasn’t a “first thought pop by” so not on my list because I basically thought that I’d be doing something different last night as an alternative plan. I was happy to see him until the exact same stuff happened.

He walked in, went straight to the kitchen and then got on his phone. I swear it literally wouldn’t make a different if I was here or not. In fact, here are our statistics. Out of the time he’s at my home we spent maybe 25% of that together. The rest of the time I’m either asleep or at work. Out of that 25% he spends 23% of that on his phone talking to EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD but the one sitting right next to him and out of that last 2% that he might actually be speaking to me he’s saying insulting things 1.5% of the time. And not one single time that I’ve brought this up has he EVER looked at things from my perspective Which I have tried to do so many times.

Then he has the nerve to bring up other things he does with other people that actually entail him having fun, talking without his phone cemented in his hand and him spending money on things that don’t really seem as important as other things in his life.

So, way back when between mutual friends of ours and a few callous emails from an anonymous source I was warned. I was warned that he’d use me, throw me away like yesterday’s trash when someone else came alone and would never repay his words or keep promises. I was told that, “chances are he’ll never really care about you”. I was also told that he didn’t keep good company most of the time. Was always focused on the next piece of ass he could get and that he would never take any responsibility for any hurt he causes what-so-ever.

First, every single time someone we mutually knew said these things I’d tell them to go eff themselves because I didn’t believe he was like that. I believed that he was in a bad place and wasn’t going to just write him off because of how others viewed him. That wouldn’t have been fair, then or now. I ignored the emails from whoever was bitter enough to try to spreed their hate. I was also told, at one point, that the person I was speaking with actually gained some respect for him because he and I were friends and because I wasn’t like some of the “friends” that he usually spent his time with.

The only thing those words ever did was make me feel worse about myself or make me want to help him to prove his “friends” wrong about who they thought he was. Even now, that I feel some of those things I would still never spew hate or talk badly about him because regardless of what they thought or think they don’t know “us”. They don’t know the times that he actually clean up after both of us. The times when I was important enough to just randomly send a nice text to. The times that he made a mix CD never being asked. The times that he brought and made dinner. The times when he actually thought outside the box. The times when staying over, sleeping on my couch, eating all my food and ignoring me was never even thought about.

This time around he couldn’t even have cared to put on a shirt that wasn’t stained or torn. He, so intricately placed all of his items down as if he’s done this at hundreds of women’s home except… They don’t get ignored. They get the nice side of him. I literally feel as though he saves every last breath of horrible crap to take out on me so that he can save the good stuff up for every other person in his life.

I’m pissed because NO ONE should EVER make you feel like this. This is wicked and horrible and I’m so tired of caring about it especially when I know that I’ve NEVER done anything to him that would have ever hurt him even a tiny bit like this. I’ve NEVER treated him so bad that it’s made him cry. He has never acted like he’s cared as little as he does right now. If he was standing in front of me I’d probably push him or scream or something that’s out of character for me because I’m so angry. I’m angry that I still care way more than he ever has. I’m angry because I’m not worth a fucking thing to him. I feel like I’m that annoying layover flight before you get to where you actually want to go. WHO THE FUCK MAKES PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THAT?

Here’s the thing. I’ve said this so many times before but this has NEVER been about feelings that he so obviously was never going to reciprocate it’s always and is only about how you treat people that you “claim” to care about and that are supposedly like “family” to you. We don’t even fight anymore because there’s nothing left to fight for.

So here I am with a double edged sword. It’s obvious that I still love and care for him and unlike him when I’m angry the first thing I don’t do it spew out “fuck you. why even do this anymore if you can’t just get over shit”. (I’m paraphrasing a previous argument). Instead, I’m realizing that because of this new guy and how he’s handling things, even when I say I JUST want to be friends right now, is completely different than anything that THE friend has ever done.

THE friend was too embarrassed to introduce me to any of his friends or family. The new guy is nice when he knows there’s no reason to be except because he’s actually just nice. I’m not trying to intentionally compare the two because every single relationship is different but, as someone who’s a friend, I know what I deserve out of any relationship.

I know that a week ago I was ready to help THE friend out in a way I knew I’d never be paid back for. That was just a week ago. I know that six months ago I was so happy that we’d found our way back to each other again after a hiatus that HE took. I know that two years ago I was ready to live with him, put him on insurance and do other things that I’ve never considered before.

Lets turn the tables… What do I know about him and his feelings towards me? I know that he ONLY reaches out to me when he might need help. I know that he shows up when he hasn’t found something else to occupy his time. I know that he must treat every other person in his life better than this and that he doesn’t have any problems hanging out with others, their family and their friends. I know that his priorities are no where close to where mine are with our relationship.

I also know that I’ve been praying a lot and what I have prayed for is to be made for certain that he cares because his action don’t show that to me at all and I was sent an opportunity to meet someone that acts truly different when we’re talking or around each other. So my interpretation is that instead of THE friend showing me how he feels, I was sent someone who shows me what I deserve.

I’m not a victim. I could at any point say I’m done and be done. I could go on with the rest of my life knowing that I did everything that I could do and that should have been enough and that you can’t please everyone especially when your “new and shiny appeal” wears off. I would miss him and what we USED to be but I would be ok. But I also know that because I’m still pissed about it and because I’m still crying over it that I still care.

He wasn’t the first man that I was ever in love with but for the longest time I wished that he would be the last one that I found. He was the first man that I said those words too ever. He was the first man that I’ve let share my space. He was the first man that I ever gave a key to which he’s lost which is a bit symbolic I guess. I know that I’ve passed up a lot of opportunities in my life over these last years because of him. I’ve given up relationships, jobs, moving out of this town and many nights or memories with a lot of other people because I’ve put him first above and beyond anything else and the irony of it all is that he’s done NONE of that for me. He’s never given up a thing.

Being fair he’s never asked me too but I’m pretty sure he’s know it. The last vestige of this relationship was the “secret” time we spend on his appointment Sunday’s which he shows up ever few weeks to now and he can’t even muster enough strength to be nice to me in the 2% of time that he actually has to charge his phone and possibly converse with me. That makes me feel pretty low right now and that’s so fucking sad. I remember a time that he’d say something crappy and realize later that it was wrong and he’d actually apologize for it and I believed it. But now, it’s passed in the wind as if nothing wrong was done on his part. I’ve never even considered saying things half as bad to him because I actually DON’T want to hurt him. Why does it feel like he has to take everything out on me?

Since my prayers, I suppose, have been answered I have no idea what to pray for next. I do know that regardless of how I feel right now which is so fucking horrible that I still sing his praises to every one else. BECAUSE I’M NOT AN ASSHOLE! I’m sure that it matters even less right now as I won’t see him for weeks again.

I honestly felt like THE friend could have been the “new guy” in my life for a long time or ever and I’m sad that I don’t feel that at all right now. I wish things were different with us more than anything else in my life right now. I wish that his action mirrored his, once long ago words, about how important I was. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to just sent him this site and make him understand what he does whether knowingly or not. I wished he’d understand my perspective as much as I’ve tried to understand his situation. I wish he gave a shit… That’s all.


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