So, I’m just gonna break the rules and say that this weekend has been great so far. My rule is usually, don’t say anything because the moment the universe finds out you’re happy it tries to kill all the happiness but I don’t care. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to say that.
I went to a friends house who was having a large party but not one of those annoying frat type parties. There was a little bit of politics, a little bit of drinking, some pool playing, a band and a lot of fun. It was also unplanned for me. This is the part where I tell you the things I still like.
A few nights ago an old friend did the midnight pop in… Which I still like, a lot. We sat outside for a long while and I didn’t even care that I had to work in the morning. We talked and got reacquainted. He brought me this weird perfume. He said it was a mixture of mysterious, sultry and vanilla which reminded him of me so he thought he’d come by. So, surprises and unexpected drop ins – check.
Now back to the party. I was a little nervous at first because I wasn’t sure I’d know anyone but him but when I got there there were two others that I knew but I soon forgot about them. When I walked in I was immediately drawn to the band because I miss live music so much especially in the rawness that only comes when it’s just a fun, “lets have some drinks and just jam” kind of way.
So, there I was standing there in my rock t-shirt, jeans and all-star chucks with my newly blonded hair and my eyes went straight to the drummer. I’m not usually a fan of the drummers more the lead singers or guitarists but there he was with his short dark hair, tanned skin and facial hair that was a bit messy. He was in his black tank top and jeans and vans… We later had a discussion how it would never work out between us because he was a vans guy and I was a chucks girl BUT we’ll get to that later.
So I chatted with a lot of people all while sitting on the edge of the couch sipping on a solitary beer for a while as they were playing all the greatest hits of the 80’s rock bands. When they finally stopped I was chatting with my friend who’s house it was and the drummer came over to us. We were introduced and it was just awesome after that. First, I noted that he was about 5 foot 10 which was ok and I also noted that he had the body type of someone that probably works out but not enough to take care of the last five pounds around his waste which again, I’m fine with.
We started chatting about where each were from, what we do for a living and surprisingly he has a very 9 to 5’er job which he has to wear suits to Monday-Friday… I still like a well dressed man but one who can also look great comfortably too. After about an hour (that flew by) we decided to go outside where there was another group of people but these were a bit more drunk than the ones inside. We sat to the side on this make-shift cooler bench and my “I still likes” just kept coming.
He was full of compliments but not the fake or generic kind. He complimented things that I said, little things he’d noticed and just random things. We actually covered a lot of stuff that I don’t discuss with anyone. He was welcoming to talk to, open and wasn’t afraid to disagree with me and have a good reason why. He kept great eye contact, like the kind that’s used when you’re really listening to someone and he has a great sense of humor mostly based of sarcasm which is the second language that I speak.
He loves dogs but doesn’t have one because he’s not home enough which is exactly why I can’t bring myself to get another one. He asked a lot of the right questions because he actually wanted the answers to and not because he thought he should or it would make him look better. He’s Catholic, which is apparently a thing for me but not extremely religious. Basically only on the important holidays. He’s more spiritual and offered to teach me how to meditate without losing my mind.
He was kind, offering to help this one girl who was way passed wasted to either find a bedroom to pass out in or a ride home. She opted for the ride home and he’d asked if I wanted to go with. Sadly, she only lived about 10 minutes away but it was nice to see him outside of the awesome chaoticness that was that house. Once there, he’d gotten her keys and made sure she was inside, on a bed with a trashcan and a glass of water. That was impressive because it means he’s a natural nurturer. He immediately seemed like a man that wanted to take care of people out of kindness not out of obligation and someone who would, not so much force his help on you but calmly explain why you just couldn’t say no to him.
After about 40 minutes of being gone from the party we returned. It had actually died down quite a bit. Maybe a third of the people had left and it was a lot quieter. He walked in asked what I wanted to drink and came back with two in hand. My friend, this new guy and I sat on a corner couch and just talked for a while with the friends sister. We laughed, joked and my friend tried to embarrass me by telling stories from way-back-when but I don’t embarrass that easily and the new guy thought some of the stories where cute anyway.
My friend looked at his phone a while later and realized that it was almost 3 in the morning and he decided to go to sleep, I decided that it was pretty late and grabbed my stuff to leave. This new guy walked me out. He said he wasn’t tired and wouldn’t mind a bit more one on one chatting which I was totally ok with but it was at that point that I realized neither of us had even looked at our phones since we’d met hours before and that was a great feeling.
We sat on the grass in the front yard for what seemed like ever but only a moment. Strange how that happens. I didn’t think there would be much more for us to discuss but I was wrong. He actually got very personal which I found strangely attractive. He told me about his father’s passing which was a few years ago and how he’d gone into a deep depression during that time. He said that he still felt that way a lot and tried to work on it with how he lived his life because he didn’t want to take anything. Yet, another thing he and I have in common.
I explained that I’d been feeling stuck, depressed and bored with life and I didn’t know what to do. We both used the word “disconnected” and I found that interesting. And then he said the most honest thing to me… He said, “I know the depression is still there tonight but I haven’t needed to acknowledge it because I’ve been way to into being around you. I haven’t felt like this in a long time and I hope that it doesn’t scare you but I don’t really want that feeling to go away.”
I sat there for a moment and didn’t say anything because I felt like I needed to form my words. Then I replied by telling him that he was right and that it did scare me that he said that but I was flattered in the same breath. I told him that I felt like he was a distraction from the world that night but that I wasn’t ready to say those things in return. Which he laughed at and said he’s been know to be intense but I think that’s what I need right now. I need someone who’s intense.
I then explained my aversion to all things emotional, that I suck at communication and that it might not matter how I felt about him, he might just never hear from me again. It all depended on “things” in my life. Then we talked about the fact that that might have just been “one of those nights” that you need in your life in that very moment and that maybe it’s not supposed to be anything more or less but a memory.
There was one perfect moment that I noted a kiss should have happened. We’re alone outside, connecting, the fall air is salted with a sliver of coolness and at the very moment that I felt like it was going to happen… Guess what I do? I stand up, get my keys out and say that I’ve just realized the sky is getting brighter which means it’s almost sunrise and I need to go home. I fucked it up! If I would have wanted anything different from him I would have wanted him to just go for it anyway. It’s been way too long since I’ve been kissed with one of those, “I have to do this right now” kisses. He was a gentleman though.
As much as I wanted to have sex with him that night, it would have ruined the moment I think, or the opposite happens. When you connect with someone on such a deep level, then you have sex it can sometimes cement the deal. There’s something about swapping spit or other things that makes the other person have the feelings of falling in love with you… I don’t know. I read that a lot. I can not guarantee if I see him again though that I’d be able to resist.
He gave me a great, big hug instead, kissed me on the nose (which I love) and closed my door. I could see him stand there until I was out of view before going inside and then I had that drive home that you just relive everything all over again and again. It was exciting. He was exciting. I needed that. I needed to have a moment that I could think about over and over again while falling asleep. I needed that kind of attention, attraction, connection. I’ve not felt connected to anyone in a very long time and it came at a perfect time.
I came home and slept for just a few hours before having to get up to have lunch with a friend but regardless of my minuscule sleep I have been invigorated all day. When I got to my friend’s house she asked if I had had some really great sex because I had a smile and a glow that she’d not seen in a while. I told her no and just said that I’d had a fun night last night and that was all. It was left at that so she could tell me about all her drama and stress. By the time I got home tonight I was still excited but exhausted. I fell asleep thinking about the way things “might” have gone if I wasn’t me last night and I wanted to stay in that dream state. But I didn’t and went out for dinner which was brought home.
Right now, I’m being way to logical in thinking that it wasn’t him that’s making me feel like this but just having that experience, unexpected and breaking out of my boredom. I don’t even know if I’ll see him again but at least I have that night to get me through a few more months of the same crap. There were so many things that he did right and probably so many things that I did wrong but I’m leaving it at this, “If this is meant to be anything more than what it was then we’ll see each other again and no one else will make me feel like that till then”. It’s my way of letting fate lead the way, which she does anyway.
I’m off to sleep but had to write all this down so I don’t forget the moment and how the moment made me feel. I am grateful for connections tonight, long overdue connections.