If you can’t forgive then you don’t deserve…

Have you ever heard that before? “If you can’t forgive someone then you don’t deserve them.” I think this is an extremely true statement. Forgiving and forgetting are two things entirely but it’s human to make mistakes and it’s also human to learn to forgive.

Some might say that there are some things that you just can’t forgive for and that might be true but I do feel that karma has a way of figure stuff out so that we don’t have to. I still firmly believe that if a lie is told then a lie is received. If something is taken then something will be returned. For some reason this is what’s stuck with me today. Forgiveness and karma.

This doesn’t mean that bad things don’t happen to good people. That happens all the time. It just means that instead of wasting my energy on the little things I can try to just empty my mind and my heart of all the stuff that darkens it.

Obviously this means that something in my life has happened but I don’t really have the energy to talk about it but what I do want to say is that from today on I am trying my best to just forgive everything from this point forward, to not hold on to things and to accept more things has they happen.

I’m not really sure if this has to do with the two cardio classes this week that have kicked my butt or the 7 lbs that I’ve thrown away because I refuse to say that I’ve lost them, cause I don’t want to find them again. Of course, the 7 lbs might actually be the weight of some of my problems that I’ve been carrying around. Hopefully that will equate to more as time goes on.

It’s been a tough haul to wake up with regrets, worry, guilt and shame. That all takes it’s toll. Things happen in such succinct way for me. For instance, I have an unexpected bill to pay but then a week later a client gives me cash because he’s drunk. Or I lose something but in looking for it I find something else.

I know that two days ago I believe it was a curse to constantly try to look for the bright side of everything but it was proven again today and I can’t deny this is truly my life. One door closes and another opens or one chapter ends so another can begin. I must also admit that I’ve always like the month of October anyway. It’s the warm days and cool nights. Granted, I still feel it’s cuddle weather with no one of cuddle but I look forward to it anyway.

So, part of this is also some nostalgia. I’ve talked about how I don’t like to keep things like emails, texts, voicemails. Things like that. And that usually I’ve always deleted them. This was for a couple reasons. First, I HATE when people use something from the past to win an argument in the present. Unfortunately, sorry ladies, but women are the worst at this. I don’t believe in scrolling through five years of notes to find something that might have been said, or taken out of context years ago. But mostly it’s because, unless you’re face to face, written word loses it’s meaning. Arguments start out of things that were taken the wrong way because people misinterpret. It happens all the time and while I’m not the best communicator at all I still believe that the most important things are said in person.

Now, with that being said, I came across some old texts from different people that were somehow stored on my computer (and yes have since been deleted). From these I came to the conclusion that I have a lot of people in my life that I can turn to if in need. I mostly ask them to do favors for others but still are there in case I need them to be. I also learned that I’ve grown a lot. Lastly, I realized that I’ve always had the same arguments with the same people or person and what I’ve learned there is that it’s really time to just let it all go. Not the friendship but the arguments. I’m done.

From the history, it was clear that I’ve said the same things, I’ve done the same things and I’ve felt the same things so in order to get a different outcome if the other party isn’t willing to change is for me to. I believe in some cultures that’s called growth. I’m not a firm believer in changing for someone else unless it’s for the better; however, I do believe in changing one’s self IF the relationship is important enough and I’m not compromising myself.

It’s not that I haven’t thought about this before and I realize that WANTING to change or WANTING things to change is a whole lot different than them coming to fruition but I think it all depends on just how much things matter to you. I guess I’m just putting things in to perspective now and sweating like an insane person will do that to a person. That’s why fitness has always been my best form of therapy. Plus, it’s taken away SOME of the boredom and also stopped me from making decisions that I’d regret like going over to someone’s place to “netflix and chill” just because I’m bored. When I said that I was done with immature relationships that don’t help me grow I wasn’t kidding.

So, I’m better than I have been but still have a long way to go. Also, it helped so much to have rearranged my space. I walked in tonight and felt a welcoming, uncluttered feeling which I haven’t felt in a while. Now if I could just hire someone to do my laundry that would make all things perfect in this moment. Well, maybe not perfect but better.

Here’s to better days, forgiveness and karma.

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