By now, we all the know definition of insanity right? Except according to Merriam Webster it’s not what we are taught that it is. The common definition is something like “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” but according to the dictionary it’s more like, “something utterly foolish or unreasonable”. Either way, I believe that I’ve reached a level of insanity.
What do I honestly think would happen by using gemstones, burning candles, or saying prayers? Well, I expected something other than the same. The truth is though I’m not entirely sure what I even want anyway. Maybe I know what I don’t want more.
I know that I don’t want typical. I don’t want disappointment. I don’t want to feel not good enough or shallow. I don’t want to be seen as weak or insignificant. Those “don’t wants” are easy to come by. If you forced me to tell you what I want it would be probably to be happily surprised by life and people. I want to wake up to a morning that I look forward to more than what my dreams might offer. I want something with someone that just mine. I want a life that makes me happy. Is that really too much to ask?
There’s also a lot of things that I want to change inside but changing yourself is probably one of the hardest things you can do. Don’t get me wrong, I like myself. On a good day I might even go so far as to say that I love myself. But I’m not good with emotions or confiding in people. You know this. I need people in my life that tell me, “Look, I get that you suck at communicating but I WANT you to talk to me.” I need to be forced by someone who actually means it.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately after something as simple as a hair appointment. That seems strange right? But first, let me explain the hair appointment. I have lived my hair life in probably every color possible but my fondest memories have all been as a blonde. In my opinion, blondes really do have more fun. But I started trying to be someone that I wasn’t. I knew why I’d done it. I was trying to make myself be someone that I wasn’t for someone that didn’t even acknowledge me as a woman. I was trying to make him notice me again and because of that I’d lost myself in the process.
Strange right? It’s only hair? Well, it wasn’t to me. I took a long look in the mirror a couple months ago and realized that I didn’t recognize myself, metaphorically and physically. I had become as bland and boring as my hair color. So, I knew that when I made the decision to go back to who I remember myself as it was actually more about me moving on and realizing that he was never going to notice me no matter what I did. It was a symbol of me letting go.
As sad as the phrase, “letting go” seems it’s actually helped. But I did all this research and looked through all these reviews and found this salon that I really liked. The downside was that it was pricey and it was in a snobby part of town but I went anyway. My first impression was just that. It and the clientele and the employees where all kind of pricey and snobby.
After my first consultation I didn’t really feel any different about it but my stylist and I came up with a plan for what I wanted. I’d be back in a couple weeks. The night I came back was an entirely different feel. For some reason, the employees gravitated towards my stylist and I and by the time my appointment was over we all seemed like long lost friends and they were all so open with me that it made me think.
That’s always been a “gift” that people I’ve never met before or don’t really know open up to me. Sometimes it’s not been a good gift. There’s things people have told me that they should never even share with their loved ones but I guess I’m grateful that they seem to confide in me. But it had me wondering why it’s so hard for me to be emotional or seen as someone that shares or is open.
If I wanted to I guess I could blame it on my up bringing. We weren’t a family that shared things. Ever. But then, not that long ago, I’d asked my brother if he’d ever been accused of not sharing enough and he’d said no. So that theory is out the window. I know that I’ve mad people mad or upset because I didn’t share things. My BFF has been vocal about that and so has my GBF and my boss.
I suppose that lately I’ve known that my last real, most honest, thing I’ve ever said is something that I’ve regretted saying so that doesn’t help. I don’t know why my barriers are up so thick. I’ve had shitty things happen in my life but I’ve never really had a shitty dating relationship with someone that I’ve dated that would have left these walls up so high. I’m sure I have to delve much more into this but what I realize is that someone who deserves me, the man I’m meant to be with, will be someone that has the power and strength to break down these walls I’ve built up. Someone who doesn’t even try is someone that I don’t need in my life because, and here’s my most honest thing to say tonight, I don’t have the strength in me to do it on my own.
So I guess, without too much trying, I can figure out what I DO need in my life but it’s mostly because I know what I don’t. Everyone gets a learning curse. With me though, I need a little bit of help with my emotional learning curse. Right now, it’s just one of my many flaws that I have. Until someone has a heart-to-heart with me about this flaw I guess that it’ll continue, until the right person comes along with a large sledge hammer. Just as there careful not to hit my heart along with it.