What was supposed to happen tonight… A nice date, with someone who’s been asking for a while. I had looked forward to it until I didn’t anymore. I was really going to try but then came another option which was to go to the beach with my GBF and his sister. She was admitted into a psychiatric hospital about a week ago and just got out so he thought it would be a good idea.
I guess I could start there. My GBF’s (Gay Best Friend) sister is a good person. She’s sweet when she wants to be. She very intelligent but like all of us she’s flawed. She has a brain condition that I can’t even pronounce which has her taking pain pills every day. I’ve also spoken about here before because she had a beautiful daughter that was murdered and that murder hasn’t been solved. That’s a whole other blog. But you can see with those things why she’s also depressed and has anxiety. She found herself really not feeling well for a couple days and finally decided to go the hospital where she somehow ended up being admitted into a psychiatric hospital but she’s out and hopefully better now. So I’d canceled the first plan to go with the second plan to show some friendly support.
But then, I woke up, on the couch this morning, and got this wild hair to start cleaning. My laundry is what really needs to be done but it’s so tedious that I decided to clean the rest of everything instead, or at least start to. I started going through boxes and binders and drawers and finding things that I’d never thought I’d throw out but realizing that maybe, something that’s holding me back is actually my lack of getting rid of things that I once found important.
By the end of my purging I was knee deep in old tapes that were carefully made for me, a few letters and some other items that I decided to get rid of. One of the most surprising things that I threw away was a recording of an old Buddhist that foretold some future that gave me hope. Actually when I first heard it, probably 20 years ago, I just shrugged my shoulders and didn’t think of it again till a few years back. That’s right after THE friend came back into my life and almost everything on that tape had become a reality except the one true thing that I wanted to.
And that’s where that story ended. I knew that the longer I held on to the tape the longer I might try to hold on to that version of the future which is total and utter bullshit now. Realistically though I know that it will take more than a materialistic purge to get rid of everything about that version of the future that I need to especially since my dreams are betraying me. I woke up this morning already upset that about a dream and I’m sure it’s part of why I did what I did. But it was a strange one…
I suppose part of this is because my boss was adults only kind of weekend and he was talking about taking ecstasy. He was joking that he was going to call me when it kicked in because he knew it was my DOC (drug of choice) back in my drug induced days. I told him to go eff himself and that I wouldn’t answer the phone if he did but it made me remember the feeling on it.
I will say this, at one point there was a very valid reason why this was a legal drug. When on it, there was literally nothing that could go wrong (aside from the obvious of overdose and all that). But the feeling on it was honest, powerful, safe, loved and happy. That’s something that I’ve not felt in a truly long time. Most of our settings were either a group of close friends or just two of us and it was just happiness on a cloud.
The dream went like this… THE friend and I were invited to go with my boss on his weekend excursion and we actually decided to go. When he got there the boss passed around the x and to my amazement THE friend wanted to take it which realistically I know he never would. I remember telling him that if he felt uneasy or anxious because he didn’t know anyone else there then to just squeeze my hand and we’d go for a walk or something. So, we sat there on a couch at a beach house and listened to everyone when I felt the tingling of my scalp and knew it was about to start. Then I felt this tremendous squeeze and knew it was time to go somewhere else.
We walked down a private beach for a while hand in hand for what seemed like ever until THE friend decided to stop and just sit on the sand. Being that he was knew to this he just started to feel everything. He felt the sand, his hair, my hair, my nose (cute but weird). This continued until he started spewing all this truth that I’ve wanted to hear in reality for way too long.
I remember feeling this weight being lifted off me and I could feel a weight being lifted off his because he was finally able to tell the truth about things that I never thought he would and everything seemed explained. I felt vindicated for every single thing for the past four years. Everything made sense. It was as if the 100 pound bolder that had been sitting on both our backs this whole like had turned into the lightest balloon that every existed. There was nothing but honestly, love and acceptance. There were no boundaries, lies or wall between us. I felt as though I could actually breath again….
Then I woke up and was just pissed because I knew that my reality would never be as good as a fucking dream and I hated that. So, I threw away the one last vestige of proof of what could have made things a better reality. Then I cleaned and rearranged my world until I just didn’t care anymore. After all of that I realized that I’d cleaned away the day and several phone calls. I then finished up with a long bath, kept my pants off and finish off my evening with a bunch of horror movies since they seem to rival my life lately.
I don’t know what life has to offer me in the future but I do know that it’s got nothing to do with a box labeled memories… and now they’re not longer staring at me wondering what the hell I’m doing.