Happy Halloween… with my rambling.

First, Happy Halloween. There was no party tonight only dinner out with friends. Halloween on a Monday kinda stinks. Not sure I would have been in the partying mood anyway. I think I’ve just had some sort of emotional hungover kind of day.

Luckily, I was the only one at work so I came and went as I pleased while listen to my music very loud. I feel like there was an appropriate mix of Rage Against the Machine and Social Distortion that I got to listen out my anger a bit. Music is my saving grace and my happy place. That’s probably why I’m not sure I want to make the new guy part of that just yet.

But speaking of the new guy, since I was at work alone today we talked on the phone for a while. He’s still in California and his stay just got extended for another week because of some crisis as his company. He told me all about it but my attention span was about 15 seconds which is longer than usual but not long enough to actually retain what he’d said.

I feel like the moment I said, in my head, “Okay, lets do this thing” with the new guy something happens so that we can’t get there. It would be different if there was another option and then the signs would make sense but there’s not so I don’t really know what’s going on here. I think I might have just found out that he doesn’t really want kids. It’s possible that if that is the case then it might not be a deal breaker but really?

This is what fate does to me… Give me a sexy, nice, smart guy with a hairless chest but he doesn’t want kids. Or give me someone that I can truly love completely and he doesn’t love me at all… You can understand why I get angry a lot about fate or at fate. Or I find a guy who likes kids but doesn’t really enjoy music. I really can’t win EVER! So, instead of a boyfriend, a kid or a dog… Right now I have a tiny little plant named blue.

So basically from this point on forward for the next two months it’s “holiday season”. I’m not so much a grinch as I am someone who just thinks that the whole point of the season is lost now. Not to mention that it’s usually done best with big families and I don’t have that.

I remember growing up I always wanted a big family that I could spend the holidays with but it was always just four of us. As we grew older it became the four of us and my brother and my closest friends. So I don’t have any family close to me, well 2 hour drive I guess is close but when our holiday comes it’s usually my drive to someone’s house to stay as little as I possibly can so I can be back home with my friends. Truth is it sucks that everyone’s coupled. So I just feel like I should be sitting at the kids table. It sucks to be single during the holidays…

I guess that’s my point which is another reason why I’m not so keen on starting something with the new guy. I’ve only ever asked one person if they’d like to come with me during my holiday chaos and that was… wait for it… THE friend and of course he said no but I was asking as a friend and nothing more. As I said our family’s holidays have always had our friends included and my brother likes him. He thinks he’s a good guy and wanted to hang out with him. What stupid ideas I have.

Well, I’ve got a little bit of time left for some cardio and then I’m off to bed. I’m going to leave you with my favorite Halloween song though… Enjoy.

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The end to the weekend I should have expected…

I don’t know why I still assume that we’ll still this relationship… THE friend and I. I wish I knew the trick to stop being disappointed by his lack of concern about this ship. If someone out there knows the secret please I beg you to tell me how not to give a fuck anymore. It’s not even fair that I’m not there yet and he’s probably been there for, oh, three years or just under.

I’m pissed and hurt and this should not be unexpected at all. Fuck this… I refuse to be the only one that gives a damn anymore. I’m so mad at myself for putting myself in this damn place every single time. I put myself out there and get hurt every single time. Every single time, Sundays basically end with me crying and realizing that this is a hopeless cause. We are a hopeless cause.

There’s never been a “we” or an “us” anyway. Just another thing that I’ve been delusional about. I’m so damn tired. I was having a great day seeing friends and playing with their little baby and I knew that I should have just not expect a thing about tonight. If two completely truthful texts hadn’t been answered with even a fucking peep why would tonight be any different. At one point I did say shrew this and went out and had dinner with friends but then I just couldn’t take it.

I couldn’t sit there and take the mediocrity of the conversation while I knew that he was intentionally breaking my heart over and over again because he could. It’s sad that no matter how joyous the day was the night makes me feel like absolute utter shit for believing that this is something it’s not. For believing that he is someone that he’s not. For believing that we are/were something that we’re not and have never been. I pray that one day someone tells me what the fuck I did to have to go through this.

I don’t know how many times that life proves to me that I don’t mean a damn thing to him for me to believe it but I get it…. Right now. In this moment I get it totally and completely. Thanks again for showing me just how stupid I’ve been this entire time. Thanks for proving yet again just how fucking unimportant this is. I hope she or it was worth it.

I. Don’t. Deserve. This.

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The weekend so far and some insight… I guess.

Weekend has been good so far, pleasant. For some reason I hate that word “pleasant” but it feels appropriate. I’ve had some great conversations, some great friends and a few drinks. The last place I went tonight I had my weird experience of the evening when a drunk girl who sloshed her drink on my pants said, “You look like a girl who’d steal my boyfriend. Fuck you!”. I don’t even know what that means but then her boyfriend paid for a round of drinks for us so maybe…

But after a full weekend so far, I decided to take one of my cathartic drives that I’ve not taken in a while. I put my Spotify playlist on my favorite songs of the “right now” and sang like I didn’t know I was horrible, cranked the sound up to 35 (must be divisible by 5) and relished in the slight cool breeze that was flowing through the car. While these songs were playing I heard one that was a basic an anthem to how my life is feeling right now. And of course, here ya go…

But for part of the drive I was also thinking about this article I’d read earlier about a mother of three who had three jobs. She was at a Dollar General store and has just cashed her paycheck. She’s accidentally left the envelope on the counter after she paid and left the store. She went back later to see if it was still there and watched the surveillance video of the woman directly behind her putting the envelope in her purse. The story turned out warm and fuzzy when she threatened the woman on a Facebook post that went viral and some hours later the envelope had turned up in her mailbox but I was that moment. The moment you decide in your head to do something or not. To say something or not. That’s a pivotal moment.

Do you realize that in one moment your life could taken an entirely new direction based on the tiniest little decision that you make? If that woman behind her had just given her the envelope right then things would have been no different except maybe the woman who left it might have said an extra prayer for her kindness. Or maybe the woman decides to not give it back, gets arrested and goes to jail, loses her job and some other bad things occur just because of that one moment.

This is the reason that I believe in fate so much. I don’t always agree with it but it’s one tiny decision. What if I’d not gone to that party. Would I have ever met the new guy? What if I didn’t choose to leave a job because they drug tested and that wouldn’t have gotten me where I am today. What if I hadn’t said things that I’ve said in the past? What if I didn’t think there was a purpose for every encounter, every relationship, every word spoken or not spoken.

Bottom line is that I do believe those things. I believe that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be whether it be a place I like or not. For the first time, lately, in a very long time I’ve mentioned the word “regret” and it was only about one person and the truth is I still don’t like where we are at all. This place sucks. It feels like purgatory between heaven or hell. That might be a bit dramatic but that’s the truth of how it feels. However, it’s decision that I made that put me here right now. In this place. There’s a strength in knowing that. Just like there’s strength in knowing that if this is it, if this is our finally then his secrets are safe, his wrong doings are safe and if it ends in the right way then there will still be love. I will still refuse to say an unkind word about him to our friends and will always defend his choices. I’ll always be supportive if needed and I’ll know at the end of the day that I was everything that I could have been because he’s never said otherwise.

I don’t actually want things to end but I can not stay in purgatory any longer when I don’t have to. I’d sworn that I’d always be here if he needed but he doesn’t need or want anything from me and can’t even put words together on in a response so we’re back to, I’ve done what I can. There’s a whole world of people out there that appreciate just the importance of being me.

This would be that pivotal point where, if it truly mattered, I’d know it. Without a doubt. But since nothing has every gone as planned or as needed in this relationship I can focus on the relationships that do. I’ve learned that relationships are like plants or even pets. You can’t just feed them or water them when you want attention or because you just remembered they were there. You have to constantly take care of them. Maybe I’ll ask one of the relationships that he does care about one day, what she did right. Actually, I don’t care because it’s not about any body but the two of us and right now there’s not even two of us in this relationship.

Did I mention that I am a bit tipsy? Obviously I don’t want to keep talking about this but it’s my only vent. It worries me that I can’t not focus on this when there’s a potential new relationship that I could be focused on and I am, kind of. The problem is that the new guy doesn’t feel like home as much as THE friend used to. When it comes to men in my life I’ve, I guess, always had a grand checklist to make up for an empty feeling somewhere. With THE friend I never had that. I guess some would ignorantly call it basic but all I wanted from him was what I know he has the capacity to give. He then chose to give that small amount and much bigger amounts to others. That shows true colors right there. But I never believe them. I wonder if he actually will ever have the capacity to look back and wished he’d done things differently. Guess I’ll never know.

These were all the things that I thought about on my cathartic drive tonight. While listening to some great music and trying to figure MY shit out before I can no longer check the “single” box.

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Feelings like home… or not.

I’ve had a bad couple of days. The only comfort has been in my home, alone. Moving from the bed to the couch in amazing amounts of pain but doing it so I at least felt as though I was somewhat productive. The new guy asked if he could come over and I declined. I declined to not only let him in my home but also to let him know that I’m not having a great week.

There’s few things that mean comfort to me and he’s not one of them yet. I also feel as though my home is my sanctuary away from being someone that maybe I don’t feel like being right now. Truth is, I want to feel bad in my own home without pants and sleep on the couch with a movie that I’ve seen 20 times on in the background. He’s not allowed to see that. Not right now.

He’s been honest with me about the days he doesn’t feel well and I appreciate that. You all know how I feel about honesty. It is by far one of the most sexiest things for a guy to be. But also, I guess, it excuses behavior as well. He feels as if he doesn’t get right back to me I need some sort of explanation but I don’t.

I’ve tried to explain to him that if we choose to date, he’ll soon realize that I’m not a “normal” girl. I don’t have to see someone all the time nor do I need constant positive reinforcement that we’re ok. I’m not that needy, it’s in my sign. But I do know that his sign requires a bit more attentiveness on my part and I may be willing to do that the more comfortable I get with him. I’m just not there right now.

He left today for California for a week. I feel a little relieved. That’s probably not good but I want him to do his own thing and not have to have each weekend where we’re together. I don’t know, I guess I should allow myself to go a little “girl brain” but right now I just need to make it through the week without having a breakdown.

My friend the Shaman called the other day and asked me to come by. When I did she had some interesting things to say to me. She knew about the new guy but her concern was more on THE friend. I tried to explain to her that that entire thing is a mute point since I don’t even see any love being reciprocated at this point and I’m done trying to love a brick wall covered by a barbed wire fence. She had some other thoughts about it all though and again, I just brushed them all off because I’ve done everything that I can and without any words back anything I’ve said has fallen on deaf ears, or blind eyes.

The sad fact is that I would do anything for THE friend if he’d asked. I would be whatever he wanted and be where he needed. Yet it’s so painfully obvious that he doesn’t need or want me in him life. It shouldn’t hurt since there is someone that does want all those things and more but it does. It hurts that I’ve tried more than I’ve ever tried with anyone to fix things. It hurts that his actions are so emotionless. He’s so emotionless. I’ve not hurt him. I’ve defended him when needed and ignored things that I probably shouldn’t have all for the sake of this friendship and it feels like its dying. If you care for something you fight for it. But if the other person has already left the ring there’s no point.

I am physically and emotionally drained and in pain so that’s all my thoughts this evening. I’m going to just go into the darkness somewhere and have weird dreams that are strangely comforting right now. Apparently it’s the only place that THE friend and I are ok maybe even great with each other. I wish I was strong enough to believe in my dreams right now because I still love him immensely.

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Weekend breakdown without an actual breakdown…

This post is being started before a workout and birthday dinner and finish after hopefully so I’m not sure where this will all go.

This weekend had a lot to offer with no expectations. I knew before I’d even left work on Friday that my plate was full, I just wasn’t sure what it was full of. I came home first and took a small nap then got up, showered and got ready for dinner with the new guy. This was our first real official date-like date. I wore a skirt… This does not happen that much but I felt pretty. My hair was working with me and my makeup was understated. I was under no expectation that this would go well or be anything.

He picked me up, which I usually don’t like (it’s a control thing where I like to drive). We went to a nice restaurant downtown. He brought one flower which I left in his car and wore a suit. He valeted the car and made sure he motioned to the valet to let him open my door. We went inside, sat at our reserved table and just started connecting. He’d asked how my day was and didn’t settle for “fine”. We were already, quickly making plans for the next day but I knew that I wasn’t going to sleep with him that night.

On one of our many conversations previously, I’d mentioned a tiny bit of my history and he understands. Plus, we still don’t know each other that much but I will say when it does happen with him or anyone else I’m going to insatiable and probably won’t be able to stop. It’s just getting to that point, like a comical cartoon of fireworks. It’s not that he’s not attractive nor that I’m not attracted to him but I just don’t want to rush into anything. I see how well that turned out for me in the past.

I’ve talked about this before, that most of my meaningful relationships that were sexual were actually friends first then something more. The first man I was in love with and I had no type of sexual relationship for the first six months and it built up so much that it was great when we finally did. I’m just trying not to make mistakes here.

We ended up closing the restaurant down and not realizing it. I actually felt like we were having such a great time that I didn’t want it to end but knew it had to. Can’t move too fast here so he dropped me off but by the time we were done just sitting in his car talking it was early morning. He kissed my forehead and cheek and made sure that we were going to meet “for sure” the next day (or later that day).

I came in and just immediately got undressed, took my sleeping pill and just sat in a bath for a little while, while going over the evening. Parts of it were making me smile to myself like an idiot. There’s still nothing that I don’t like yet. Some of the things he says though are just uninhibitedly amazing. Like he has no filter but it’s all good stuff. He still touches at the right time and in the right way. It’s a strange thing. Is it possible that he might be too perfect?

So the next morning I was up way too early and before I knew it we were already on our way to an Octoberfest that my work was doing something for so I was at the beach and I was happy. We walked around and ate a little, drank a little and talked about going to another festival back in town that work was doing as well but I didn’t want to leave the beach. There was a third one that was north of where we both live that was a music festival which we’d talked about but I’d gotten a call from a girl friend saying that she’d had a really bad day and wanted to see if we could get together. I felt like I wasn’t ready to have him be my festival buddy totally yet so I told him that we’d end the day so I could see to my friend. He understood and now, because he’s inquisitive, he probably knows more about her than he does me.

I came home, did a quick change and went to my friends house. Her mom was there watching her baby and she and I chatted a while while my friend got ready. When she finally came down we were off to dinner where she and I both had a drink (have seriously had more drinks this week than this whole year). She told me about her really crappy day the day before. She’s gotten into a hit and run accident in her new car. Then her doctor had told her that the chances of her having another baby were much smaller than she’d thought. I felt like saying, “some of us have the reproductive system of a 20 year old (per my doctor) but have no viable options at this moment as to bring a child into this world with”. But I didn’t. I did tell her that she should have hope and that on the off chance that she doesn’t have another child she’s already made one pretty amazing one.

After that point she’d decided that she wanted to keep drinking. Since I was driving and she was actually starting to feel better I’d agreed and we were off to a bar. The conversation was getting pretty personal on her end and she was saying how much she appreciated that whenever she felt bad I was always there to take her out and make her feel better. That was nice to hear but she kept throwing out all these nice things and for some reason it was just making me feel strange. I think it just felt nice to be needed by a friend at that moment. I’m not sure.

By the time we left there it was also early morning and she was very, very drunk but happy. We sat in her driveway for a moment and sang stupid karaoke songs that we both knew and that made us both happy. We like doing stupid kid shit together, sans the drinking sometimes. She’d thanked me repeatedly for making her feel better and by he time she was drained enough to pass out and I was on my way home I was started to feel so very tired but my brain wouldn’t shut off.

I’d had a great evening the night before on my date. I’d had a great day on another date and at the beach and I’d ended the day with a good night with a friend who needed me. But my mind was racing. It wasn’t thinking about any of that. It was thinking about someone else that doesn’t give me the same courtesy.

Seriously, why? WHY? WHY? WHY? And yes, say that in a childish voice and stomp your foot. I meet this great guy who I’m having fun with and it has potential. It has so much potential. But what’s on my mind is that I sent THE friend a truthful message days before which he’s ignored. IGNORED. And I was sure that I wouldn’t see him or hear from him on our “Sunday”… We’ll get to that later.

I woke up Sunday and realized that I was exhausted from the weekend already but I had more things to do. I went with another friend to go check out this expensive car collection and get brunch. We chatted for a bit and he was trying to make plans with me next month and my mind is still swimming back to the shallow end. I was trying to stay in the moment and enjoy but it wasn’t working. I decided to cut our day short so I could take a nap and shower and thought maybe that would help.

Instead, I took a long bath, watched a movie and then get a sudden text from THE friend that he was on his way soon. My mind went straight to, “Are you kidding me?” “Who totally ignores a written emotional cry for help for this friendship and then acts as though it never happened?” Um, him. That’s who. So I said, to myself, that I was going to enjoy the evening whether I feel like I’m doing it all alone for not.

He shows up, makes a sandwich and sits at my computer. I thought my head was going to explode so I went out for a cigarette. But he was acting like he was trying to not do or say anything wrong, on egg shells. We do this to each other way too much. But each time I wanted to say something or something was upsetting me I would just go outside for a cigarette. It’s my escape and I know that. I don’t even enjoy it anymore but it’s the only way that I felt to get out of a situation that could erupt. But maybe that’s what we need. Maybe we just need to blow up at each other. At least I’d get to see some sort of emotions from him. At least something would seem to matter to him.

I guess that’s a pretty effed up thing to think but we’re so stuck. I’ve heard of a three year itch in marriage but we’re not even anything anymore. It’s painful to watch this happen, as if I was a fly on the wall watching us. What am I even here for? There’s no communication, there’s no intimacy. It’s like two strangers sitting next to each other who just happen to be eating alone at a restaurant.

At one point he’d mentioned this line that he’d picked up from a commercial or something about the more scared someone gets the stupider the things they do are. For one moment I thought, is that your explanation? If so then what the hell are you scared about? Then I realized that was my girl-brain trying to analyze something that had nothing to do with me and I stopped. I would occasionally pick up my phone and smile about the guy that was missing me that I might find some joy with. And even less occasionally I’d write him back.

I’m so very confused because I have the opportunity to be with someone who’s has everything that I’m looking for. He’s so very happy to see me. We make each other laugh and smile. We WANT to be in each others company and all I can think about is, what the hell has happened to this relationship with THE friend that’s made this whole thing so convoluted. We spend only a few hours with each other once a week or every three weeks and I have a better relationship with my post man.

So I tried one more time to explain without anger what I’m feeling and I, again, got nothing. There’s a girl out there that he confides in, that he says good morning to, that he asks how her day was. I’m not asking to be that girl. I’m just asking to be that friend that was once worth more than ignoring, more than just a tap on the shoulder as he goes for the fridge. I’m asking to be a friend. Just because it takes only minutes for our text conversations to disappear from my view doesn’t mean they disappear from my mind. out of all the things that I could actually wish for right now, it’s to fix us but that’s pointless if I’m the only one who thinks something’s broken.

This is not me wanting what I don’t have. I’ve never “had” him but what we had used to be a lot better than this and if this is all there is then seriously, what’s the point. Why am I the only one who feels any pain because of this at all? I’m not even sure he’d notice if I moved away right now. I feel like I want to scream, “What the hell did I do to you that this is where we are?” and then I realize that I don’t have this with anyone else. And then I think if this is just this is that ok?… That’s my unanswered question this evening.

If there’s a friendship that’s dying in the woods but no ones around to hear me cry, does it actually matter? (That’s my second unanswered question this evening.)

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Early weekend posting, just some thoughts…

For some reason I had the desire to write something in the middle of my Saturday. It’s going to be a busy weekend. There’s three festivals that are going on and I’m going to all plus it should be a late night and I’m looking forward to each and every single bit of it. There will be lots of things to do, lots of places to go and lots of friends to see.

Whiling planning my weekend I was still a bit upset over the happenings of what happened the other day with THE friend until I realized something. I’d still not gotten a reply to my emotional heartfelt text I’d sent but about 12 minutes after I’d sent that his conversation was so far down on my texts because so many others had sent messages about getting together, having dinner, making plans or just to see what was up and how my day was going, that I didn’t even see it any longer. Didn’t mean that I wasn’t thinking about it but still realizing that I was giving it way more thought that he was so what’s the point.

Then, after just having complained that all he does is come over eat my food and ignore me, I see his shopping list for me. Um, no. So let me get this straight… You couldn’t care less to text me back. You ate my last of everything that I like to eat. You don’t want to do anything but stair at my TV or computer. You never want to do anything fun, keep any promise you’ve said to me or even consider me enough of a friend to have a fucking conversation with…. After what I’ve done and keep doing. Are you serious?

So it literally comes down to this. He’d rather spend time with others making some sort of social media memories but when it comes to this friendship he treats it the absolute worst that I’ve ever been treated and then he still expects me to buy his groceries, keep him fed and I’m the only one that’s remotely bothered, upset or emotional about it.

It is official. I have finally reached my limit. I have finally realized that this one sided friendship does absolutely nothing for me any longer. I’ve never been as honest with another human being as I have with him. I’ve never been as forgiving and kind with another human being as him and for some stupid reason I’ve assumed that his lack of care and concern for me was because I actually didn’t do enough. I’d taken his feelings into consideration so many times and thought them more important than my own thinking, at some point, things would change. I’d excused his actions away so many times but it just hit me like a brick that he treats everyone else better than he does me. That’s is a maddening fact to actually start to realize and yes it’s hurtful. When I think about it too much I feel like my heart is being ripped open or stabbed.

I’m sure I need to asked my therapist why this was so important to me to believe that there was a point to this and that I wasn’t just done with it all so long ago when I realized that this meant nothing to him. I’m still not a person who believes it’s ok to speak badly about someone to our mutual friends and if they ever ask about him I will still give them all the same answer, “I don’t know. You’d know more than I would”.

We’ll be done, he’ll get to walk away from this relationship that he treats so poorly with a cash bonus of anything that I’ve ever done and he’s never paid back and he’ll have his once a month appointment open again to go find some other woman that he can treat better than me. I’ll stop feeling like I’ve not done enough, like I’m not good enough and I’ll stop feeling like I don’t matter because I’m the only one crying over this shit or ship.

Now that is out of my system I’m going to finish getting ready, put on a smile and go be out in the world with friends that matter. I’m looking forward to a full weekend with true friends, good times and days that don’t end in me in my bedroom with the door closed crying over someone that was the most important to all while being the least important thing to him.

This blog was never supposed to be about the man who repeatedly broke my heart. It was always about me finding a man that held it love and care. That’s all about to change now. I am at peace with my decision and will finally break this cycle. I’m off to have a blessed weekend.

If you take nothing else from this, please treat EVERYONE with love, care and importance. Even when someone treats you poorly just smile, pray for them and move on. It certainly feels like a different day today. Maybe my horoscope was right this morning.

I couldn’t actually choose just one quote to post so I’m posting the one’s the hurt the most.

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Lost moments and pointless arguments…

I’m just getting back from dinner with friends. I’d actually canceled plans with them earlier because I was feeling tired and sick but decided to go ahead and go anyway. It was fun. We laughed and joked with the waiter who gave me free dessert. Not a bad night. I figure it was balancing my night from the day before because it wasn’t as fun.

You all know me, I never really reach out to people because I always feel that if they want to spend time with me then I’ll make the time. I’d decided, since we’d watched all the other debates together, that I’d ask THE friend if he wanted to watch. He’d said yes and we agreed on dinner, drinks and debates. I was looking forward to it.

I’d ordered the food, bought two bottles of recommended wine and came home to shower the shitty work day off me. I’d changed into my pajamas because I just wanted a chill night to relax. While I was waiting for him I’d gone out on my patio and the door locked behind me… I really should have taken that as a precursor to the rest of the evening. I then became someone who had to ask for someone else’s help. I had to wait till THE friend showed up just to get back in my home.

After the moment of “Wait let me get some embarrassing photo’s first of her then I’ll let her in” he immediately went to the kitchen and grabbed food, placed his stuff in a pile on my desk and preceded to sit there for the rest of the night on my computer, his TWO phones and not even engaging in the moment.

At first, I could tell that I was getting mad but I was trying to be calm and just relax. So, I had one glass of wine. Dinner then came and he was still on my computer and his TWO phones and still not engaging, so I had another glass of wine. Now, the debate is over, dinner is over, I’m on my third glass of wine (and I don’t drink) and I try one more time to have a conversation trying to tell a story that he only had to listen to for two maybe three minutes and he never even started to listen.

At this point in the evening, I’m a bit tipsy which should have been fun but I’m so upset that I just shut down. There’s nothing more to do on my end ever again. He knows I’m pissed and I hope that whatever captured his attention was worth it because then I just grabbed my stuff and went to bed, early, in my own fucking home.

I wake this morning probably feeling physically better than I should have but emotionally I just want to fucking scream. HE DOESN’T GET IT. HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND AND HE CERTAINLY DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK! But even though I’m still upset I’m trying to get ready so quietly so I don’t wake him up.

A few hours later, I’m at work and receive an apology text. I replied with pure emotion and didn’t even wait till I thought out what I wanted to say. I had an emotional purge which was long overdue. I basically told him all the things that I’ve said here. I told him that he keeps apologizing for doing the same thing but he keeps doing the same damn thing which makes the apology useless. I told him that the little amount of time we spend together and all I ever asked for were small things, never too much nor anything that I don’t think he can actually handle. Maybe I’m wrong there. I also told him that he makes me feel like the loneliest person on earth while he’s sitting right next to me. Then I apologized for not being bright or shiny or new anymore but he needed to start showing me that he cares even the tiniest amount.

Basically, yet again, I was the most honest with him than I’ve been with anyone and explaining that all I want to do is get some semblance of a connection of what we used to have. I ripped myself open and showed my vulnerability again and what did I get in return… NOT A FUCKING WORD.

Literally not one more thing was said after that. I didn’t get an apology, an explanation, a “fuck off”. I got nothing. What’s the worst thing that you can say to someone who’s just been completely honest with you? NOTHING.

I’m disgusted with myself for trying, caring or even assuming that things could actually get better between us. The saddest part of all of this is that I would be his greatest ally, his loudest cheerleader, his best friend if he could just do the smallest of things. I wouldn’t question our friendship, requests nor favors if it actually seemed like it wasn’t all just for killing time for him.

The worst part was I actually brought up money. I basically said I’d spend almost $100.00 on an evening that I was ignored the entire time. I hate that. 2-3 years ago I would have NEVER looked at things like that but his complacency has me doing that. I needed him to understand and see things from my perspective. But then I got home, knowing he was still here because he’s lost my key, and realizing that he had ever opportunity to response to another vulnerable conversation but he chose to be on my computer and his two phones the entire day.

Out of all the things I’ve tried to ignore or work through internally or fight for with us and I am not even worth listening to or responding to. This is not a fault or flaw of my own. This is entirely on him and why he feels the need to either push away or smash me in to the ground so far that I end up only crying over my stupid decisions. NO ONE DESERVES THAT TYPE OF HATRED OR DISRESPECT FROM ANOTHER HUMAN BEING WHO’S BEEN KIND, LOVING AND CARING TO THEM. NO ONE!

All I do know at the end of this day is that I love myself way too much to do this ever again. There is literally no amount of love that you can give someone enough to make them love you back even in the smallest of ways. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT.

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