Repetition is great, if you’re trying to stave off a bad habit or you’re trying to start a new good habit. What I’ve realized though is that repetition in life is insanely boring. I am aware that with my personality and my current state that repetition is the only way that I’ll do things that are, for most people, simple like cleaning or exercise or grocery shopping; it’s something that I just dislike.
I hate that I have a job that’s always the same thing, during the same hours, during the same days of the week. I wake up at the same time, go through the same morning routine. Then when I get to the office that pattern starts. I unlock the door, turn on the lights, turn down the AC and make my cup of coffee. All this is done while waiting for my computer to boot up so I can check the same hundred emails the just keep repeating. At the end of the work day, the same thing. If I’m the last to leave then I’m turning up the AC, cleaning my coffee mug, logging off my computer, turning the lights off and locking the door.
I know that if things were like that I’d probably never actually make it to work so I can see the advantage of it all. However, lately, since things are a bit different at work I tend to come and go as I please. Instead of going out to eat every single weekday I actually bought groceries to make a sandwich which is really weird for me but lately this hole circle of repetition has been racing through my mind, on repeat (imagine that).
It had me thinking of a man that I dated a while back. First, it was a short lust affair and second he was less a man than he was a boy. He was much younger than me and extremely immature but he was fun. We never did the same thing twice. He once took me to race cars. We had a picnic in the rain. We camped, went fishing and drove four hours to watch a football game.
One night, he’d gotten tickets to an invitation only party and we’d decided to go because it was new and fun. When we got there, we’d realized that it was actually a private sex club. It was a scene out of Eyes Wide Shut without the weird bad acting. He was noticeably uncomfortable but we’d decided to stay for at least 30 minutes. Then if we were both in agreement we’d leave. Nothing was going to happen but I was intrigued. I wasn’t uncomfortable because no one else aside from my date was.
I remembered walking around with a flute of champagne in hand wondering if I’d see anyone that I knew. Back in those days, I’d heard that my boss and his wife were into that stuff and that was my only concern to not run into them. It wasn’t gross or perverted or Cinamax-esq. For some reason I felt as though I wasn’t old enough myself to be there and realized that he must have felt even younger so I appeased him and we left.
It wasn’t long after that that I knew dating him was fun and exciting but that he needed to be with someone a bit closer to his age or at least his maturity level. I never went back to a place like that but out of all the experiences that we had together that’s the one that stood out the most to me because I could remember exactly how it made me feel. It was a moment.
I’ve said this before but I don’t remember dates (unless there’s a five in there somewhere) but I do remember moments and the feelings that surrounded that moment. Some have been those “Movie moments” that I talk about. The one’s that end up in cheesy romantic comedies but some are just ones that leave an imprint.
That’s what’s been lacking in my life lately is the imprints, the movie moments and the new experiences. I know that I won’t wake up tomorrow and suddenly have one of those things happen and that’s the part that scares me. That those moments are over. It’s as if I’ve been hexed with the curse of boring and that someone once looked at me with envy or disdain for the happiness that I was feeling and put so much “evil eye” on me that it took away all the great moments in life. To be, it’s almost the same as taking away the air I breath and now I’m stuck.
The best way to describe this feeling is that life is just hard right now. I’m having an allergic reaction to it. I’m feeling disconnected to people, to myself. I’m uneasy. I acknowledge that things are in desperate need of changing but where do I go from here? What’s the next step? Some days, as the world is happening around me I feel like the one person standing still screaming in my own head. I need a shock to the system.
I’ve also said this before, in such a connected world that we live in today why is it so fucking easy to feel the most alone that ever before? Days like today I just really need to know that I’m not except I’m not even willing to answer to the phone to find out. I’m in need of something new, something real, something that doesn’t go away the moment I open my eyes.
I wish I had a better story for you tonight but that’s what’s on my mind…