So you all know how I feel about “signs” and destiny, karma and all that jazz right? Well, I’d asked for a sign the other night, feeling like I’ve reached my limit on my love life and today pops up a little message on my phone. “Dan’s Birthday”. He’s my ex. I didn’t look at that as a sign right then but I’ve not spoken to him in a while so I’d politely texted him a birthday message and his reply was, “Let me take you out for one drink tonight”. I begrudgingly said ok and then didn’t really think about things until I was on my way around four this afternoon.
When I got there, it was awkward at first. His hug was stiff and almost never-ending. I could tell he’d already had a few drinks from the smell on his breath. Okay, so this must be a weird thing for me but it’s a total turn-on when a man’s breath smells of spirits… His smelled like beer, but even so I still liked it. We’d sat and chatted for a bit. He asked about life, work and all things. I talked about work mostly and he said that he was jealous that I had a career, not that he wasn’t happy for me but that he wished he did something that he liked. I told him that I have my moments but I liked that he was inquisitive. I liked that he asked me questions and actually wanted to hear the answers.
Another thing that I like is that he had a no phones rule. He actually just leaves his phone at home when we go somewhere. That’s a nice change. So, I abide with his rules because it’s nice to have a conversation with full attention. We then left to go to a small friends bar down the road. While it’s a bar that I’ve taken a lot of dates to, it’s also a bar that I’ve taken a lot of friends too and they all seem to like it.
We walked in, sat at a 2 seated table with an intimate setting. I knew that probably wasn’t a good idea but I did it anyway. At first, with no phone to instantly distract from the initial awkwardness I could just feel his eyes burning through me. It was a strange but amazing feeling. There I as, sitting at the table with someone who truly is in love with me. Who loves my company and who tries everything in his power to make me share those feelings too and it’s a nice thing to have that. It’s been too long.
After just a few moments of weird, we began chatting about all things. Him more but I loosened up after a few infamous bar drinks. Then, at one point, he just looked at me and said that he could get lost in my eyes forever, that they were mystical. The yearning to hear compliments had become too much to resist his at that very moment. I didn’t even blush I just smiled and sighed as I knew where this was going but then I started thinking about things. I started thinking about just how much I need to hear the words, “I Love You” right now in my life. I started thinking about just how much I needed someone to treat me with respect and admiration and acknowledge that I wasn’t an appointment to be kept, an annoyance to deal with in order to get something needed from. I need to be loved in a way that I’ve either not had lately or I’ve pushed away previously and I needed that with someone who was honest and kind and compassionate.
Most of the things that I’ve asked for lately were sitting right in front of me right then. I had this strange “life flashing before me” moment and I quickly saw this picture of us in the future. We were sitting outside under a tree and he was playing his acoustic guitar and I was laying down next to him smiling. I saw this and I was confused whether that’s what I wanted, or if it was him I wanted or needed it with.
My mind is jumbled lately because I’ve not been getting the things in my life that are needed to be emotionally healthy. I need intimacy, sex and most of all love. I need it in such a way that I don’t have to question it. I don’t need it all the time, everyday but I do need it. That’s the part that I understand now. I also need a mature relationship. I need one that helps me grow, mature and be better than I was the day before. I need someone who supports me and still accepts me for who I am and encourages me to be someone I want to be in the future. But in the smallest, cheesiest way some days, I just need someone to give me a strong, firm hug and maybe hold my hand while I’m going through shitty things.
I understand now that the true and lasting love isn’t the one that knocks you on your ass and shakes you to the core. Sometimes, it’s the love that settles in a firm and mutually respectful place. It’s the love that’s honest and caring. It’s the one that will protect you, make you feel better and brush that hair from your face on a windy day. It’s doesn’t have to be the one that feels like it’s ripping out your guts. But what the hell do I know about love? Maybe nothing but I do know what I need.
So, is it him? I don’t know but I’m ready to find out I guess. I need to make sure that it’s not because he’s the only man standing in my corner right now. Once I figure that out I guess I’ll know for sure. I might just be about to start a new journey… We’ll see when the liquor filled smoke clears later.
I find myself too wired for sleep. We’ll see what kind of trouble I can get into until I sleep.