Love is… and other fairy tale lies.

We are living in an era that doesn’t allow for big movie moments any longer. No grand gestures of showing up in the rain, grabbing a hold of someone’s face and kissing them as though they are the last person on this earth. While I have had my experiences of movie moments I fear that they are long gone now. People no longer have the attention span to love someone so unconditionally that they are willing to work on their faults or flaws and to show the other person that they matter. It’s a sad state of affairs.

This is just the thing that has caught the attention of my mind at this very moment. My mind has actually been reeling since last night. My friend from the northeast was on one of his long drives which is when he likes to catch up. His first question is always, “So how’s life?”. I tend to actually tell him the truth so my response was, “I’m having an allergic reaction to life right now.”

After a bit of discussion about what’s been going on we then moved on to family, friends and strangely zodiac signs after a small dabble with politics and the economic temperature. That might be why he and I get along so well. We’re both Aquariuses. We share a lot of the same thoughts and sentiments about the same things. It’s nice to debate at times but it’s also nice to be on the same page as someone who not only shares your thoughts but agrees with stances.

I suppose it was a conversation that I needed to have with someone. We’re extremely honest with each other but there is one thing that we don’t agree on. At this time in our lives we share one singular commonality with opposing beliefs. So, we had a long conversation about this one commonality and I realized that I was still fighting for someone else.

It’s not and has never been my responsibility to explain someone else’s faults and I don’t know why I still feel the need to. The worst part of it is that (and you all knew this was coming) THE friend has no idea how much I am on his side. At this point, if things haven’t changed with us, they are never going to and I understand that. However, I just wished he knew that he might never find another human who has been someone so understand that I feel it my “job” at times to never betray him. Loyalty, you’ll find, is a true rare trait that is so underrated.

I don’t assume that there will be any life altering event that will happen to him when I am no longer in his life that will make him understand just who I’ve been to him and I’ve gotten to the part in the story that I’m starting to no longer care. Yes, I care enough to write about it but no longer to discuss it.

The basic fact is I’m tired of the lies. I’m tired of the excuses. I’m tired of defending someone that doesn’t even have the smallest decency to fulfill the smallest of promises. I wish things had stayed the way they were in the beginning. We were carefree. We had fun. I didn’t know all these little stories that people divulge without me asking.

I wish I never fell for the boy who both hates himself too much and takes his poor choices out on others. I don’t really know at what point this whole thing turned but I used to blame it on falling in love. That’s never been the reason though. It was the reason I stayed and it was the reason why he might have thought he could abuse this relationship but that’s not what turned things from fun to whatever this had become. I’m not sure where this blame lies…

That is only part of the hail storm of shit that’s being dropped in my life right now but for some reason that’s what I focus on. Most of the other things I’ve chosen to adjust my feelings about. For instance, one bad thing happens and after the initial shock of it all I start to think of what was good about that. It’s a bit like when they say, “If you ask God for patience does He give you patience or does He give you situations where your patience is tested?”.

That’s true. I do believe that God gives us lessons and it’s up to us to decipher to code. I’m getting better at that and I’m learning to understand the moral of each story. However, this story, without much of a chance for any sort of happy ending, is the hardest one to decode. Yes, there’s lessons within this relationship that’s taught me things but nothings come to fruition. Yes, it’s taught me patience, understanding and kindness but what has it taught him? What’s the point of this relationship for him except to practice the ways NOT to do things with others.

I don’t give up on things very easily but I am sure that this hasn’t been easy at all. At what point is it over? At what point have I learned enough lessons to stop being hurt, lied to and used by the same person? It’s not as though I’m not aware of EVERYTHING at this point. There’s nothing that shocks me anymore and sadly it’s usually the bad stuff.

I’m sure at one point I asked God to bring me someone to love, to care for and to be kind too. It’s too bad that THE friend didn’t ask for the same things and if he did I’m sure she’s the happy one right now, not me.

As I said, things are not going extremely well right now and he’s not all to blame, however, he is not someone who should be making things worse. People are supposed to be in your life to make it better. I’m beginning to understand that the reason he could never articulate what I meant to him was that it was never that important to him, or I wasn’t. It’s hard to articulate, “Well, I’m happy that you let me do these things and that we don’t actually have to talk when we’re together and that you’re a secret.” None of those things could be said about me, from any other persons mouth, in my life.

It’s a sad state of affairs that even after all those thoughts about him I still have fight in me to prove he’s a good and kind person to everyone else or maybe I fight so hard because I’m trying to convince myself.

… And on that note, I think I’ve found the perfect quote for tonight while listening to the rain fall.


The Final Finale of the Ex… and other things.

“Close your eyes. Imagine you wake up inside a box. The box is thick and leaves no room for movement. You’re stuck. The box is either too hot or too cold. It’s hard and unforgiving. It’s constricting. It’s claustrophobic. During the daylight you’re confined to see the world through cracks and at night you dream. You dream about being a child and running and jumping and playing only to wake up and remember that you’re living a nightmare and you feel like this will be your coffin. Now open you’re eyes and realize that your body is that boxed coffin.”

About a year ago, I started to write that above with the thought that my BFF would no longer be able to work due to her illness (multiple sclerosis). That she’d need a way to pay bills and thought about doing some sort of “Go Fund Me” page or something. She would have never let me, realistically because she’s too proud to ask for help. This is a commonality that we both share. However, this is either proud or stupid.

The way my brain works is that it shuts out everyone and pushes them all away when I feel like I might just need them the most. I’m not sure if it’s a coping mechanism or if it’s to prove that they actually truly care. Sometimes I think that if they can break down my walls then they’re meant to be here and if they don’t or can’t then maybe they’re not. This past weekend was a fine example of all of that. There was bad news, after bad news, after bad situations that kept occurring and by the time Monday rolled around I’d decided that I was no longer going to answer my phone, check my mail or remove myself from my bed. Well, I made the mistake of moving and actually went to work. After the weekend of some bad news, a lot of pain physically and a small argument I decided that maybe work would be best to change my opinion of things.

That actually didn’t work and put me in bed the next day. All day. Avoiding everything that came my way. I did, however, come to the conclusion that the man that saves me from myself one day will probably be the one I’m meant to be with and the ex wasn’t cutting it at all.

It’s funny. My BFF and I have this movie that we watch all the time because it reminds us of each other. The Sweetest Thing. I am Christina Applegate and she is Cameron Diaz. In the movie Christina’s character says, “Don’t name the puppy” speaking of men. You’re not supposed to name them, that’s when things get serious. I find that I do the opposite though. I named the ex and now he’s is so far behind in the rear view mirror it was almost funny how fast it went.

He probably dodged a bullet, in my opinion. The truth is, he annoyed me. I knew it was happening the moment I wrote the last post. You can’t force fate, love or anything really. I suppose this might just mean that I won’t get any sort of ending at all, whether it be happy or not. His downfall was of no fault of his own. He was just being him and to me that’s not what I wanted in a forever. I could probably pick out three friends that I could see him with before me and that should have been a sign.

I haven’t seen him since his birthday and I won’t again. I think I get some sort of clarity when I’m just about to drift off to sleep. That’s when I tend to see things clearly and then again, reiterated in my dreams. There’s a sort of comfort that comes from having guest appearances in my dreams by people I’ve never met but somehow know.

Right now I’m tired. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of wondering “What’s next”. I’m tired of being proved right about things that I wish I wasn’t right about. Do you know how hard it is to find a selfless man out there? Do you know how hard it is to find someone that can see past their own needs, wants and desires for just a few moments to understand that maybe, it’s time to actually pay back some kindness and not monetarily?

If I could teach my niece a few things about love I’d tell her this…

Don’t fall for the man who uses people like you use things.
Don’t fall for a man who doesn’t know your worth.
Don’t fall for a man who promises things and doesn’t deliver.
Don’t fall for a man that lies to you because you’ll never trust him again.
Don’t fall for a man who only wants sympathy and compassion but never gives it in return.

One of my most favorite quotes is from Bob Marley and to me, it goes both ways. Love isn’t easy and it takes work but the reason why you work so hard should be for the person not the benefits. I’m not suggesting that there’s a huge great love out there for everyone but there has to be better that what I’ve seen. I honestly don’t think that I ask too much at all and I won’t do with anything less.

I know my thoughts are jumbled and might not make sense but hopefully they will soon. Hopefully everything will make sense soon.


Showing Signs of Signs…?

So you all know how I feel about “signs” and destiny, karma and all that jazz right? Well, I’d asked for a sign the other night, feeling like I’ve reached my limit on my love life and today pops up a little message on my phone. “Dan’s Birthday”. He’s my ex. I didn’t look at that as a sign right then but I’ve not spoken to him in a while so I’d politely texted him a birthday message and his reply was, “Let me take you out for one drink tonight”. I begrudgingly said ok and then didn’t really think about things until I was on my way around four this afternoon.

When I got there, it was awkward at first. His hug was stiff and almost never-ending. I could tell he’d already had a few drinks from the smell on his breath. Okay, so this must be a weird thing for me but it’s a total turn-on when a man’s breath smells of spirits… His smelled like beer, but even so I still liked it. We’d sat and chatted for a bit. He asked about life, work and all things. I talked about work mostly and he said that he was jealous that I had a career, not that he wasn’t happy for me but that he wished he did something that he liked. I told him that I have my moments but I liked that he was inquisitive. I liked that he asked me questions and actually wanted to hear the answers.

Another thing that I like is that he had a no phones rule. He actually just leaves his phone at home when we go somewhere. That’s a nice change. So, I abide with his rules because it’s nice to have a conversation with full attention. We then left to go to a small friends bar down the road. While it’s a bar that I’ve taken a lot of dates to, it’s also a bar that I’ve taken a lot of friends too and they all seem to like it.

We walked in, sat at a 2 seated table with an intimate setting. I knew that probably wasn’t a good idea but I did it anyway. At first, with no phone to instantly distract from the initial awkwardness I could just feel his eyes burning through me. It was a strange but amazing feeling. There I as, sitting at the table with someone who truly is in love with me. Who loves my company and who tries everything in his power to make me share those feelings too and it’s a nice thing to have that. It’s been too long.

After just a few moments of weird, we began chatting about all things. Him more but I loosened up after a few infamous bar drinks. Then, at one point, he just looked at me and said that he could get lost in my eyes forever, that they were mystical. The yearning to hear compliments had become too much to resist his at that very moment. I didn’t even blush I just smiled and sighed as I knew where this was going but then I started thinking about things. I started thinking about just how much I need to hear the words, “I Love You” right now in my life. I started thinking about just how much I needed someone to treat me with respect and admiration and acknowledge that I wasn’t an appointment to be kept, an annoyance to deal with in order to get something needed from. I need to be loved in a way that I’ve either not had lately or I’ve pushed away previously and I needed that with someone who was honest and kind and compassionate.

Most of the things that I’ve asked for lately were sitting right in front of me right then. I had this strange “life flashing before me” moment and I quickly saw this picture of us in the future. We were sitting outside under a tree and he was playing his acoustic guitar and I was laying down next to him smiling. I saw this and I was confused whether that’s what I wanted, or if it was him I wanted or needed it with.

My mind is jumbled lately because I’ve not been getting the things in my life that are needed to be emotionally healthy. I need intimacy, sex and most of all love. I need it in such a way that I don’t have to question it. I don’t need it all the time, everyday but I do need it. That’s the part that I understand now. I also need a mature relationship. I need one that helps me grow, mature and be better than I was the day before. I need someone who supports me and still accepts me for who I am and encourages me to be someone I want to be in the future. But in the smallest, cheesiest way some days, I just need someone to give me a strong, firm hug and maybe hold my hand while I’m going through shitty things.

I understand now that the true and lasting love isn’t the one that knocks you on your ass and shakes you to the core. Sometimes, it’s the love that settles in a firm and mutually respectful place. It’s the love that’s honest and caring. It’s the one that will protect you, make you feel better and brush that hair from your face on a windy day. It’s doesn’t have to be the one that feels like it’s ripping out your guts. But what the hell do I know about love? Maybe nothing but I do know what I need.

So, is it him? I don’t know but I’m ready to find out I guess. I need to make sure that it’s not because he’s the only man standing in my corner right now. Once I figure that out I guess I’ll know for sure. I might just be about to start a new journey… We’ll see when the liquor filled smoke clears later.

I find myself too wired for sleep. We’ll see what kind of trouble I can get into until I sleep.


Waiting… yet again, for something we all deserve.

This week has been a strange one already. Aside from work driving me crazy, my ex that I work with and I have had to do a bunch of personal stuff for my boss who’s on his millionth vacation this year. At least him being away gives us the power to come and go as we please. That takes away a bit of stress. But next week he’s going to have a shock to the system when we (my ex and I) both go in to his office and demand a difference.

His favorite phrase since this whole new change at the office is “Wait till the smoke clears. Everything will be great.” Problem with this is, not only has the smoke not cleared but it feels like Hiroshima. I even went as far as making a humor t-shirt that depicted the boss drinking a margarita saying everything will be fine on the front while on the back was an actual picture of Hiroshima and the quote “While in the real world” above. We presented it to him before his vacation and instead of understanding our point he just narcissisticlly smiled at the fact that he now had a t-shirt with his photo on it. I really need less narcissistic people in my life.

Aside from that I also had another go in the surgical chair for three and a half hours. That is way to long to be awake at all for something that painful and again against everyone else’s better judgement I drove home afterward. I really shouldn’t have but when I got here THE friend was here making himself at home. That made me feel better except when I thanked him for staying he promptly stated that he really only stayed cause he was lazy and it had nothing to do with me… Yet again proving that my company doesn’t make a difference. That’s one he really could have just lied about.

Today I’d decided I was going to call an old friend to see if he could get me tickets to Guns N Roses this Friday. I’d been planning on going for a while but never got around to getting tickets assuming they’d just fall into my lap if I was meant to go. When I did, I realized I hadn’t talked to him in a while and of course he wanted to “get together”. I told him that wasn’t a good idea because I’m not doing that with just anybody anymore and if that was his caveat then I’d just miss the show. The moment I said no he seemed to have lost all sweetness because he said, “I thought we had a good thing”. (Please read that in a dopey voice). All I could think of saying was, “Are you kidding me? Is getting your rocks off that important to you cause that’s all it was”. However, I didn’t say that at all. I could have also said, “Look you little f*cker! I helped start your business, and did a shitload for you and this is how you repay me.” But I didn’t say that either.

The point is I’m tired of being around selfish, narcissistic assholes that honestly can’t see any other wants or needs than their own. I’m tired of making sure everyone else is taken care of and that everyone else has what they need before I get anything. I’m tired of getting treated as an ATM, a grocery store or a whore. That’s the bottom line. Is anyone else capable of doing something that isn’t somewhat selfish? While it’s possible that I’m in pain, in a mood and hormonal it is also possible that these are the times that I speak the most truth.

My friend, the Shaman, always said to write out what I want in that moment so that the universe hears me. So here is my “want” right now. I want someone to wake up to that sweet, kind and gives a shit about my feelings, my desires and MY wants. I want someone in my life who speaks in honesty, with kind words and who leaves beautiful footprints on my soul and not shoe scuffs on my heart. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have someone actually treat me like a princess for just one evening. I’m not delusional enough to want that every single day but once in a while is deserved.

It seems as though the most honest, loyal and mutual relationship I have is with my ex that I work with. He’s the first boy that I was ever in love with and we have a great relationship. We joke with each other, confide in each other, truth each other and have each others back. We give each other honest but kind advice. There’s fun sexual banter thrown around but it’s harmless and we respect each other. I don’t want anything else from him and vice versa.

Now, if I could duplicate that type of relationship with the comfort I feel with THE friend and find someone who treats me the way I should be treated, then I’d have the perfect boy. The problem is I’ve got all these assholes in the path to finding something better. When I ask for surprises, and hugs and kisses it’s never too much to ask. And it’s also not like I’m out there in the real world obsessed in finding someone but I’m almost at the point where I’d rather be completely alone that feel lonely in others company.

I don’t know who else to phrase the same prayer that I need someone in my life to make me feel something other than shit. I need some sort of a sign that things will get better other than a psychic friend who tells me things that I no longer yearn to hear because it’s all shit. It’s all false hope and I’m done today. I’m aware that if you all had a $1.00 for each time I said I was done then you’d all be rich right now but you have no idea how close I am to this. Life would just be a little sweeter with someone that I can be with that gets to be treated the way that I want to treat them. There’s so much more kindness, love and compassion and fun in me to show the right person.

So, I guess I leave one more prayer tonight: I pray that God show me a sign that there is someone that’s been worth the wait and that there has been a reason why it’s never worked out with anyone else and that it’s not my fault that I passed up some pretty amazing men in my past. I pray that he just bring a man that treats me even better than I think I deserve to be treated.

And that’s all folks, for tonight.

Friendship and Money is like Oil and Water… (Quote by Mario Puzo)

Since my little minor surgery my world has been off balance. I’ve not been going out as much, not eating as much and not spending as much. I’m choosing to think of some of those things as good things. But the truth of it is I’ve not been going out as much because almost everyone wants to “go have dinner” which is where the whole not eating as much comes in. I can’t really do that yet which sucks because unless I puree a grilled chicken breast and some spinach my options are a bit limited. I’ve not been spending as much because I just spent a crap load of money on this surgery crap.

Typically, even though I want to go shoe shopping with most of my extra bonus money, I’m usually a smart cookie and invest in somewhere instead after a tiny bit of splurging. But no one really likes to talk about money, as best said by a comedian I watched last night. It’s not a fun topic and technically, unless you’re talking to “your other half” it’s really none of anyone’s business.

There is a class system that revolves around money. Money makes people crazy. It’s drives people to steal, kill or just feel generally miserable. Typically three weeks out of the month I’m fine with money but rent week especially after dropping a crap load of money on something just feels painful. Truth is, I’d be fine if I didn’t have a credit card addiction. This is something that my BFF and I learned together right when we turned 18. The sad part is that neither of us learned very well at all.

We both make a very decent living and would feel very comfortable if it wasn’t for those crafty little plastic pieces of shit. So, I’m in the process of shredding all of them, of putting myself on a budget and making sure that I’m very comfortable well before my retiring age. However, I do fault the credit card conglomerates and the marketers. While, yes, they’re good at their jobs they are not nice to consumers. As proved every time THE friend and I watch TV. After all the commercials are said and done he’s added to the grocery list almost the entire repertoire of food laced propaganda.

If you’re strong willed, have absolutely no addictive tendencies then great but I’m not that way, as explained in previous posts about my adolescence I have an addictive personality. There have been many scientific studies that show that spending money, even on the stupidest things, creates the same hormone as “falling in love”. So, instead of having love, I have shoes. That’s not a new realization that just hit me. I’m well aware and have been for some time now.

But here’s the uglier side of money. Some people don’t understand what it exactly is. I mean, there’s no correlation to what things cost. For instance, THE friend and I where driving around one night and we’d decided to go have a nice meal at a nice restaurant. That one night for about two hours cost me $330.00 and either he didn’t care that it did or didn’t realize that it did but he never really gave a crap about the meal, the company or the experience. I can, at least, take away that the company was worth if, even if he didn’t.

But that’s always been an issue between the two of us. The monetary class system of money, which we’re not allowed to talk about. I’ve said it here and to him till I’ve become blue in the face about how things are not equal and have never been. We don’t discuss money but I think we silently know where each other are with things. But yesterday he wanted to go to a movie and I didn’t have the cash to spend. It was literally painful for me to admit that I didn’t have it for a couple reasons. First, being that I’ve always felt like we’re in a relationship that relies on one of us having money and the other not. Once that goes away then his interest moves somewhere else. Two, because it just sucks to say. To my shock, he purchased the tickets and food. And now I’m awkwardly grateful.

Why did this move me to awkwardly grateful? Because, if you haven’t noticed before, our relationship is anything but normal and while he’s the only person I have this type of relationship with, I assume he’s got this with many. Also, I’ve learned that most niceties do NOT come without disclaimers or requests that come up later. This was the case. Whether that was his intent or not it still happened which makes me just question the nice things he does. That’s a sad place to be in and I don’t want to be in it however history constantly repeats itself with us.

I know that he tries his hardest to be a little bit different version of himself sometimes. A bit cleaner, a bit sweeter, a bit…. something else. And then his real self explodes and it’s someone that I fully accept but because he tries to be someone else for a moment it’s as if he’s stuck between who he thinks I want him to be and who he actually is. There’s times that I think he wants to say something to me but he doesn’t. There’s times that I think he wants to do something but he doesn’t. Sometimes he’s afraid of letting his entire self, vulnerability and all shine through because he thinks that I’ll just say, “Oh God, I’m so over you.”

The funny part there is that I have no problem with the real him when he chooses to show me. I have no problem with his situation. The only reason that I truly need to distance myself is because it breaks my heart all the time that I can see who he is truly and completely and that’s enough for me. It always has been but what I have, what I offer and who I am has never been enough for him.

I’m not sure why but writing that last line as many times as I have and every single time it makes me cry like stupid, crazy tears. And each time he does something less than stellar, like leaving the milk out on my counter, in summer it makes it ok that he doesn’t care and it solidifies it. But then he treats me to something as small as a movie, because it’s not small to him. Or he brings flowers for no reason at all which are dead now but I refuse to throw them away. Or takes my shit to goodwill for me… I realize that these are sometimes all the kindness that he can muster and those are big things, they’re huge. And some days I actually don’t care that he’s actually reviling the 13 year old sitting next to me with Facebook screen time and some days it’s the worst thing in the world.

I wish this was all easy some days but I think if it was easy we might not be friends. This is the most that I’ve ever tried with any relationship through understanding, compromise and learning. But why? What’s the attraction anymore? What’s the reason? It’s literally like I’m pushing away guys who are completely interested and have arms, hearts and minds wide open to me so that I can keep the company of someone who responds to me when he wants something, ignores me when I say I can’t and can’t literally listen to an entire story I want to share without checking his phone for a “way out of listening to me”. Am I truly that masochistic? I don’t know one person in my life that has this much tolerance and I’ve never had it with anyone else. WTF?

Here’s what I know though. I know that I need to start the next phase of my life and I know that I need to only do things that make me happy and feel appreciated and like I matter. I need to have relationships that are never questioned and that are truthful and real. I don’t need relationships that come with disclaimers, or that are just so someone else can get something from me. I need people around me that are 100% honest and that are kind and loving. While I feel blessed to have him in my life, it’s a bit pointless if having that relationship only makes me question myself, feel insecure and feel betrayed by my own karma and heart. The only thing that I’ve ever wanted truly from him is to know that I matter. Not in secret, but in the real world. That who I am matters to him and that he’s not just buying time until he needs the next thing. He has never shown me that up till this point. I know why I’m here for him but what’s the other side of that? Where’s my benefit, growth and love? It is no longer my responsibility to be all of that to someone who shows only what he thinks he needs to to get what he thinks he deserves.

This has never been about money for me. Our “thing” that we have. I know, at the end of the day that if we were just two people on an island I’d be ok with that, with nothing else. I’m not looking for the same acknowledgement but I am looking for a truthful validation of some thing that dissipate with each request of something. I don’t know why but I have managed to make myself sad and cry over all of this and that’s not ok. I’m going to go do something with someone that I don’t question their loyalty.

I hope that you are all having a blessed day and that you are all being treated with unconditional love. That will be my prayer tonight.