We are living in an era that doesn’t allow for big movie moments any longer. No grand gestures of showing up in the rain, grabbing a hold of someone’s face and kissing them as though they are the last person on this earth. While I have had my experiences of movie moments I fear that they are long gone now. People no longer have the attention span to love someone so unconditionally that they are willing to work on their faults or flaws and to show the other person that they matter. It’s a sad state of affairs.
This is just the thing that has caught the attention of my mind at this very moment. My mind has actually been reeling since last night. My friend from the northeast was on one of his long drives which is when he likes to catch up. His first question is always, “So how’s life?”. I tend to actually tell him the truth so my response was, “I’m having an allergic reaction to life right now.”
After a bit of discussion about what’s been going on we then moved on to family, friends and strangely zodiac signs after a small dabble with politics and the economic temperature. That might be why he and I get along so well. We’re both Aquariuses. We share a lot of the same thoughts and sentiments about the same things. It’s nice to debate at times but it’s also nice to be on the same page as someone who not only shares your thoughts but agrees with stances.
I suppose it was a conversation that I needed to have with someone. We’re extremely honest with each other but there is one thing that we don’t agree on. At this time in our lives we share one singular commonality with opposing beliefs. So, we had a long conversation about this one commonality and I realized that I was still fighting for someone else.
It’s not and has never been my responsibility to explain someone else’s faults and I don’t know why I still feel the need to. The worst part of it is that (and you all knew this was coming) THE friend has no idea how much I am on his side. At this point, if things haven’t changed with us, they are never going to and I understand that. However, I just wished he knew that he might never find another human who has been someone so understand that I feel it my “job” at times to never betray him. Loyalty, you’ll find, is a true rare trait that is so underrated.
I don’t assume that there will be any life altering event that will happen to him when I am no longer in his life that will make him understand just who I’ve been to him and I’ve gotten to the part in the story that I’m starting to no longer care. Yes, I care enough to write about it but no longer to discuss it.
The basic fact is I’m tired of the lies. I’m tired of the excuses. I’m tired of defending someone that doesn’t even have the smallest decency to fulfill the smallest of promises. I wish things had stayed the way they were in the beginning. We were carefree. We had fun. I didn’t know all these little stories that people divulge without me asking.
I wish I never fell for the boy who both hates himself too much and takes his poor choices out on others. I don’t really know at what point this whole thing turned but I used to blame it on falling in love. That’s never been the reason though. It was the reason I stayed and it was the reason why he might have thought he could abuse this relationship but that’s not what turned things from fun to whatever this had become. I’m not sure where this blame lies…
That is only part of the hail storm of shit that’s being dropped in my life right now but for some reason that’s what I focus on. Most of the other things I’ve chosen to adjust my feelings about. For instance, one bad thing happens and after the initial shock of it all I start to think of what was good about that. It’s a bit like when they say, “If you ask God for patience does He give you patience or does He give you situations where your patience is tested?”.
That’s true. I do believe that God gives us lessons and it’s up to us to decipher to code. I’m getting better at that and I’m learning to understand the moral of each story. However, this story, without much of a chance for any sort of happy ending, is the hardest one to decode. Yes, there’s lessons within this relationship that’s taught me things but nothings come to fruition. Yes, it’s taught me patience, understanding and kindness but what has it taught him? What’s the point of this relationship for him except to practice the ways NOT to do things with others.
I don’t give up on things very easily but I am sure that this hasn’t been easy at all. At what point is it over? At what point have I learned enough lessons to stop being hurt, lied to and used by the same person? It’s not as though I’m not aware of EVERYTHING at this point. There’s nothing that shocks me anymore and sadly it’s usually the bad stuff.
I’m sure at one point I asked God to bring me someone to love, to care for and to be kind too. It’s too bad that THE friend didn’t ask for the same things and if he did I’m sure she’s the happy one right now, not me.
As I said, things are not going extremely well right now and he’s not all to blame, however, he is not someone who should be making things worse. People are supposed to be in your life to make it better. I’m beginning to understand that the reason he could never articulate what I meant to him was that it was never that important to him, or I wasn’t. It’s hard to articulate, “Well, I’m happy that you let me do these things and that we don’t actually have to talk when we’re together and that you’re a secret.” None of those things could be said about me, from any other persons mouth, in my life.
It’s a sad state of affairs that even after all those thoughts about him I still have fight in me to prove he’s a good and kind person to everyone else or maybe I fight so hard because I’m trying to convince myself.
… And on that note, I think I’ve found the perfect quote for tonight while listening to the rain fall.