This little world of mine…

To say that the last couple weeks have been interesting is probably an understatement. There’s no way I can recount everything but I will say that this weekend was exactly what I needed. It was a no stress, no thinking, only fun type of weekend. Tonight my cheeks actually hurt from laughing about stupid childish things. I’m not afraid to say that every once in a while I really like to just do silly things. It takes the stress out of my little world.

I’ll start with the most chilling thing about the time I’ve been gone. Last week, I came home a bit later than usual and was met with police everywhere. I couldn’t get to my parking spot and asked a lady that was walking what had happened. She told me that there was a drive by… First, that was a mistake, asking someone else because then it becomes a game of telephone and things just get distorted. By the time I’d parked and gotten a full story it was about an hour later.

Apparently, a neighbor was mad at another neighbor for take his “unassigned” parking spot and he unloaded his gun at her. I do NOT live in a bad neighborhood. For the most part, my neighbors are families or older people. There’s a few bad apples but it’s in the middle of million dollar homes. That type of thing shouldn’t happen right?

Later in the evening, all of the neighbors were conversing by three of the cars that were shot up and below the apartment that looked like a scene out of Scarface. We were still picking up shell casings all over the parking lot. Disturbing right? So I was shaken up. I’m not above that. I felt like my home was tainted now. There was a sense of vulnerability that I was feeling but couldn’t really articulate.

So there’s a few bits of facts here that I’d like to convey about “timing” or “fate”. If you don’t believe those things happen just listen. First, I would have been home or coming home and driving through a storm of bullets IF I had not stayed late because THE friend had something delivered to my work. He was pulling in to drop by and pick it up as I was outside and seeing that I was visually shaken up he stayed that night. He’d also brought flowers before he ever knew anything had gone down.

There’s not one part of that that didn’t seem “fated” to me. The truth is, I’d probably have never asked him to stay because I don’t ask for things that I want or need but he could see it. He could tell that I needed that right then and there and because of him I didn’t come home earlier and possible have more of a reason to fear living here. He held absolutely no responsibility to do any of that but he did it anyway, including making me watch a comedy show so that I could take my mind off things.

That’s what I need, in a man. I need someone that will know what I need even when I don’t ask for it. I need that along with the surprises of flowers, random things and someone that can give me my space when needed. Now, throw all of that in a blender with someone that I can have an intimate relationship with, honesty and a future and that’s where my heart lies.

So, here’s the flaw in my plan above. I went out on a date this week. I can’t find another man like that. Granted, I don’t give them enough time but I can suss out a persons personality pretty quickly. I can tell by body language, social cues and tells when they lie, when they’re too self-indulged, or when they’re just generally assholes and this date was no different. Within the first 30 minutes of conversation I could tell that he’d lied about three very important things. I’m not even a fan of small lies let alone the big ones but then I just lost interest.

I encounter so many liars in my daily life and usually I’ll just let the lies go. If that person thinks they got away with it, then fine, they obviously don’t think I’m as smart as I am. Sometimes though, when it’s important to me I’ll actually bring it up. I had no desire to explain how I’d caught him in his little lies and that’s when I knew I just didn’t care. At one point, I actually just started playing with my phone which is usually what I do when I’ve given up giving a shit.

This next part is partially why I gave up social media. As I’m playing around on my phone because I don’t care anymore I’m seeing more and more bad news and it all revolves around guns. So what are my thoughts about guns? Especially after the incident that happened here? Well, here it is.

This country has a huge problem and it’s not guns. I don’t believe in taking away people’s rights to carry, own or buy guns. The majority of shootings are not done by law abiding citizens that legally own a gun. This country needs to focus on mental health issues first and foremost. There’s been two situations surrounding guns around me over the last few months and both had mental issues.

The first man had done tours in Afghanistan and was a war veteran. He chose to put his life on the line for this country and this country should have taken better care of him. This post is NOT meant to put “blame” on anyone because, yes, he had a choice to do what he did as well as the second shooter but what if someone somewhere down the road in his life had learned, or noticed, the warning signs? What if he’d gotten help?

This country was born with the right to arm it’s citizens in case of war. But having guns outwardly visible puts everyone on edge. We shouldn’t be going to war with each other. We should be trying to help each other. Anger is easy. Anger is instant gratification but anger IS NOT THE ANSWER and neither is more guns. I’m not asking for them all to be taken away but I am saying that people need to be vetted better. And no one needs 14 semi-automatic weapons.

I want my niece to grow up in a world that doesn’t make her feel scared to walk into a Walgreens. I want her to know that there is an answer to a conflict that doesn’t involve guns. I also want her to grow up in a world where money and lobbyists don’t make the rules for the people. I want her to feel safe. Safe is a fleeting word in today’s world. That world shouldn’t be a privilege but a right.

Another word that is fleeting is love and it’s being taken over by hate. Why is it so easy to hate a person, a religion, a race. Most of us are just trying to make it another day and find happiness and peace. Those two things should also be a right and not a privilege. Part of this, in my opinion, is social media. We live in a world of instant gratification. We live in a world where it’s a social norm to be strapped into a virtual reality of a world and not be in the moment. All of these things are the downfall of our society.

I want this world to be kinder, gentler and safer. Why does that all seem like such a tall order? Love who you want to love. Be who you want to be. Just don’t sacrifice others to justify and ending that might just be out of your control anyway.

I’m exhausted and the truth is that it’s not because I had a great and busy weekend but it’s reading about all the sad things in this world. I don’t want to give up on happiness just yet. I still have fight in me, a lot. Remember that tomorrow is not and has never been guaranteed.

Be kind. Stop lying. Be better. Stop hating.

Those are the words I leave you with tonight.


2 responses to “This little world of mine…

  1. Thank you for this. I so needed to hear that someone else was where I’ve been with all this stuff going on. I’ll hold out hope that your niece gets to experience the kinder, gentler world we both want for that next generation.

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