Strange things go through your mind while about to have a knife cut into you for surgical purpose, or for any purpose I suppose. For some reason from then through today my mind has been invaded by these weird confessional thoughts or maybe just some realizations about my past or present. So, it’s now time to share those wondering thoughts with all of your because, well, you all already know I’m a bit crazy.
It’s now time to pull up a chair, pour a glass of wine, turn the lights down low and…. fuck it. These will get weird. Probably.
When I was 7 my brother and I found exlax and just like kids we assumed that it was chocolate. My mother has never purchased any since that day, nor have I and I can’t blame her for that.
When I was 9 I thought that Vaseline was hair gel and before anyone else makes that mistake let me just say that it takes days of hair washing to get that shit out.
When I was 10 my brother had a friend stay over and we got along really well. I didn’t want him to leave so I thought that if I hid his shoe he’d never leave. (Kids brains are dumb at times) When he couldn’t find it his father was so angry at him. It was years later when I found out that his father was an abusive asshole and that he probably got hit for that at 12 years old. That’s the story I’ve never forgiven myself for.
My father was an alcoholic monster and my boyfriends hated him. One night, my ex peed in his gas tank. I never found out if anything happened to my dads car or not.
I’m never not in the mood 😉 There’s been times when I’m too sick to eat that I’ll still “take care of myself”… My boyfriends have never minded.
One of my biggest fantasies is having sex in the elevator of a hotel that I’m not staying at. A nice ritzy hotel.
When my BFF lived with me I was bulimic. She decided to treat me to a really fancy dinner one night but as soon as we pulled into my driveway afterward I puked everything up. That’s the day she made me get help. I still purge occasionally. No one knows that.
I racked up a large credit card bill once and took an old engagement ring to sell it thinking it was worth a few hundred dollars. It was actually worth $10,000.00. I got $8,000.00 for it and paid a lot of bills off.
My parents never cared where I was when I was younger. I would stay at friends houses when I was 14/15ish for days, weeks and they never looked for me. When my BFF moved in when she and I were both 18 they started making us “check in” at 11 every night. I was always was too fucked up so I made her do it every single night.
My “Shaman friend” has literally been right about everything so far and if that’s the case then what comes next in my life will be pretty magical, for me and for whoever gets to spend that time with me.
I still think about running away every single day. I just don’t talk about it as much these days.
When I’m really really bored I put out an ad on craigslist for men to send me their fantasies. Within hours I’ll usually get a hundred or so and most of them are so bad or boring that I wonder why I even did it.
I stopped doing my #jarchallenge because when I’d go back and read all of the post-it’s they were all about THE friend and I need to stop with all that.
Having the job I have I’m around money all the time. Lots of money but I’ve never had the desire to steal it. Even when someone drops a penny I give it back to them because I’m afraid that karma will come back ten fold.
Sometimes I think God didn’t give me the perfect body because he knew I’d be a high class escort or because he knew unless I worked my ass off for it, I’d never appreciate it. Probably the second.
Speaking of THE friend…
This whole “minor surgery thing” was not something I really told anyone about. When THE friend found out he said it bothered him that I didn’t tell him things like that. That felt good that it did but I didn’t tell him because I just assumed he’d not care. Funny how that works. And actually I wish that he’d actually articulated why it bothered him that I didn’t tell him that.
Normally, when no one is home except me, I keep the temperature around 75 but when THE friend is here I turn it down to 72 for two reasons. First, it allows me to bundle myself and my insecurities in a soft blanket that I believe to be my invisibility cloak. Second, I secretly hope that it makes him want to cuddle at some point. The latter never happens anymore.
The friend does some of the weirdest, grossest things sometimes and I wonder if he realizes that it might take a very long time for another woman to not be turned OFF by those things. Either that or I’m just terribly used to all of it by now. Yes, folks, the magic is gone… It’s left the building. There’s no trying to impress, there’s no holding back, there’s pretty much nothing left to look forward to at this point… And this is why I am moving on. Because it’s totally unfair to be that enamored by another human who feels nothing for you. Sad face.
THE friend has left his Facebook signed in on more than one occasion on my computer. When I realize that I immediately log off and delete all signs of it for two reasons. First, I very much value someone’s privacy and two because I’m terrified to find out all the other women he spends his time with that get so much more than me who’ve given him less than half of anything that I have given to him.
I probably spend 100-200 a month extra on groceries that I would never have in my house but it’s for THE friend because sometimes I think he only comes by to eat and watch TV.
There are way more weird things and secrets up in my head floating around but that’s all I can think of enough to straighten them out for human consumption. I’ve put these out so that maybe that’ll make some room in my head for other things.
Hope you’re all having a great week. P.S. I miss eating solid food.