True Confessions… Time for some telling tales.

Strange things go through your mind while about to have a knife cut into you for surgical purpose, or for any purpose I suppose. For some reason from then through today my mind has been invaded by these weird confessional thoughts or maybe just some realizations about my past or present. So, it’s now time to share those wondering thoughts with all of your because, well, you all already know I’m a bit crazy.

It’s now time to pull up a chair, pour a glass of wine, turn the lights down low and…. fuck it. These will get weird. Probably.

When I was 7 my brother and I found exlax and just like kids we assumed that it was chocolate. My mother has never purchased any since that day, nor have I and I can’t blame her for that.

When I was 9 I thought that Vaseline was hair gel and before anyone else makes that mistake let me just say that it takes days of hair washing to get that shit out.

When I was 10 my brother had a friend stay over and we got along really well. I didn’t want him to leave so I thought that if I hid his shoe he’d never leave. (Kids brains are dumb at times) When he couldn’t find it his father was so angry at him. It was years later when I found out that his father was an abusive asshole and that he probably got hit for that at 12 years old. That’s the story I’ve never forgiven myself for.

My father was an alcoholic monster and my boyfriends hated him. One night, my ex peed in his gas tank. I never found out if anything happened to my dads car or not.

I’m never not in the mood 😉 There’s been times when I’m too sick to eat that I’ll still “take care of myself”… My boyfriends have never minded.

One of my biggest fantasies is having sex in the elevator of a hotel that I’m not staying at. A nice ritzy hotel.

When my BFF lived with me I was bulimic. She decided to treat me to a really fancy dinner one night but as soon as we pulled into my driveway afterward I puked everything up. That’s the day she made me get help. I still purge occasionally. No one knows that.

I racked up a large credit card bill once and took an old engagement ring to sell it thinking it was worth a few hundred dollars. It was actually worth $10,000.00. I got $8,000.00 for it and paid a lot of bills off.

My parents never cared where I was when I was younger. I would stay at friends houses when I was 14/15ish for days, weeks and they never looked for me. When my BFF moved in when she and I were both 18 they started making us “check in” at 11 every night. I was always was too fucked up so I made her do it every single night.

My “Shaman friend” has literally been right about everything so far and if that’s the case then what comes next in my life will be pretty magical, for me and for whoever gets to spend that time with me.

I still think about running away every single day. I just don’t talk about it as much these days.

When I’m really really bored I put out an ad on craigslist for men to send me their fantasies. Within hours I’ll usually get a hundred or so and most of them are so bad or boring that I wonder why I even did it.

I stopped doing my #jarchallenge because when I’d go back and read all of the post-it’s they were all about THE friend and I need to stop with all that.

Having the job I have I’m around money all the time. Lots of money but I’ve never had the desire to steal it. Even when someone drops a penny I give it back to them because I’m afraid that karma will come back ten fold.

Sometimes I think God didn’t give me the perfect body because he knew I’d be a high class escort or because he knew unless I worked my ass off for it, I’d never appreciate it. Probably the second.

Speaking of THE friend…

This whole “minor surgery thing” was not something I really told anyone about. When THE friend found out he said it bothered him that I didn’t tell him things like that. That felt good that it did but I didn’t tell him because I just assumed he’d not care. Funny how that works. And actually I wish that he’d actually articulated why it bothered him that I didn’t tell him that.

Normally, when no one is home except me, I keep the temperature around 75 but when THE friend is here I turn it down to 72 for two reasons. First, it allows me to bundle myself and my insecurities in a soft blanket that I believe to be my invisibility cloak. Second, I secretly hope that it makes him want to cuddle at some point. The latter never happens anymore.

The friend does some of the weirdest, grossest things sometimes and I wonder if he realizes that it might take a very long time for another woman to not be turned OFF by those things. Either that or I’m just terribly used to all of it by now. Yes, folks, the magic is gone… It’s left the building. There’s no trying to impress, there’s no holding back, there’s pretty much nothing left to look forward to at this point… And this is why I am moving on. Because it’s totally unfair to be that enamored by another human who feels nothing for you. Sad face.

THE friend has left his Facebook signed in on more than one occasion on my computer. When I realize that I immediately log off and delete all signs of it for two reasons. First, I very much value someone’s privacy and two because I’m terrified to find out all the other women he spends his time with that get so much more than me who’ve given him less than half of anything that I have given to him.

I probably spend 100-200 a month extra on groceries that I would never have in my house but it’s for THE friend because sometimes I think he only comes by to eat and watch TV.

There are way more weird things and secrets up in my head floating around but that’s all I can think of enough to straighten them out for human consumption. I’ve put these out so that maybe that’ll make some room in my head for other things.

Hope you’re all having a great week. P.S. I miss eating solid food.

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SSB or Secret Single Behavior…

I’ve talked about this before but there’s things that people do when no one is around, when no one is looking. Some eat the ice cream by the pint right out of the box, some stair at their pores for hours (Sex and The City reference) but what I do I’ve actually told you all about before.

A perfect night of SSB would be no pants, hair in a headband and watching weird stuff on TV. During the summer my TV addiction is Big Brother. I never actually cared about this show but my ex that I work with wouldn’t shut up about it. So now, we watch separately then discuss what happened the next day. If I’m not watching that I’m watching some weird TV shows or movies that I wouldn’t actually admit to anyone like The Girlfriend experience or some other naughty smut 🙂

Tonight, after a bit of shopping, I found myself lounging pantless, watching Big Brother and realizing that sometimes, a few nights a week I actually like the solitude. I like the peace and quiet and I like having control over everything. Of course I could totally feel differently tomorrow but right now I’m enjoying where I am, doing what I’m doing.

One thing I bought today was this dry erase board that I hung in my bedroom to remind me to do things. Add this to the fifty other dry erase boards that have come here to die but this one is different. It’s going to remind me of things that help or will help in the future and double as a vision board. Who knows if I’ll actually keep up on it but worst case scenario then I’ll just write cute little notes to myself or something on it.

You see, I have all these creative ideas then they end up falling flat because I either (A.D.D.) lose interest in them, something shiny passes by or I just don’t “feel it” by the time I think about it. That’s probably the worst part of having a bunch of acronymed ‘things’.

Now, of course, all these things are really just meant to take my mind off work, or relationships or other shit. They all work for a little while but then something will remind me of something and I’ll end up thinking about what I shouldn’t be.

This is probably the reason that I don’t like guys to leave stuff at my place. I don’t like to be reminded of a feelings or a moment. For instance, I keep looking at the flowers that THE friend gave me, then my mind starts to think about things that I shouldn’t be thinking about so I have to mentally slap myself back into reality. Or I’ll hear or read something on the news that either made me sad or depressed me then I have to watch something that will at least take my mind off things for that moment.

None of this is a fool proof plan but it’s what I have to do. Writing about things here help get them out of my head for the moment but then when I go back and read stuff I just keep thinking, “Damn, so maybe you don’t write about that or him so much. Maybe that will help.” So, that’s what I’ve been trying to do for my “July challenge” is to not dwell on things so much, to take all things at face-value and to just move on. I can’t tell you if it’s actually working or not but it’s my plan of attack right now. If anyone knows a better way please let me in on your secret!

So there’s a few moments left in my night before I sleep and I am actually going to follow my own advice and do what I’ve written for myself to do. This should help, at least until I fall asleep and start having weird dreams. Such is my life…

Style: "Neutral"

Style: “Neutral”

Today is another stressful one…

From the moment I woke up slowly and got ready even slower I knew that today would be one of those days that would drag on. On those days there’s not a whole lot that can be done. When I did have a bit of down time I looked for another place to live.

I searched through townhomes, duplexes and small homes because, lets face it, there’s only one of me and I don’t need a lot of room. Then on a whim I started to look in other areas, then out of town, then other states. The appeal of staying here is less and less each day. Yes, granted, life is stressing me out right now and most of that has to do with work but I don’t really have anything to look forward to right now.

I don’t have any big plans, great relationships or surprises on the horizon. So maybe it is a time for new scenery? You know, one of these days I’m going to say that then actually do it. Once I stopped the “wishful thinking” about a relationship that was never going to happen it turns out that it just makes me focus on how completely stagnant I’ve become. Turns out that NOT thinking about “him” or the L word actually frees up a lot of time which now I don’t know what to do with myself.

I find myself looking up classes I can take, cooking, dancing, fitness or books I can read… I mean has anyone actually made it through War and Peace? When I’m in a decent dating relationship I don’t actually think about changing up my scenery so much. Maybe that’s what I need. The last time that I had a decent night out, with a decent guy that ended with a decent kiss was way too long ago.

I ended up blocking the mechanics number because he was just getting annoying which sucks because he’s a great mechanic. The ex is so far gone it’s unbelievable. Apparently it’s never a good thing to reply to “But I love you” with “Thank you”. Look, I’d say it in return when I truly meant it… Why actually say it if you don’t but I do long to hear those words, unlike before when they’d just freak me out.

You know what I really miss though? I miss a great date night, followed by a great night of sex, followed by breakfast in bed. I don’t even need fancy. I could do a drive-in movie, a cheap meal and pancakes… I’m not that picky.

My out-of-state friend even tried to set me up with a friend of his the other day after we’d been talking for a while. Apparently all these people around me have all these great men they want to set me up with right now but trust me when I say looking good on paper is usually never the case in real life. I will just continue to put my thoughts and energy into my amethyst and whoever comes along… Well, we’ll just have to see.

Those are my dating, fleeting, rambling thoughts tonight while I’m still in pain and already looking forward to Friday. Hope you’re all having a great week.

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Taking my mind off things…

For days now I’ve been attempting to take my mind off what’s going on outside my bubble. My tiny little home bubble. Dates didn’t work, working out only worked while I was doing it, movies barely. So the last couple days I’ve been diving into cleaning and organizing and fixing shit.

This little endeavor which actually seemed a lot less a few days ago probably started from me pinning something on some site that made me think “Oh, that should be fun”. That actually led me to dump all my clothes out on the floor and start going through all of them again to donate. Then, because I have OCD and ADD and I’m sure a bunch of other acronymed crap, makes me move on to a thousand different things at once.

But anyway, the point is I’m actively looking for something to de-stress, de-clutter and blur my mind for a moment or two. One other thing that I started to do is to make Christmas lists for people I’m buying for. I know this seems a bit too early but I’ve a giver… I like to give good gifts. One of my ideas this year is to bundle so stuff from the year they were born like movie, record, candy, magazine and book. Sounds almost cool right? Well it was until I got to my niece. I searched for the most popular book from 2012 and came up with (drum roll please) Fifty Shades of Grey. I’m not giving my niece that book. It’s bad enough that I’ll have to admit to her one day that I actually read that diatribe of crap.

But it’s still a fun process of looking for the best thing to give each person. I’ve said this before but in my family, that’s how we either show we care OR we show the other person just how much we don’t know about them by buying them the most horrible stuff. Moving on though…

So even at work I was tired of getting all these news stories that were depressing and Taylor Swift’s life is not anywhere near breaking news to me so I came home at lunch, changed into my workout clothes and went back to work to move a bunch of heavy shit around that wasn’t even my job but I was tired of seeing chaos all around me. It’s typically human nature to try to fix things that are broken or chaotic around you, or at least it is with me. I just want to fix shit, people, things… What ever is around.

I’m also trying to take my mind of a mini-little surgery I’m having on Friday. I have a shard of bone, from a previous injury (long sad story) that is stabbing my nerve in my mouth… All that sounds awesome right? So I’m going in Friday afternoon to have this done. Now, a normal person would probably ask someone for help. They’d probably say, “Hey I need you to pick me up and take me home and just randomly check to make sure I haven’t swallowed my tongue or something but who ever said I was normal? Why is it so freaking hard for me to ask for help?

The only people that know I’m doing this is my BFF because she’s my beneficiary in case anything happens and my boss because he’d wonder where I was if he ever showed up. Sometimes I wish I could just be more girly, not that that is a girly thing but that is the main reason why I need a man that will force me to take care of myself or he will for me. I need someone who will always look out for my best interests because apparently I have a hard time doing that for myself. I have no problem doing that in return but it’s the whole, “asking for help” thing.

Blah, broken record anyway. By the time the “one” I’m supposed to be with shows up I’ll be too tired for him anyway. I’d probably say “Seriously, it’s taken you this long to find me? Lets just have sex and then you can go”. Come on now, I still know what’s most important 🙂

So apparently all I have on my mind is cleaning, organizing and sex now. But instead of cleaning up my bedroom, that I’ve trashed, for some fun, I’ll be cleaning it up so I don’t trip on anything in my post-surgery coma I plan to be in. But you know me, my weekends never go as planned. We shall see. I really just want something completely unexpectedly awesome to happen because now I feel like I’m just cheating all of you with boring thoughts lately… I wish I had fireworks.

That’s all folks…

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This little world of mine…

To say that the last couple weeks have been interesting is probably an understatement. There’s no way I can recount everything but I will say that this weekend was exactly what I needed. It was a no stress, no thinking, only fun type of weekend. Tonight my cheeks actually hurt from laughing about stupid childish things. I’m not afraid to say that every once in a while I really like to just do silly things. It takes the stress out of my little world.

I’ll start with the most chilling thing about the time I’ve been gone. Last week, I came home a bit later than usual and was met with police everywhere. I couldn’t get to my parking spot and asked a lady that was walking what had happened. She told me that there was a drive by… First, that was a mistake, asking someone else because then it becomes a game of telephone and things just get distorted. By the time I’d parked and gotten a full story it was about an hour later.

Apparently, a neighbor was mad at another neighbor for take his “unassigned” parking spot and he unloaded his gun at her. I do NOT live in a bad neighborhood. For the most part, my neighbors are families or older people. There’s a few bad apples but it’s in the middle of million dollar homes. That type of thing shouldn’t happen right?

Later in the evening, all of the neighbors were conversing by three of the cars that were shot up and below the apartment that looked like a scene out of Scarface. We were still picking up shell casings all over the parking lot. Disturbing right? So I was shaken up. I’m not above that. I felt like my home was tainted now. There was a sense of vulnerability that I was feeling but couldn’t really articulate.

So there’s a few bits of facts here that I’d like to convey about “timing” or “fate”. If you don’t believe those things happen just listen. First, I would have been home or coming home and driving through a storm of bullets IF I had not stayed late because THE friend had something delivered to my work. He was pulling in to drop by and pick it up as I was outside and seeing that I was visually shaken up he stayed that night. He’d also brought flowers before he ever knew anything had gone down.

There’s not one part of that that didn’t seem “fated” to me. The truth is, I’d probably have never asked him to stay because I don’t ask for things that I want or need but he could see it. He could tell that I needed that right then and there and because of him I didn’t come home earlier and possible have more of a reason to fear living here. He held absolutely no responsibility to do any of that but he did it anyway, including making me watch a comedy show so that I could take my mind off things.

That’s what I need, in a man. I need someone that will know what I need even when I don’t ask for it. I need that along with the surprises of flowers, random things and someone that can give me my space when needed. Now, throw all of that in a blender with someone that I can have an intimate relationship with, honesty and a future and that’s where my heart lies.

So, here’s the flaw in my plan above. I went out on a date this week. I can’t find another man like that. Granted, I don’t give them enough time but I can suss out a persons personality pretty quickly. I can tell by body language, social cues and tells when they lie, when they’re too self-indulged, or when they’re just generally assholes and this date was no different. Within the first 30 minutes of conversation I could tell that he’d lied about three very important things. I’m not even a fan of small lies let alone the big ones but then I just lost interest.

I encounter so many liars in my daily life and usually I’ll just let the lies go. If that person thinks they got away with it, then fine, they obviously don’t think I’m as smart as I am. Sometimes though, when it’s important to me I’ll actually bring it up. I had no desire to explain how I’d caught him in his little lies and that’s when I knew I just didn’t care. At one point, I actually just started playing with my phone which is usually what I do when I’ve given up giving a shit.

This next part is partially why I gave up social media. As I’m playing around on my phone because I don’t care anymore I’m seeing more and more bad news and it all revolves around guns. So what are my thoughts about guns? Especially after the incident that happened here? Well, here it is.

This country has a huge problem and it’s not guns. I don’t believe in taking away people’s rights to carry, own or buy guns. The majority of shootings are not done by law abiding citizens that legally own a gun. This country needs to focus on mental health issues first and foremost. There’s been two situations surrounding guns around me over the last few months and both had mental issues.

The first man had done tours in Afghanistan and was a war veteran. He chose to put his life on the line for this country and this country should have taken better care of him. This post is NOT meant to put “blame” on anyone because, yes, he had a choice to do what he did as well as the second shooter but what if someone somewhere down the road in his life had learned, or noticed, the warning signs? What if he’d gotten help?

This country was born with the right to arm it’s citizens in case of war. But having guns outwardly visible puts everyone on edge. We shouldn’t be going to war with each other. We should be trying to help each other. Anger is easy. Anger is instant gratification but anger IS NOT THE ANSWER and neither is more guns. I’m not asking for them all to be taken away but I am saying that people need to be vetted better. And no one needs 14 semi-automatic weapons.

I want my niece to grow up in a world that doesn’t make her feel scared to walk into a Walgreens. I want her to know that there is an answer to a conflict that doesn’t involve guns. I also want her to grow up in a world where money and lobbyists don’t make the rules for the people. I want her to feel safe. Safe is a fleeting word in today’s world. That world shouldn’t be a privilege but a right.

Another word that is fleeting is love and it’s being taken over by hate. Why is it so easy to hate a person, a religion, a race. Most of us are just trying to make it another day and find happiness and peace. Those two things should also be a right and not a privilege. Part of this, in my opinion, is social media. We live in a world of instant gratification. We live in a world where it’s a social norm to be strapped into a virtual reality of a world and not be in the moment. All of these things are the downfall of our society.

I want this world to be kinder, gentler and safer. Why does that all seem like such a tall order? Love who you want to love. Be who you want to be. Just don’t sacrifice others to justify and ending that might just be out of your control anyway.

I’m exhausted and the truth is that it’s not because I had a great and busy weekend but it’s reading about all the sad things in this world. I don’t want to give up on happiness just yet. I still have fight in me, a lot. Remember that tomorrow is not and has never been guaranteed.

Be kind. Stop lying. Be better. Stop hating.

Those are the words I leave you with tonight.

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There are two kinds of women in this world…

So this whole new world order at work isn’t really working out for anyone except my boss right now. He seems to be the one taking all the vacations, time off and coming in late. The remaining two of us, myself and my ex, that still work there are about to form a cou d’eta. But that all has me stressed out.

When I get this stressed I like to confide in my shaman friend (the psychic) because she always has wise words for me and we are friends plus it’s fun to play with her daughters. The last time we saw each other she’d asked how my love life was going. That’s her code for asking about “someone” not really my whole love life. I just kind of gave her a run down of the interested parties, which didn’t include the one she wanted it to. I think she was a bit sad. Not my fault HE’S not interested.

But as I was explaining about the few guys that were, I’d told her about the mechanic. She asked if he was a potential and so I let her read his texts. They basically started off nice but toward the end he was basically asking if I wanted to be FWB’s (friends with benefits). You see, a while back now (and I think I deleted it) but I’d written a post about how I came to have the name of this blog. Since it was either way too long ago or I deleted then I’ll tell the story again…

When I was young, like 12-14ish my parents owned video stores and in those stores they had regular blockbuster movies but they also had these tiny rooms in the back for the non-Disney lovers… Yes, I mean porn. All that was freely available in my home growing up. My parents never had “the talk” with my brother or I (Thank God!) about the birds and the bees but there was more than enough wrong education there anyway. Among these were some very close to X rated movies, basically called “soft-core” porn and I started to watch Red Shoe Diaries which made me interested in the director Zalman King which led me to Wild Orchid. This finally led me to Wild Orchid 2.

I will say this, I’ve watched that same movie recently and it will probably NEVER be as great as the first time but it stuck with me. The main star was this girl named Blue who was a whore. She’s sitting in the living room with a bunch of other women, also in the same profession, and one of them says, “There’s girls you marry and girls you fuck… Never the two shall meet”. Because of situations that I was put in I’d never felt like the girl you marry. I’d always felt the other. It wasn’t a pleasant place to find yourself in. Especially since it’s so far from the truth about me.

While I’ve dated a lot of men, the list of sexual partners is so much less than you could imagine. It bothered me for a long time when I’d meet a guy and all he wanted was sex or he was super nice until he’d realize that I wasn’t about to sleep with him. Most times we’d just turn into friends but it was always in the back of my mind. I even think for a while, in my 20’s I’d just resorted to feel as though I wouldn’t be the one thought of as a wife… Until I was. Then it kept happening and something in me realized that, “Hell yeah! I am good at this if I wanted to be”. Obviously the problem with that is that I never wanted to be wife material to the ones that wanted that.

But moving on back to my friend. When she was done reading the texts she’d said, “Okay, so I need you to do an exercise for me. I need you to write out on a sheet of paper the things you want in a husband or the traits you want to see in someone you’re dating”. Diligently, Friday night, I came late and decided I was in the right frame of mind to write this list. Of course you get to read it and here it is…

Kind, loving, strong yet vulnerable, fun, pampering, caring, religious, honest, looks out for me, asks me how my day was, is generous with words and emotions, spontaneous, thoughtful, passionate, likes to cuddle, is a good hugger and kisser, leaves sweet notes, takes care of me, sings, dances, notices the small things, surprises me, cries in front of me, tells me things that he’s not told anyone, someone who is straight-forward with their thoughts and feelings, shares his day freely, respectful, compassionate, likes music, imperfect, grateful… a beautiful soul.

No where in there was rich, handsome or perfect. I don’t need someone to financially take care of me, I’ve been doing that my whole life. I need someone to look out for my best interests. I want someone who will notice the little things that I do without me having to point them out. That list was actually a whole lot bigger than that but those are the important things.

I then gave her my list later in the weekend and she did some sort of prayer and blessing with an amethyst that she gave me and it’s supposed to bring this person to me, or in my life or something like that. What happened after that though was something unexpected. I finally just gave in to it all. I relaxed and I ended up having a nice weekend AND let loose a bit and became more… myself. I wasn’t this freakishly wound up girl who has all these expectations and it’s as if I really didn’t care anymore. Not that I didn’t “CARE” but more that I was just in the moment and not waiting for a moment to happen.

I get that all sounds strange but I really did just let go. It was a cathartic experience and one that I hope carries on. I just don’t want to be waiting for something to come along, something better, something more than what that exact moment has to offer. Because of all that I really did have a good weekend. If iPhones could capture a moment and not picture then I’d keep that feeling for future reference. But since it doesn’t I have a memory and a few photos that I will use to commemorate the better way of doing things right now. I can be happy with that and if a man chooses to show up, when I least expect it, and marks off most of those items then I’ll be happy and grateful to my shaman friend, or the universe.

So, my lesson for you today is to put your phones down, stop what you’re doing and appreciate the moment that you’re in right now. Appreciate the people that are in that moment with you. Just, pay attention to your life. It’s happening right now, right here, right in front of you.

I hope you all had a nice weekend as well. Enjoy your moments. To commemorate my weekend moments I leave one of my favorite things… Fireworks. I might not have had any fireworks lately but I will rejoice when the sparks fly.

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