My mind has not been on writing for a while and it’s kind of rare. There’s been a few things that have happened since the last emotional download. First, THE friend has been at my home for a week and a half. I am happy to have his there. I like being able to come home and there being another body there; however, it’s made me realize a lot.
Let me backtrack a bit. Last Tuesday I’d woken up to a text from my old mechanic. I’ve not seen him in a long time and he sent some messages about “hey where ya been?” “I miss ya”. He never knew me that well but we had a great vibe. The texting went on and he’d asked me out. He’s not my type and I told him that I wasn’t interested.
The day after that, I’d seen someone that I worked with and he’d asked me out. He said he’d remember that we’d always had fun and wanted to “recreate” that momentum. Fast forward a few days and I go out, Friday night, with some friends. We went to a shitty dive bar and while it’s not actually hard to get hit on with drunk men at that place it was ego boosting. By the time that I got home, a bit drunk and saw THE friend there I realized that this is all there will be, with him.
I have options, a lot. This isn’t because I look like a super model because I don’t. It’s not because I have tons of money because I don’t. It’s not because I have a great car, big house or other tangible items because I don’t. This is all because people, men, actually like my personality and find it fun to be around me. This is something that I’d forgotten, I guess.
I realized that of all the things I WAS willing to do for THE friend, there would never be an equality to our relationship. He would NEVER appreciate the human that I am and he will never fully appreciate the things I have done, or would do for him. I realized early on that it really has never mattered which warm body he’s sitting next to. I literally could have “Freaky Friday’ed” myself with anyone and he would never have realized it wasn’t me any longer.
Then, I thought about the person he makes me become when I’m with him. I become passive-aggressive because being assertive doesn’t make a difference. I say things that I’d normally never say because he literally hurts my feelings all the time. That last sentence sounds like such an elementary thing to say. But it doesn’t make it any less true.
These last few months have been an eye-opening experience. I’ve been so afraid of saying things that might hurt him, or saying the truth because I’ve been so afraid of him leaving and I never see him again. The difference now is that I don’t “have” him. He’s never truly with me when he’s even actually WITH me. He becomes complacent about me, my home and everything. That is not ok.
For whatever reason that he has actually been at my home for the last week and a half it’s never been about me. That is plainly clear. In fact, it was almost apparent that when I actually did come home there was this err of almost disappointment on his face, like “Oh shit. Now I have to try to interact? Fuck!”. It was hurtful to begin with but then I just tried to ignore it knowing that there was obviously a reason that he was there which had nothing to do with me. Maybe he was escaping something, maybe he didn’t have something at his home or maybe he just wanted to “be” somewhere else.
My need for articulation has gone. My need to make him realize that I’m awesome has gone. My need for anything is gone. There was a point where I WOULD have done anything he needed but it’s no longer a position that I care to be in because I realize that whatever action, favor or emotion that I freely gave to him, doesn’t change a thing.
I think that I looked at this last week and a half as an “old married couple” experience which it did seem for a while but what I liked about it was I felt coupled when I realistically should have just felt “roommated”.
My heart or my emotions are no longer in control. The only thing that I’m listening to is my mind and my gut which both tell me that every single bit of awesomeness that I have will never be appreciated by him what-so-ever. It will never matter to him who I really am. He’ll never greet me warmly when I walk through the door. He’ll never say “bless you” when I sneeze. He’ll never treat my home, my belongings or myself as I deserve.
These realizations have probably come way too late. I’ve spent a long time wondering, “Why am I not good enough”. When this entire time I should have only been wondering, “What’s next? I’m ready!” Because of emotions that I felt for him it’s gotten me to a place where I am ready, happy and excited for my next relationship. I’ll never be sad that happened. I am grateful for the experience.
So, I wore my heart on my sleeve around him. I don’t even wish that one day he’ll figure out just what he had in me. I don’t wish that he regret not “trying” with me. I literally don’t think, or wish anything about “us” or our “ship” any longer. I am already preparing to go home tonight to a messy, empty house and I’ll start to pick up the pieces he’s left behind little by little and I won’t even be mad at the numerous little signs of disrespect that he’ll have no doubt left all around my home.
I know that he might never find a strong enough female that will love him completely, accept ALL his faults and flaws and still want to come home to him every single night like I would have. I will pray for him to find that person though, as I would hope he’s done for me or will do. But in my life, complacency is no longer an option.
This is a new era my friends. I finally don’t care. That is truly a good thing. I promise. He will always have access to my life and my home but no longer my heart. You treat something poorly for long enough you lose it. I hope that’s a lesson to everyone.