I’ve felt no urgency to write for a few days except when my emotions had gotten the best of me. I am human and therefore am prone to mistakes and flaws. Some days I’d say my one true flaw was falling in love with a boy that couldn’t love himself. On those days I’ve assumed that my love was enough to mend him and me. On most any day I could go through and choose 10,000 things that are wrong with us. But as long as there’s one thing that’s right, then it works for me.
I feel like we are a diluted idea of what we could be. We’ve settled into an old married couple sort of relationship which is no wonder why we’re in a rut. I get so emotional at the fact that I can’t see his true emotions. In the same breath though, I realize that mine are mostly covered as well. I suppose this is done for self preservation.
I noticed yesterday that during the day, while at work, I can be the most hardcore bitch and stand my ground and fight for things that I believe in. While these things are not really important in the actual grand picture it’s just who I’ve been. I’ve also been like that in relationships with the vast majority of them failing for me to actually give a fuck. It was always me who was non-caring or mentally or emotionally absent. That’s just the way things were.
I suppose a true sense of maturity or at least of some-what grown up behavior is realizing these things and attempting to be better than them. So, looking back, it shouldn’t be so difficult to better my relationships. However, that might not be the case.
Sitting next to him the other night and feeling like an invisible piece of dust on a shelf made me become passive, quiet and emotional. I found myself doing an emotional check, “How do you feel – invisible, unimportant, forgotten”. “Why do you feel like that – because everyone else in his world seems to be more important to talk to or to joke with.” “Have you brought this issue up – yes, many times”. “Is it possible to change – at this point no.”
So, options became this, 1. Tell him it’s not ok, again. 2. Tell him that if he can’t focus on something other than some social media crap for 90 minutes then maybe he shouldn’t be here. 3. Have a huge blow up fight about things where you both might say things that you can’t take back. 4. Go to your room, shut the door and just let him do whatever he wants to do since he isn’t swayed by my presence in any way, shape or form.
I chose the latter. I felt as though I was a prisoner in my own home. Option 1 had already been done. Option 2 scared the crap out of me because it’s his home now too. That’s unfair. Option 3 is never an option for me. I choose to NOT say all the things that just happen to pop into my head out of respect. Option 4… Just seemed the best.
I woke up yesterday and was still angry but sad in the same breath. I was angry because nothing had been resolved and because I knew it wouldn’t be. I was angry that it wouldn’t matter anyway to him what I thought, felt or cared about. I was sad because everything seems like such a finality… He won’t change, this won’t change, I won’t change… Oh wait, but I have.
Carrying on with my day I just knew he’d have been gone from the home when I got there because if, at the very least, he might have just felt uncomfortable. After work I knew that I needed some sort of distraction because no matter how we are in that moment it was always better than an empty apartment. But hours later, I pull in to find his car there and with a slight sigh of relief even though the mood would be unknown at that moment, I walk inside.
The place was dark, blankets and pillows around but no body was entangled in them. I walked to my room to see his blanketed bundled self asleep with absolutely no idea that it was 12 hours after the first slam of the front door in the morning. But instead of being angry or upset I was scared. It scared the shit out of me to know that he was probably in a depressive-sleep coma. My instant reaction was to walk over, sit on the side of the bed and lightly touch his arm, or to hug him, or to just crawl into bed and put my forehead on his and ask him what’s wrong.
I would have put a few of my biggest fears aside. I would have faced the possibility that he would have rejected my care or concern. I would have ignored the possibility that another woman had made him upset. I would have discontinued my anger for his actions the day before to just sit with him and let him talk, cry or just be silent. It didn’t matter.
Then it just became clear… We can’t keep doing this circle. I treat him as though he’s the most important man in my life, which on most days, he is. But that position should actually be reserved for someone who is entirely with me out of choice and NOT out of necessity or lack of options. I would sacrifice things for him that he would never consider sacrificing for me. I would do anything to ensure that he’s ok.
I let the fact that HE doesn’t want to be with me set the tone for way too many things. Knowing that there’s men that actually want to date, marry or just be in my company voluntarily, is actually started to penetrate my insanely hard head. The fact that he can’t even try is finally starting to sting a little less each day as I try to move on.
The truth is that I will, most likely, never be with someone that makes me feel the way he does, without even trying, but then again I realize that the better the good the worst the bad. We seem to be running out of the good lately and it has nothing to do with what he might think it does. I realize that he thinks of himself in such the worst way, using words that I would never describe his as but what I see is completely different. I see a MAN, that has the capacity to love more and to be what, at least, one woman wants entirely but in the same breath she’d (I’d) help him be better every day. The only thing that I’d want in return is to know some truthful, honest, great emotions. I need that articulation. I need to know why… I need to know that it’s not all for nothing.
I am not immune to true emotions and right now they are truly lacking.
… and that is how I’m feeling right now.