She left one who was essentially oblivious to anything outside his wifi’ed world to reply to another that only wanted her in his whole world.
But at that very moment, what did she want? She wanted the one that didn’t exist. She wanted the one who looked and felt like the one she was with but had the emotions for her as the one that wanted her to be his world.
Things are shifting in a direction that things were never supposed to go.
She wondered how it was possibly that she felt more alone in the presence of the one she loved than when she was actually alone.
She wonders why just the thought of leaving him brings salted tears to her cold eyes.
There is nothing more to do here but to run. In to the arms of another? Or just away from it all. There’s literally nothing left.
She tries to grasp at memories from the beginning of all this but his occasional verbal outbursts bring her to the now and she’s reminded that it really doesn’t matter to him who the warm body is next to him.
This has become a sick and twisted version of her self abuse. Is this what it’s like to be an emotional cutter?
She has a humorous thought and wondered how long it would take to notice if she’d just replaced herself with someone else. Anyone else. Would he notice? Ever?
He calls this state passive aggressive but what he doesn’t know is that this silence is the only way to stop from crying. It’s her trying to grab ahold of what she thought they used to be.
The music in the background, the smell of what would have been a nice dinner, the sense that this night could have gone totally different if he knew how to live in the moment and not attached to a world of others that aren’t there right now.
She screams, in her head, “I AM RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!” But he has made for certain that that promise will not end in forever.
It’s painfully obvious that she needs to be done. So. Very. Done.
She never asked him to reinvent the wheel, to do something he couldn’t do or to be someone he wasn’t.
She just wanted him to see her, right then. To be acknowledged for being her. She had to know in that very moment that it was her smile, her eyes, her being that he actually wanted to be around and not her surroundings.
It seems like the smallest thing in the world. It seems like something that should have never been taken for granted.
She realizes that she’ll never get that because he’ll never understand. Because he’s never tried to understand. Because he’s never actually seen her.
Full moons are supposed to be great and tonight’s is supposed to be even better than that. But it’s hard to see the moon through tears.
The more she loves him the more she realizes she’s not broken but he might be more than she ever thought.
I wonder if he’d care that it was so easy for someone else to see everything she has that’s great and to want all that. I wonder if he’ll ever have appreciated it.