Making myself better challenge… Day 30 (Tuesday)

1. Good thing about today – Having completed a 30 days challenge.

2. Spending – Nothing.

3. Exercise – Yes a collective 45 minutes at lunch

4. Eating health – Yes, even with dinner out.

5. Routine – Yes.

I sit here, close to midnight and re-evaluate my day. It was good but strange. A lot happened at work which is great, had a great dinner and lastly, THE friend was still here which is always nice.

Work has put me in a position that I’ve always been in just with a title and money now. It’s great to finally be recognized for the hard work that I’ve put in from the owners not just the clients. Don’t get me wrong though all the freebies they give me are great but sometimes words AND actions need to appropriately show just how much you’re meant to a cause, or whatever else means a lot to you.

Dinner was the usual spot and again, was paid for. It was fun but the entire day my ex has been crazy about meeting up. Boys maybe you can answer this… If a girl tells you that she doesn’t want to date you but you continually ask her what’s the purpose of this? It’s been such a long time that my mind is not going to change. I suppose, unless it does.

Which now brings me to THE friend. He came over late again Sunday which bothered me but I didn’t say anything since I had the day off the next day. He cooked in his adorable meticulous way and then he did something that was shocking to me. He went out of his way and got me a gift. Seriously one of the best gifts ever and the only one he’s ever given me. Then Monday morning arrived and he was cooking a great brunch. Again, with the meticulousness that I’ve become accustomed to. It was great.

There were these few moments that we’d share a laugh or smile or something stupid that I just keep getting reminded that there’s a reason that I fell for HIM. It’s the comfort of being able to not wear any makeup and still be comfortable. It’s the gift that I’m aware of his flaws and love him even more. It’s the realization that NO man has ever made me feel as safe, comforted, joyful at the smallest things AND be willing to do anything for him. That’s a lot of power for anyone to have which is why those thoughts are just between you and me.

Tonight was strange though. It was more of a roommate situation. He’d spent the day cleaning my bathroom to my surprise which is awesome but he harps so much on the negative things sometimes and it tends to take away from the awesomeness that he’s done. It’s the whole, beating a dead dog analogy. It makes me feel so small but inside there’s a huge voice that’s screaming, “I get it! I’m not perfect. I never thought I was! I don’t harp on your flaws!”

If that was an outward cry it would probably be followed by him saying, “I’m not being mean I’m being honest.” The difference between us is when I see his flaws shinning through, like being compulsively late, I’ve researched enough to know that that’s his personality and I try to adapt to him. When he sees my flaws he can’t just adapt he’s got to poke and poke until I want to roll up into the tiniest ball and become invisible. So the compromises are not half way. They are not equal. YET.

I try NOT to tell these things cloud the goodness he has in his heart. But it makes me wonder. He does have flaws and faults and some of them are things that others, women won’t be able to see past. It makes me wonder if he’ll ever actually realize what a great woman that he has here that has fallen in love with him and after all this time hasn’t ever fallen out. He has such paralyzing self-double and insecurities that I not sure that he ever will see what I have to offer but it doesn’t matter. As I said earlier, I am in the perfect ‘coupled relationship’ with someone who doesn’t want the intimacy which is what I crave the most.

Things would be so different if my emotions never came into play. We wouldn’t have made it this far at all. But I continually accept the person that he is NOT the person that he MIGHT be one day. Because of what he wishes probably never happened, because of this love we HAVE made it this far and I am terrified that I’ll never meet someone that can make me feel all the things that he does without even trying. But I know that I have to try.

My friend who’s a Shaman and I spoke the other day. We haven’t spoken in a long time and she had some strange things to say. A lot of it had to do with him. This is the whole reason why I stopped speaking to her for so long. Because she give this unsolicited advice about him and me and how our paths were linked as more than friends and how things in BOTH our lives would change for the better. If I didn’t mention this before she’s also a psychic. She’s foretold a future that I do want with him but I always told her it’s not what I wanted to hear. I never wanted to be reminded of what so many others had foretold but knowing the realization was that he just didn’t have those feelings.

I don’t really know what his feelings actually are. I feel like it’s turned into some sort of roommate situation where he might as well assume I’m a guy at this point. If that’s what this is then we may need to redefine things. I don’t want a man who is just a friend that seems me as some nonsexual thing that I have feelings for. It’s not fair.

Fairness is an underrated thing. I believe in total equality. I believe that things do happen for a reason and I believe that along with paralyzing self-doubt comes a barrier that no one can possibly knock down. On the same token, I’m not sure that he’d actually have the courage to “make a move” at this point because I don’t show many emotions anyway. Nothing is worse than rejection, for a guy. But I assume he’s smart enough to know that there would be no rejection. Sometimes it really feels like we are both still in an elementary state of emotions with each other.

All I ask for, at this point, is his continued efforts in trying to make this equal. To be thankful and appreciative of the things I do. To be aware that my heart is on my sleeve each and every single time I’m around him and that I would willingly give him the world if he’d asked for it but don’t use that as a weapon. Some days we make all the sense in the world. On the other days I just try to hid the tears that are welling up in my eyes while they’re trying NOT to see us where I want us to be.

Now that that is out of my head I am working on my June challenge. I will start that tomorrow. Thanks for being around for the May challenge and I hope you’ll try one with me soon.

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