Time is fleeting… As well as other things.

My mind has not been on writing for a while and it’s kind of rare. There’s been a few things that have happened since the last emotional download. First, THE friend has been at my home for a week and a half. I am happy to have his there. I like being able to come home and there being another body there; however, it’s made me realize a lot.

Let me backtrack a bit. Last Tuesday I’d woken up to a text from my old mechanic. I’ve not seen him in a long time and he sent some messages about “hey where ya been?” “I miss ya”. He never knew me that well but we had a great vibe. The texting went on and he’d asked me out.  He’s not my type and I told him that I wasn’t interested.

The day after that, I’d seen someone that I worked with and he’d asked me out. He said he’d remember that we’d always had fun and wanted to “recreate” that momentum. Fast forward a few days and I go out, Friday night, with some friends. We went to a shitty dive bar and while it’s not actually hard to get hit on with drunk men at that place it was ego boosting. By the time that I got home, a bit drunk and saw THE friend there I realized that this is all there will be, with him.

I have options, a lot. This isn’t because I look like a super model because I don’t. It’s not because I have tons of money because I don’t. It’s not because I have a great car, big house or other tangible items because I don’t. This is all because people, men, actually like my personality and find it fun to be around me. This is something that I’d forgotten, I guess.

I realized that of all the things I WAS willing to do for THE friend, there would never be an equality to our relationship. He would NEVER appreciate the human that I am and he will never fully appreciate the things I have done, or would do for him. I realized early on that it really has never mattered which warm body he’s sitting next to. I literally could have “Freaky Friday’ed” myself with anyone and he would never have realized it wasn’t me any longer.

Then, I thought about the person he makes me become when I’m with him. I become passive-aggressive because being assertive doesn’t make a difference. I say things that I’d normally never say because he literally hurts my feelings all the time. That last sentence sounds like such an elementary thing to say. But it doesn’t make it any less true.

These last few months have been an eye-opening experience. I’ve been so afraid of saying things that might hurt him, or saying the truth because I’ve been so afraid of him leaving and I never see him again. The difference now is that I don’t “have” him. He’s never truly with me when he’s even actually WITH me. He becomes complacent about me, my home and everything. That is not ok.

For whatever reason that he has actually been at my home for the last week and a half it’s never been about me. That is plainly clear. In fact, it was almost apparent that when I actually did come home there was this err of almost disappointment on his face, like “Oh shit. Now I have to try to interact? Fuck!”. It was hurtful to begin with but then I just tried to ignore it knowing that there was obviously a reason that he was there which had nothing to do with me. Maybe he was escaping something, maybe he didn’t have something at his home or maybe he just wanted to “be” somewhere else.

My need for articulation has gone. My need to make him realize that I’m awesome has gone. My need for anything is gone. There was a point where I WOULD have done anything he needed but it’s no longer a position that I care to be in because I realize that whatever action, favor or emotion that I freely gave to him, doesn’t change a thing.

I think that I looked at this last week and a half as an “old married couple” experience which it did seem for a while but what I liked about it was I felt coupled when I realistically should have just felt “roommated”. 

My heart or my emotions are no longer in control. The only thing that I’m listening to is my mind and my gut which both tell me that every single bit of awesomeness that I have will never be appreciated by him what-so-ever. It will never matter to him who I really am. He’ll never greet me warmly when I walk through the door. He’ll never say “bless you” when I sneeze. He’ll never treat my home, my belongings or myself as I deserve.

These realizations have probably come way too late. I’ve spent a long time wondering, “Why am I not good enough”. When this entire time I should have only been wondering, “What’s next? I’m ready!” Because of emotions that I felt for him it’s gotten me to a place where I am ready, happy and excited for my next relationship. I’ll never be sad that happened. I am grateful for the experience.

So, I wore my heart on my sleeve around him. I don’t even wish that one day he’ll figure out just what he had in me. I don’t wish that he regret not “trying” with me. I literally don’t think, or wish anything about “us” or our “ship” any longer. I am already preparing to go home tonight to a messy, empty house and I’ll start to pick up the pieces he’s left behind little by little and I won’t even be mad at the numerous little signs of disrespect that he’ll have no doubt left all around my home. 

I know that he might never find a strong enough female that will love him completely, accept ALL his faults and flaws and still want to come home to him every single night like I would have. I will pray for him to find that person though, as I would hope he’s done for me or will do. But in my life, complacency is no longer an option. 

This is a new era my friends. I finally don’t care. That is truly a good thing. I promise. He will always have access to my life and my home but no longer my heart. You treat something poorly for long enough you lose it. I hope that’s a lesson to everyone. 

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A Wish and a Prayer…

I’ve felt no urgency to write for a few days except when my emotions had gotten the best of me. I am human and therefore am prone to mistakes and flaws. Some days I’d say my one true flaw was falling in love with a boy that couldn’t love himself. On those days I’ve assumed that my love was enough to mend him and me. On most any day I could go through and choose 10,000 things that are wrong with us. But as long as there’s one thing that’s right, then it works for me.

I feel like we are a diluted idea of what we could be. We’ve settled into an old married couple sort of relationship which is no wonder why we’re in a rut. I get so emotional at the fact that I can’t see his true emotions. In the same breath though, I realize that mine are mostly covered as well. I suppose this is done for self preservation.

I noticed yesterday that during the day, while at work, I can be the most hardcore bitch and stand my ground and fight for things that I believe in. While these things are not really important in the actual grand picture it’s just who I’ve been. I’ve also been like that in relationships with the vast majority of them failing for me to actually give a fuck. It was always me who was non-caring or mentally or emotionally absent. That’s just the way things were.

I suppose a true sense of maturity or at least of some-what grown up behavior is realizing these things and attempting to be better than them. So, looking back, it shouldn’t be so difficult to better my relationships. However, that might not be the case.

Sitting next to him the other night and feeling like an invisible piece of dust on a shelf made me become passive, quiet and emotional. I found myself doing an emotional check, “How do you feel – invisible, unimportant, forgotten”. “Why do you feel like that – because everyone else in his world seems to be more important to talk to or to joke with.” “Have you brought this issue up – yes, many times”. “Is it possible to change – at this point no.”

So, options became this, 1. Tell him it’s not ok, again. 2. Tell him that if he can’t focus on something other than some social media crap for 90 minutes then maybe he shouldn’t be here. 3. Have a huge blow up fight about things where you both might say things that you can’t take back. 4. Go to your room, shut the door and just let him do whatever he wants to do since he isn’t swayed by my presence in any way, shape or form.

I chose the latter. I felt as though I was a prisoner in my own home. Option 1 had already been done. Option 2 scared the crap out of me because it’s his home now too. That’s unfair. Option 3 is never an option for me. I choose to NOT say all the things that just happen to pop into my head out of respect. Option 4… Just seemed the best.

I woke up yesterday and was still angry but sad in the same breath. I was angry because nothing had been resolved and because I knew it wouldn’t be. I was angry that it wouldn’t matter anyway to him what I thought, felt or cared about. I was sad because everything seems like such a finality… He won’t change, this won’t change, I won’t change… Oh wait, but I have.

Carrying on with my day I just knew he’d have been gone from the home when I got there because if, at the very least, he might have just felt uncomfortable. After work I knew that I needed some sort of distraction because no matter how we are in that moment it was always better than an empty apartment. But hours later, I pull in to find his car there and with a slight sigh of relief even though the mood would be unknown at that moment, I walk inside.

The place was dark, blankets and pillows around but no body was entangled in them. I walked to my room to see his blanketed bundled self asleep with absolutely no idea that it was 12 hours after the first slam of the front door in the morning. But instead of being angry or upset I was scared. It scared the shit out of me to know that he was probably in a depressive-sleep coma. My instant reaction was to walk over, sit on the side of the bed and lightly touch his arm, or to hug him, or to just crawl into bed and put my forehead on his and ask him what’s wrong.

I would have put a few of my biggest fears aside. I would have faced the possibility that he would have rejected my care or concern. I would have ignored the possibility that another woman had made him upset. I would have discontinued my anger for his actions the day before to just sit with him and let him talk, cry or just be silent. It didn’t matter.

Then it just became clear… We can’t keep doing this circle. I treat him as though he’s the most important man in my life, which on most days, he is. But that position should actually be reserved for someone who is entirely with me out of choice and NOT out of necessity or lack of options. I would sacrifice things for him that he would never consider sacrificing for me. I would do anything to ensure that he’s ok.

I let the fact that HE doesn’t want to be with me set the tone for way too many things. Knowing that there’s men that actually want to date, marry or just be in my company voluntarily, is actually started to penetrate my insanely hard head. The fact that he can’t even try is finally starting to sting a little less each day as I try to move on.

The truth is that I will, most likely, never be with someone that makes me feel the way he does, without even trying, but then again I realize that the better the good the worst the bad. We seem to be running out of the good lately and it has nothing to do with what he might think it does. I realize that he thinks of himself in such the worst way, using words that I would never describe his as but what I see is completely different. I see a MAN, that has the capacity to love more and to be what, at least, one woman wants entirely but in the same breath she’d (I’d) help him be better every day. The only thing that I’d want in return is to know some truthful, honest, great emotions. I need that articulation. I need to know why… I need to know that it’s not all for nothing.

I am not immune to true emotions and right now they are truly lacking.

… and that is how I’m feeling right now.

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Tears From The Moon…

She left one who was essentially oblivious to anything outside his wifi’ed world to reply to another that only wanted her in his whole world. 
But at that very moment, what did she want? She wanted the one that didn’t exist. She wanted the one who looked and felt like the one she was with but had the emotions for her as the one that wanted her to be his world. 
Things are shifting in a direction that things were never supposed to go. 
She wondered how it was possibly that she felt more alone in the presence of the one she loved than when she was actually alone. 
She wonders why just the thought of leaving him brings salted tears to her cold eyes. 
There is nothing more to do here but to run. In to the arms of another? Or just away from it all. There’s literally nothing left. 
She tries to grasp at memories from the beginning of all this but his occasional verbal outbursts bring her to the now and she’s reminded that it really doesn’t matter to him who the warm body is next to him. 
This has become a sick and twisted version of her self abuse. Is this what it’s like to be an emotional cutter? 
She has a humorous thought and wondered how long it would take to notice if she’d just replaced herself with someone else. Anyone else. Would he notice? Ever? 
He calls this state passive aggressive but what he doesn’t know is that this silence is the only way to stop from crying. It’s her trying to grab ahold of what she thought they used to be. 
The music in the background, the smell of what would have been a nice dinner, the sense that this night could have gone totally different if he knew how to live in the moment and not attached to a world of others that aren’t there right now. 
She screams, in her head, “I AM RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!” But he has made for certain that that promise will not end in forever. 
It’s painfully obvious that she needs to be done. So. Very. Done. 
She never asked him to reinvent the wheel, to do something he couldn’t do or to be someone he wasn’t. 
She just wanted him to see her, right then. To be acknowledged for being her. She had to know in that very moment that it was her smile, her eyes, her being that he actually wanted to be around and not her surroundings. 
It seems like the smallest thing in the world. It seems like something that should have never been taken for granted. 
She realizes that she’ll never get that because he’ll never understand. Because he’s never tried to understand. Because he’s never actually seen her. 
Full moons are supposed to be great and tonight’s is supposed to be even better than that. But it’s hard to see the moon through tears. 
The more she loves him the more she realizes she’s not broken but he might be more than she ever thought. 

I wonder if he’d care that it was so easy for someone else to see everything she has that’s great and to want all that. I wonder if he’ll ever have appreciated it. 

June Challenge Day 15… With some rambling. 

I think my mood is best described as sullen. The week has been busy with work so far and my weekend is filling up fast. If things stay as they are right now I will be attending a party on Saturday till late, watching the game and by the time Sunday night rolls around I see myself going to bed early to compensate for the weekend. It’s also my BFF’s birthday and father’s Day but I can’t be there for those things because there’s too much going on. It’s nice to get the opportunities to go to these parties of clients but after such a busy week I just want to nap already.

That isn’t the reason for the sullen mood though. I’m back to having my strange dreams again and they leave me unsettled. I’m just really trying to figure things out though. Yes, dreams are a way for your subconscious to either let you know things or to help figure things out but it’s bad when you’re so over every little thing in your life that you actually google “How to love someone you don’t love”. Yes, I’m talking about the ex again. I’m not really sure what I’m waiting for at this point so why not? At the very least, if the saying is true, then it’s always better to be with someone who loves you more than you love them right?

I don’t even know anymore. Relationships, love, feelings… These are all things that I freely passed up for so long and now it seems like the only thing that will actually make me happy now. As much as work is crazy right now it’s where I want to be and am grateful for that. So, this seems like the one thing that I can’t seem to get a grasp of. There really is only so much praying you can do for the same thing before you just get sick of hearing yourself. It’s a sad state of affairs.

I suppose now it’s more about just finding someone that I can cohabitate with that can provide some sort of emotional stability in my life. That’s what it’s all about right? Being able to be comfortable with someone who supports you, appreciates you and values everything about you? As I said before, when you choose to love someone you are choosing to love their faults and flaws. I am not void of those things so there are many to love I guess and he is certainly willing to do so.

Sometimes I think that I’m so scared to find out if I can love him because it means an end to a life that I’ve had for the last 3 and a half years. All that would go away. I think I might be ready to let all that go away. Letting go of something or someone doesn’t mean that you don’t love and care for them, it just means that you are ready to heal. That’s what I’ve not done over these last few years, is heal. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve been open, honest and felt that way about someone to only have had them take all of those emotions and play games with them, stomp on them, chew them up and spit them out. While the feelings where never his fault because he certainly never warranted such emotions from me, the handling of them were absolutely his responsibility. Just because you don’t return said feelings doesn’t mean you still can’t be kind in return. And whatever you do, you do not use them to your advantage EVER.

After a while of this, it became less his fault than it did my own. The truth is, I’ve always known the truth, about it all. Most days I chose to ignore it. Other days I just chose to really feel the pain because I felt that I deserved it for some sort of karmic payback. “Ah, this is what those boys felt like because of me… I get it now.” So I prayed for forgiveness and I prayed that no one every make him or anyone feel this way ever again, which falls on deaf ears because you can’t stop heartbreak. It’s one of those things like death and taxes that are absolutes. Sometimes revelations come from other peoples words, messages or actions. Sometimes they just come from dreams or other silly things.

Some days I wish you guys all knew me when I cared a lot less about love. Sounds bad but this whole world was a lot different. Now with that said, I’ll move on to my challenges today.

1. Exercise – yes.
2. Water – yes.
3. Love Yourself Challenge – Do you have any creative talent and if so do that tonight: I’d like to say I’m a decent writer, painter or poet so I will try to write some later.
4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What season are you grateful for? I am grateful for winter. It encompasses family, friends and a great excuse to have a fire and snuggle.
5. 30 Day Challenge – Do you have a favorite month? Okay, so I’m going to say December because it’s during winter but also because that’s the month I see most every one that I care about AND because I get the most days off work during December. Is it wrong that that’s what I base that decision off?

So there is today’s diatribe of emotions. I’d say that “This too shall pass” however, that seems to be said all too much lately without things actually passing.

I hope you’re all having a great week.

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June Challenge Day 14

1. Exercise – Yes.

2. Water – yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Go to bed early and write about how you feel the next day. Well, I’m kind of cheating on this one because when I do go to bed early I usually feel like crap the next day and never want to wake up at all. So, I’m going to just assume I already know how this works out.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge – What sight are you grateful for today? Art from Leonid Afremov, Orchids especially blue one’s (if you find one please send it to me), lightning storms, smiles but true ones not fake smiles. I’m grateful for the sight of my friends, my niece and my paycheck. 🙂

5. 30 Day Challenge – Do I have any special talents? I used to play the piano but I’ve forgotten most of it. I’m a very good investigator in all things. I’m good at fixing other peoples problems. I have a special talent of telling people the truth without it sucking too much?…

So I wrote this whole other thing the other day about love and appreciating the lives around you. But the more and more I wrote the more angry I was getting at the state of the world. I’d posted it for about a day then drafted it because it didn’t convey what I wanted it to. I might re-do and post but in a quick summation of what my point was I just want everyone to be kinder and more appreciative of those around them. One day they might not be anymore. Life, situations or destiny has a way of taking things, people, away from us when we least expect it. Don’t take one single day, or person or action for granted. Life is precious. Life is beautiful. Just stop being afraid to do things for someone or to tell them how you feel. We can’t control everything but isn’t it better, at the end of the day, to have said, “At least I tried” and you’ll never regret that part.

This world has saddened me and it almost feels unfair to be happy. Too many people are taken away from us… It doesn’t feel fair right now. But I will paint on a smile and be kind to those around me even when it feels like I can’t breath some days.

Just, be kind to one another. It is always better to have died being loved by many than being a martyr for few. Support humans and stop segregating anyone. That’s my truth tonight. You are loved more than you know.

yv7ZvXx7

June Challenge Day 13

1. Exercises – yes.

2. Water – Yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Name a poem that means a lot to you. I’ve always like Poe and I’ve written a lot myself but I don’t know any of the top of my head.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What abilities are you grateful for? I am grateful for the ability to still be ok after bad things happen. It might take a while but eventually I get there.

5. 30 Day Challenge – What is your favorite song? I can’t even pick my favorite song right now. I can tell you the ones that resonate with me currently and that’s Say Something and Wildest Dreams.

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June Challenge Day 12

Aside from a few outings and some purchases this weekend I have been an utterly useless human. Still kind of in a funk and not really sure why. I did realize that it’s been over a week of no contact from the ex ever since he dropped the “L word” and my reply was thank you. I’m pretty sure that if humans were supposed to go to a class and pass it about emotional intelligence I would have never received a diploma. But since I just really want to sleep in my bed for the first time in a few days I’ll make this a short one. And NO I don’t have any seductive dates that are the reason my bed has been empty. I’ve just been falling asleep on the couch a lot.

1. Exercise – Yes.

2. Water – yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Hang a picture of myself that I love and why do you love it? This is a hard one. I’ve always hated taking pictures. You know there’s an old wives tale that says every picture taken of you steals your soul a bit more. I’m not saying that’s why. I’m just remembering it. I guess I’ll pick two. There’s a pic of my BFF and I leaning on the “speak, hear, see – no evil monkey’s”. That was a fun day. The other picture I’d pic is one that was taken by an ex co-worker. He took this black and white photo of me and THE friend at this really shitty dive bar. THE friend was grabbing me from behind but it looks like we’re hugging. That’s actually the photo that my friend, the photographer said I looked beautiful in because I looked happy. He and I both knew WHY I was that happy. It’s too bad THE friend and I don’t have those moments now.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What texture are you grateful for? Anything silk, satin or flannel. It’s sexy verses comfort for me, I guess.

5. 30 Day Challenge – Where have you traveled? Even though I was born in England and lived in Saudi for a moment I’ve not really traveled nearly as much as I’d like to. Nevada, Arizona, Tennessee, Hawaii, Louisiana, Oklahoma… I think that’s it.

It’s a bit funny, my shot glass collection was supposed to be all the places that I’d traveled but once people knew I collected them it became something that they’d always bring me back from their adventures. My boss has probably gotten me the most and now they’re all in boxes somewhere because I don’t really have a great place to display them.

So that’s my weekend, boring weekend, and my challenges today. I just realized that I’ve been keeping up with these challenges everyday and writing about them and then I realized that partly it’s because I’ve not seen THE friend in two weeks. We should have gotten together two weeks ago but I felt horrible and he was going to be here late, as usual and I didn’t want to get into a fight about it so I just told him we’d do it another night. Then he’d wanted to get together a couple days later but I had to work late.

I do realize that I miss his today and that makes me uncomfortable because it’s only been two weeks. I’m not sure he’s even noticed that it’s been that long, or cares and I’m certainly sure that he doesn’t share in the missed feelings. Ugh, I feel like such a girl right now. I’m wondering if he’s even kept a promise to NOT have watched our shows until we get together. He has even less patience than I do so he’d be more likely to and that would piss me off but none of any of it matters now.

When my boss and his (now) ex-wife were going through their divorce I would always tell him that as long as there’s anger or fights it means that there’s passion or love there. There really is a fine line between hate and love but I apply that to THE friend and my’s relationship. As long as I still get angry or sad or upset then it means that I still care and love him. So, I’m trying NOT to get angry, sad or upset. Seems silly but if I’m ever going to fall out of love I have to consciously do these things. I don’t actually WANT to be in an unrecipicated relationship with anyone. So, this weekend while he was off having dalliances with what ever women he met, I was trying to forget… It’s not that easy for me. Some days I wish it was and today is one of those days.

I’ll just consider my unproductive weekend rest for my week ahead and be ok with it. Hope you all had a nice weekend and here’s to a great week.

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