Great title right? It doesn’t mean that this is a negative post. My thoughts start with last night. I cried while passing out for my slumber before the work week started. I couldn’t stop it. The moment I would close my eyes the tears would just stream. I guess it might have been a much needed cathartic cry. It seemed to stem from the fact that a boy can either be clueless or calious.
I’ve been blessed in my life to, never before, have the love I offer be rejected. In fact, just the opposite. Most people ask for more of it from me which I’ve not been able or willing to give. Even with the first man I ever loved, he wanted more and I couldn’t do it. Now, in my life, I have more to give to one person but that person doesn’t want it. In fact, he completely rejects it to the point of ignorance.
In the midst of having a conversation with him that included his future plans and hearing that part of them including finding “the one” just hurt. I found mine, at his lowest point and he will be looking for “her” when he’s on his way to a better place. It feels like a slap in the face but logically I know you can’t make someone love you. I know that if I was in the same place with us as he was this wouldn’t bother me but I’m not and I’m not sure I ever will be if he stays in my life.
Honestly, I never should have read that email back in January. I should have stayed away but I didn’t because I was so afraid of never feeling this way again but I never gave myself time to heal. You can’t get over someone when they’re right in front of you but I know the moment I get over my feelings I’ll be done with every single favor because there’s no equality in our relationship.
So what does all this mean? It means it’s time for me to go, move on entirely and just go cold turkey. No favors, no Sunday’s and nothing. For so long my excuse has been that I’m helping him and that as long as he was ok or getting better then I was ok but the truth is that’s a lie. I’ve been lying to myself because of stupid emotions. It’s now become way too painful and I realize that it’s hurting me too much to continue helping him. It’s not fair to me and hasn’t been for a very long time.
So it’s now time to break away and try to heal because I can not allow him to, either cluelessly or caliously, break me.
Today is day one of trying to fix ME! And no one else for a while.