There’s a fine line between hopes and fears and sometimes you can hope and fear the same things. Hope for love but fear getting it because then there’s something to lose. Hope for independence but fear for it because someone might not be there to catch you when you fall. Hope for a different place than where you are but fear that place might be worse. It’s a tough thing.
I read an article the other day about people who stay in a deep dark places because they don’t feel that there’s anywhere further down and in hopes that they don’t lift themselves up only to be let down again, they are (for lack of a better word) happy to be at their worst.
Over the last few weeks, months and possibly years I’ve felt like I’ve let so many things go in my life out of fear but I gift wrapped my decisions by saying that if it was meant to be then it would be. Some days I still feel that is the case but others I feel like I just effed up.
I think that it all boiled over this week, starting on Sunday then just got progressively worse until I finally saw someone. I decided to go back to my therapist because my dark side was starting to spill over into others worlds and it wasn’t fair. Of course, the first question begins, “So what brings you back here, again?”. My answer or what I could muster is that I was afraid that who I was spilling on to will get sick of it and leave but then again, maybe I was pushing him away anyway.
So, all the things I’ve talked about that I want and need in my life right now are here in this blog and it’s a long list of sometimes normalcy and sometimes specific but all these things I was getting. From someone that has no expectation to give them to me. It started to get worse because the more and more I wanted certain things in my life the more and more he’d do these things but the real problem here? We’re not a couple. We’ve never dated and it was hard to see him as just a friend because he was checking all the boxes of things that I NEEDED but without the intimacy. It was starting to drive me crazy.
I’m tell the therapist about this, him and m close friends, and work. She’d asked why I didn’t talk or bring up my family. Then came out the truth there. We have never all been close and because of some certain reasons I don’t even speak to my parents much aside from the normal “Happy Birthday” here and there. I explained to my therapist that I’ve made up my own “family” through the years and it consists of a few really close friends. People do say that friends are Gods apology for family anyway.
We talked about my job and how stressful it is to work for two men that hate each other. Why I’ve stayed as long as I have and to be honest it’s because I can be myself there and because I feel like that company that I work for is mine too. I was there when it started and I helped it grow. Because of some very poor decisions on the owners parts it’s in trouble now but has strangely always been able to survive going through rough times. I could easily accept any one of the jobs that have been offered to me but I feel like I’d be giving up on this company that seems to have a life all on it’s own.
I explained to her that I’m no where I thought I’d be at this age. I want a family and I felt like I’d given up on all those dreams because I gave up on all those men. So she asked what it was about the one man. I’d realized that on one of my last post I’d said just how much I crave to hear the words, “I love you” or “I’m in love with you”. They are both entirely different to me. But when I was leaving Monday morning and he was half asleep on the couch he mumbled “I love you” and in my emotionally challenged world I realized that that actually helped, hurt and confused all in the same breath.
It helped because I need to hear it. It hurt because it just solidified that those words will never mean the same to him as they mean to me. And it confused me because hearing those words made me want to cry for all the times that I couldn’t say it back, just like then. I stood there with my back to him, grabbing my keys and tears gathering in my eyes inside this dark, what felt like the tiniest room ever and just walk out the door saying what felt like a millions words of silence.
He’d later sent me a text saying that he was so hurt and felt horrible because I wouldn’t talk to him. Which reading at work, in the bathroom, had tears streaming down my face. I could recall everything about that morning. I literally felt like someone who was awake during anesthesia. I wanted to scream, or just say SOMETHING but nothing would come out except in my head. I was saying all those things inside my head. I was screaming to be heard but all in silence.
It’s not fair and it’s not his fault. These are my flaws and these are my issues to fix. Exercise only works so much before something else has to happen to. There’s a lot of fixing things on my end that I need to do. There’s a lot of secrets that are inside my head that need to be dealt with and I’m working on that and some of that has to do with the look I saw on his face out of the corner of my eye when I rejected his touch and his help. That broke my heart.
It’s obvious that I need to take time to try to repair things in my life so that when I get to a happier place I can still say that I’ve gone through all of this for a purpose. The only upside to being sad is that it doesn’t make you hungry and you exercise like a crazy person so my pants are a lot looser right now.
I am never going to stop wishing that his “I love you” meant more than it did but I’m also so very thankful for it. I’m never going to be okay at this place that I’m in right now which gives me the strength to get up and move somewhere. I have a lot of grief and things that I need to deal with but at least I have a starting point now. At least I have a goal. Who knows who will be there at the end but all I can do until then is to make myself better so that there are good, decent and loving people there at the end.
So, I’m not great and maybe not even good but I’m getting there. I hope you are having a blessed week and that there is someone there to tell you they love you even if it’s too painful to hear. You might realize one day that it’s the one thing that has saved you from yourself.