This week has been a strange one again. I’m still sad and can’t seem to fix this. It’s no one else’s place to but I do wish that I had the strength to ask for help. I’m not sure what I would be asking them for right now specifically. I do know that I don’t want to be in this place anymore. I think it’s an accumulation of a lot of things but things that I can’t articulate right now.
The week started with a long email at work from my ex. I’ve not been texting him back for a while now and he knows why but this was an emotional email. He basically said that he’d been fighting with being lonely and depressed for such a long time and didn’t see hope until he and I started talking again. He said that it felt like fate that we were back in each others lives again and then he said something that I didn’t realize that I’d longed to hear for such a long time but not from him. He’d said, “I’m still in love with you.” Right words, wrong man.
For such a large portion of my life I’ve pushed those words away so far and it almost hurt to hear. Whether it was “I love You” or “I’m in love with you” I just couldn’t bare to have those words hit me. But for some reason, I realized that I NEED to hear those words right now. I usually don’t have much of a reply or any at all and the only person that I actually can muster the words to say back is to my BFF but I HAVE TO HEAR THOSE WORDS.
I’d realized that for a split second, those words, that word has so much power over me and I’d probably do anything for that person who says that right now. In that second, I second guessed my judgement to not give him a chance. I quickly realized that I don’t want to be with him and even suggesting it for a second would be horrible of me to do to him. I don’t want to be with him and I’m not even sure I care to have his energy in my world right now, or ever again.
People say that you can’t be happy with someone else until you’re happy by yourself. Well, I’ve made an art form out of being by myself. In a crowded room I can still be miles away from anyone and I’ve had to be for a very long time. That’s just been normal for me. Like this weekend, it has been a hailstorm of people from a big birthday party Friday night to a wedding tonight. Both nights I’ve been standing around people who say “I love you” all the time to me but I felt like I was in a glass bowl and they were all mingling around the outside of the bowl.
I’d assumed that I make it hard to love me sometimes but there’s a lot of people that wouldn’t agree with that. Those are the things that I find myself needing to hear right now. As much as it still stings a bit, I need to hear the reasons why? Why do they love me? Why do they think I’m pretty or beautiful? Why do they care so much? Or maybe I don’t need to hear it from everyone. Maybe I just need to hear it from one person…
My life, in its entirety, doesn’t suck. I like my job (even though some of the people I deal with suck). I love my friends. I have a food, shelter and clothing and I’m grateful for all those things but what I long for is humanity and touch and words and kindness and love right now.
If I really just needed some random human touch then I have a boat load of “booty call” numbers in my phone that I could do that with but it’s so beyond that. I need someone that I can cry in front of, someone that will hold my hand for no reason at all and someone that will finally tell ME that “everything will be alright”. I guess I just realized that it’s my turn for that. Funny thing about being a human rock of strength for others, after a while people just assume that you don’t need some of that strength returned.
I do understand that I just need to open my mouth up and say that I need these things but the thing about that is, I don’t know if I can and still just hope that one day, someone will just know that I need these things and just give them to me. I know that life isn’t that easy. I know that I might never meet someone who will just know that I need these things in my life and even those closest to me don’t realize that I might just not be as strong as I appear. Someday, I pray, that someone does those things for me because they care enough and realize that I need it more than I don’t.
I realized a while ago now that life isn’t about quick fixes, one night stands or fast and fleeting friendships. It’s about the times when you’re at your worst. When you’re cowered down in the fetal position and then when you look up and see who’s left. That is when it hits you. Those people that are there when you are at your lowest point, those are the ones that are meant to be the recipients of your love, kindness and blessings. Not the fly by night ones that you find yourself trying to impress because you don’t have to impress the important ones. They’re happy with you just being who you are and nothing more. I think if I look around my life, I can see two maybe three people that are completely content and happy with me, being me at this point right now. That’s not such a great number in a crowd full of “friends” but luckily I’ve spent my weekend with those that do.
I had big plans for April, for no other reason that just because I felt like it was time. I still do but choose not to talk about them because it seems that the moment life figures out I’m happy about something is when things turn to shit. That’s why I don’t talk to anyone about my happy moments as much as I should.
So, I guess, this post finds me indifferent than where I was on my last post. I’m still sad. I still need things that I can’t ask for and I’m still a ball full of secrets but just the fact that I’m not ok with being in this place gives me the strength to get up each day and try to fix myself.
I understand that I NEED to hear the “L-word” but I NEED to hear it from someone that can say it like an arrow piercing my heart. I know that human touch is something that I need too and that sitting in silence with my secrets next to someone else is so much better than sitting in silence alone with my secrets. I just need real, true and honest right now. I hope I get that soon.
Hope you’re having a great weekend.