Weekend expectations on my drive home… A story about worry.

The traffic has never been as bad as it has been since the floods. “Detour routes” is what they’re calling it. There’s still parts of the city that are impassable. The detoured routes happen to be right where I live so my 3 mile drive home from work has taken anywhere from 30 minutes to, like today, an hour and 45 minutes.

After work today, before I realized that my route home would equate to the reading time of War and Peace, I started on my drive. Providing I’m not rushing to get anywhere else it’s usually a calm drive.  I have my music and just a little bit of peace as I keep my phone on mute and sing along to whatever comes on. Today, however, a song came on that I couldn’t stand and I decided to turn off the radio completely. There I was sitting behind three accidents without any exit in sight with nothing but the quiet hum of my car.

I have been reading about different types of meditation to find one that’s a bit easier for me. I’m not so good at regular meditation so I did this thing where you actually train your brain to “chase away” thoughts and it’s a long winded explanation but it actually worked for a moment. So, there I was without a thought at all and my mind felt so empty and light. This was a feeling that I haven’t felt for a very long time. It was a peaceful, tranquil moment and in that very moment, when I didn’t think of anything, I felt happy. I wasn’t trying to be happy. I wasn’t doing something that made me happy. I was just happy in that moment because I wasn’t thinking about anything or anyone. For that instance, there was no deadline, contract, or proposal that had to be done. I wasn’t thinking about getting my steps in through exercise or what I needed on a grocery list or the stack of dishes that had been there for a week.

So my obvious summation of that moment was that I needed to practice some sort of meditation or request some amnesia inducing blunt force trauma soon. I realize that being in a peaceful place in my head is something that I’m not sure I’ve ever really felt. I grew up way too fast and had way too many things to think about from a young age which is partial why the appeal of drugs was so vast. Even my first true love, music, can sometimes betray me. I find myself listening to a lyric or ten and realizing that those words were ripped out of my own head or heart and for a brief moment I feel vulnerable or violated until I realize that there’s some sort of sick sadistic comfort in knowing that someone else has felt that type of pain.

But I know that silence is something that I don’t hear much and not just symbolically in my head but in reality. While I’m at work, there’s the clicking of keyboards, ringing of phones and the faint sounds of everyone else’s music co-mingled with mine. On any one of my many drives to no where of importance there’s the sound of my music or the teeth gritting noises of traffic, construction or emergency vehicles. When I’m at home there’s a grotesque sound that comes from my fridge, the background noise of the TV, upstairs neighbor or people chatting outside. While I’m in bed there’s the sounds of a beautifully hypnotic thunderstorm that is supposed to induce my sleep. Never is there nothing.

This might be why, on some of my more elaborate running away day dreams, I dream of a far off forest where I just pitch a tent and sleep under the stars far off from the noises of a city life. But, to this day, it’s just a day dream never having come to fruition. Peace… Peace of mind, heart, soul and sounds is what I am craving right now. This is why they say, “Ignorance is bliss”. If you’re ignorant to most everything then you have nothing to worry about. Me, on the other hand, worries every day. I worry about work, family, my future, my friends, my place in all of this.

My peacefulness in my drive tonight only lasted a moment, until I was ready to come back to reality. Since my reality is worrying about everything I suppose I had some catch up to do. I worry about my job. Works crazy and we’re about to go through something very big in the company and I’m worried about the other employees. I worried about my family and what we are going to do about my mothers birthday and since it’s on the same day as mother’s day it’s especially hard to come up with something new and different every year. I worry about my health because I worry about everything else so much it’s usually the last thing on my mind. I worry about friendships and the future… It’s amazing what you can worry about in such a short amount of time, if given the chance.

Being that I’m a control freak, it’s hard to just “let go and let God”. Truth is, I still don’t think he listens to me or if he does then there’s parts of my life that are for His soul purpose of making me a punch line. Okay, maybe I don’t actually believe that but this is not where I would have put myself 20 years ago.

One more thing that made me happy though is the chance for more rain this weekend. I know that sounds selfish considering there’s so much water everywhere round here but rain and thunderstorms has always given me an excuse to stay home and be sort of a bum. There’s speculation that Saturday and Sunday will bring floods again and this time I’ll probably be entertaining myself through the storms, unlike last time. I haven’t heard from my friend and not even sure he was bothered by my sleep retreat last Sunday or if he even noticed. I, of course, worried about that friendship too on my drive home. I worried that his attention span or his patience will get the best of him and he’ll find something new to do on Sunday’s now. But because I’ve thrown up my hands in defeat I’m not sure that his absence will destroy me like it has in the past. I’ve decided that whatever happens is what’s meant to happen. I’ve done all I can with us. I’ve been patience, nice, kind, loving and understanding. I think I’m just exhausted at giving a shit anymore which has always been a one way street.

We shall see what this weekend has to offer though. What I’m expecting or actually hoping for is an early rise on Saturday with coffee and then to just bundle up on the couch and watch a list of documentaries that I saw of flipboard. I’m expecting to come in and out of a sleep induced coma all day and maybe, just maybe, get a small bit for work done. I might even choose to turn off my phone starting Friday night till Monday morning. Possibly indulge in a bit of wine. I don’t know but so far, none of the requests to “do something” this weekend have filled me with near as much happy as the moment that I thought of absolutely nothing today.

Today’s drive was a blissful piece of happy that I needed. Sometimes, silence really is golden.

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Variety is the spice of life… and I am all out of spice.

My life is currently so routine that there is no spice left in it what-so-ever. We’ve all heard the phrase “Variety is the spice of life” right? I feel like the blandest dish, in the blandest restaurant, in the blandest town right now. Weekdays are as follows:
Wake up (hopefully)
Makeup/Dress
Grab breakfast
Work (fight with boss)
Home
Workout
Shower or bath
Chat
Write
Maybe dinner
Sleep

My weekends are the same bars, the same restaurants, the same clubs…. Just everything the same. I realize that my life gets chaotic when I don’t have some sort of routine but where is the spontaneity? Where is the surprise? Where is my spice? If I don’t do something new soon I’m going to run away so some far off land. This is getting ridiculous.

I was so bored working today that I decided to check out the process of getting “frozen popped” like my friend just did. I want a child anyway and if the right man isn’t going to just show up in my completely boring life then maybe my next step is to just make it happen. I checked out the cost, which (thankfully) wouldn’t be an issue. I checked out the process. Now, I realize that this decision wouldn’t be made out of boredom but rather the fact that this is a part of my life that I’m missing and I am at the point where I could make this possible.

So, as I’m thinking of all this today, I was thinking about the fact that I could just go to my ex and ask him to “donate” because he’d be more than willing to do this. He’s intelligent, very attractive and has good genes. Yes, he’s a bit crazy but in my opinion I think most people have a little crazy in them. The problem here is that while it would save me thousands of dollars, he’d want to be part of the child’s life. I can’t take that much of him so it wouldn’t be fair to ask him. I’ve said before that there’s not too many people that I can actually stand for long periods of time. That’s sad right?

Things in my life usually happen when they’re not expect and therefore me planning anything is just a waste of time. But I did finalize my thought about getting “frozen popped”. I’d decided that if I did get it from my ex and save that money then I’d go in with the boss’s millionaire friend and start a non-profit business. It all turned out perfect in my head until I realized that I didn’t actually want to have HIS kid. Wow, my brain goes crazy and wanders off in so many directions lately. Yet another by-product of being bored.

I did actually reach out to the ex the other day though. When we were dating he was mesmerized by Prince. He was his idol in some weird way. But a lot of my memories of us was sitting in the back of his car in the rain listening to Prince for hours. We’d make-out or he’d read to me or he’d just sit there with his head in my lap. We had such an age difference back then. Now, it doesn’t seem like anything but when you’re a kid it seemed like we should have been worlds apart but in those moments we were equal. I’ve said before that I was mesmerized by him as well. I never loved him but I was so intrigued by him. He looked like Johnny Depp from 21 Jumpstreet, had this long brown hair and was just a beautiful man. He was stunning to look at but I think I knew back then that my fascination with him would fade which it did.

For the longest time I never understood why he wanted to be with me. I was a kid but decades later he reveled that he thought I was the most mature, mysterious and fun person. He thought that I was smart and beautiful beyond my years and even though I was always ready to stand in the rain and get wet, even in a pretty gown he’d always thought I was a princess. Then he recalled our first kiss, which I didn’t remember until he shook my mind a bit.

He had dated my (at the time) best friends old sister. They hadn’t seen each other in years. My best friend, her sister and I were at a 24 cafe down the street from where we lived. He was there, sitting in the corner, reading. My instant reaction was that his looks almost took my breath away but then I was too ensconced into whatever silly thing we were doing at the time. The older sister and he started chatting and we had all decided to go back to her house. My best friend and I were chasing each other down the street at 2 am on a school night and he and the older sister were sitting on the porch watching us and smoking.

At around 4, I’d decided to venture back home. I started my walking route as it was just down the street but quietly behind me was his hatchback. When I stopped to ask him if he was lost he’d said no but he wanted to make sure that I got home safely and because I’d declined his offer to drive me home he was just going to follow me. This was way before the cell phone era and I wouldn’t have been able to send him a HS&S (home safe and sound) text, that I do to my friends now. I’d decided to just get in the car and let him drive me as it seemed less creepy that way. And so it started. We’d gotten to my house about 3 minutes later and just sat in the car and talked like I’d never talked with anyone before. Hours passed and I realized that my nemesis, the sun, would be up soon and I bid farewell to my new strange friend but just before I left the car he leaned in a kissed me like I’d never been kissed before.

I’d left the car that night with butterflies the size of large tigers in the pit of my stomach and that start a three year affair. For the next three years we saw each other every single day. He’d pick me up from work or school. He’d spend the night at my house. When the weekends came hours turned into days of being with each other and his strangeness just made me more intrigued by him. But then one day, on his birthday, he was sitting next to me in the back of our friends car and I looked at him looking at his own reflection in the car window and realized that I felt nothing. There was literally no emotion left. The next day became the first day that I would decline to spend time with him and days then turned to weeks which turned into years.

I’d thought about him in passing through the years but even with that beginning he never made the “love of my life” list because I never loved him and certainly was never in love with him. I feel weird to know that he still keeps a lock of my hair, still has all my cards and has written poetry about me over the years.

Love is a strange thing to me. It both pains and confuses me that we can’t choose who we fall in love with. This is also the view of someone who is completely self-diagnosed as an emotionally immature person. I have some great and wonderful spontaneous memories of our time together though and I get to cherish those. Unfortunately, for him, they will choose to stay memories and not a foreshadowing into a future which is why the better option is to fork out 10 grand on someone that I don’t knows “frozen matter” is the better decision. But who knows, maybe I’ll get drunk this weekend, go into the same bar or club or restaurant and go home with a one night stand that turns into an eighteen year commitment.

…and these are the thoughts of someone that can not get bored or they start to think weird and crazy things.

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Points of Clarity That I Wish I Didn’t See…

This last week has been strange. While contemplating it last night, I was up till almost 5 am then awake again at 9 this morning. I was exhausted but looking forward to spending some more time with THE friend because Game of Thrones was back on tonight and it’s one of our many shows that we watch. However, things did not go as planned.

To say his moods are all over the place isn’t fair. Mine are as well and they’re usually dictated by his. I assumed (which you should never do) that after an text “argument” the other day that things would feel a little different tonight. I suppose more so that I wished they’d have been different. He still holds the reward for the person that I’ve been most honest with ever. Things may not get worked out the moment they happen but we usually discuss things after the fact. They might change for a moment or two but they usually go back to where they were. This used to be ok.

Over the last week while he was here, which I was happy about, I had some issues. Clean up after yourself. Don’t eat things that I ask you not to because they’re for my breakfast and a few other points. I admitted to him that he made me feel invisible and that it always feels as though he never really wants to be here. Those words hurt the worst to admit because I’ve never felt that before. I thought with his response of “that really bothers me that I make you feel that way” that things would change. Again, that’s what I get for assuming.

I have many friends that I see more often than him and that I speak to more often than him and yet we always find things to talk about. We put our phones away and just talk about anything. Tonight, however, there was a moment when there was 37 minutes of silence because he was buried in his phone. 37 minutes is a long time when all you want is for someone to prove to you that they actually want to be here. So, I went into my room to charge my phone and lied down for a moment. The next thing I know I’m waking up about an hour later to a dark house.

I don’t blame him for leaving but in a funny twist of fate I wonder if he realizes that that’s what it’s like to be around him. Here’s the other funny part. I live my life, with him, in two sections. The first being how I feel and how he makes me feel. The second is why he does the things he does and how he feels about things. I never want to upset him. I never WANT to argue with him and I NEVER want to make him feel like he makes me feel. Why? Because it fucking sucks.

On the way home the other night, when I knew he was still at my home, my mom decided that would be a great time to call me and tell me that my dad is going blind. My family has a strange way of breaking bad news. When I got home I thought that would have been a nice time to “let him in” and tell him and maybe have him help me inventory my feelings about that except he was passed out in what looked to be a depressed slumber so I decided not to ruin his night and decided to forgo what might have turned in to an emotion conversation.

That’s the thing. I think about his feelings. I try to step lightly on egg shells ALL THE TIME. Half my grocery list is things that he likes, or wanted, or mentioned in passing. I think about him way more often than I should and I suffer for it. He can’t see what he’s doing to me because he can’t see outside of his own self. He has no idea what goes through my head and this next part is the part that would hurt him beyond what I’m ever willing to do. He has no idea how hard it is to be his friend. The next part is the hardest for me to admit to myself and that’s I often wonder how the hell I’m still in love with him but I am. Through all the shitty conversations that we’ve actually had, through the shitty things he does and says and through all HIS tough times it is still the hardest decision in my life to leave him even though I feel like he doesn’t give a shit about this friendship. He takes me for granted all the time and sometimes, I think he manipulates my feelings to see what I’ll do. Or what’s worse than that is that I am more terrified to realize that he doesn’t think about me at all. That would be the worst case, I think.

For some reason, he knows the emotional me. No one else really knows that. I thought about this the other night. I’d gone out with some friends to our usual Friday night spot and was flirting with the very young waiter. I was being who I usually am around others. By the end of the night he’d slipped me his phone number and said we should hang out which is pretty much any young man’s code for lets get nasty. I thought about that tonight because THE friend and I don’t have that type of relationship. There’s so much crap mixed in everything. There’s emotions, favors and secrets. Not so much secrets between us but I think we hold a lot back from each other. Maybe we don’t. Short of some sort of miracle or intervention I can’t see this getting any better. As much as I talk about it on here I think I can already write our ending which might just be coming way too soon. I think I always knew our story never had a happy ending but I wished that there was so much more happy in the middle.

What I need from this “ship” is to know that he actually wants to spend time with me. That I make a positive difference in his life. I need to know that this isn’t a friendship of convenience for him or that this is his last resort. I need him to not make me feel like an invisible piece of shit and I need to know why I can’t “quit him”.

It’s a bit funny that I try to give all the worst parts of this relationship to my therapists and they’ve all had some sort of insight that goes way beyond what I’ll ever understand or believe. I explain to them all the shitty parts of this and how I feel so completely unappreciated yet they always have come back with some insight as to where his feelings might actually lie. So the therapists, the fortune tellers, the shamans and my own best friend all betray me with the impression that he does actually care and have feelings that he might not even know he’s got. I hear all that and want to act like a child by putting my fingers in my ears and screaming, “NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! THERE ARE NO FEELINGS! HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT! AND HE CERTAINLY DOESN’T LOVE ME!”.

It boils down to this… You can say anything you want. It doesn’t matter. If your actions don’t backup those words then you’re just lying. Bottom line. You can’t say, “I love you and care about you” and then treat me, my home and my words like they don’t matter. Life doesn’t work like that. But instead of screaming, fighting and saying things that could hurt him, I just fall asleep in a dark cold room 20 feet away because sitting next to him in 37 minutes of silence, while he desperately seeks out the rest of the world and shows me that every one else is more important was the easier thing to do.

I would love to know why he feels the need to take the harshness this world has bestowed upon him out on me, the one who’s been here with everything that he needs, wants and could ever have for three plus years now. Where the fuck is my happy ending and if I don’t get one then what’s the point in all of this anyway? About a month after we starting spending time together, three plus years ago, he once told me that he felt I was an angel that came to him. I wish that his actions made me actually believe that because it might have been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. That seems like such a long time ago now. The trouble with memories is that you can always remember a time that was better than it is right now.

I can’t believe I’m crying over him again. When will I use up my tears on this one boy? Why will my tears not dry up? I’m sick of crying over someone that’s never cried over me.

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R.I.P. Prince 

Whether you liked his music or not you can’t deny that he was talented and creative. Rest in peace to an icon of my memories and who made it on to the soundtrack of my life. 

He will be missed but he’ll also be sharing the heavens with some musical greats. Heaven must have an awesome soundtrack. 

   
 

Her thoughts at midnight…

It’s been four days of the emotional floods. With the past and future ripping through her brain. She tries to calm them with trivial texts to no one and everyone. It’s now 24 hours till the full moon. All she can do is stair at it in hopes that someone hears her. 

She lies next to him and in her mind she’s screaming, “you have a villainous superpower to make me feel like an invisible piece of shit!” But her heart screams, “touch me! Touch me just once more to prove that you know I’m still here!” 

Nothing is said or done so she’s quiet again. In the silence she can hear his breathing. Where did it go? That feeling. That sense of importance. She hopes its buried in fear and worry only for the fact that if that’s the case, at least it’s still there. If it’s not buried then it might have never truly existed but only as a lie to keep her cold heart thawed a bit. Thawed enough to feel something. 

This has all become some sort of blissful pain, a stabbing comfort. Maybe it’s not real. Maybe it never was. It doesn’t matter. Soon she’ll be away from this place and she’ll leave her heart on the last place she had it. Trampled by his shoes in the welcome mat of her life. She doesn’t need it anymore. Maybe she never did. 

Just. One. More. Touch. 

   
   

Fate’s Funny Ways… And Maybe Something New.

Still raining and now it’s cold which would be great if I was buried in my blanket at home but I am not. I am sitting at my desk staring out the window and watching the parking lot flood. The rain still calms me though so there’s that.

Yesterday was a strange day. It started with an email, at work, from my ex and a poem. It still shocks me that I can not reply to him at all and he still has the patience to continue sending things to me. It was sweet but there will be no reply. However, it made me have this weird dream last night. At some point during the day, I realized that if I wanted to, I could be married right now and trying to have a child. If I was to say “eff this waiting crap” I could have all those things with him right now. I want all those things right now just not with him. Perplexing what life and fate has to offer isn’t it?

With that being said, here’s another twist of fate for you. So, the way my career has gone has been jobs have always kind of “fallen” into place. I’ve been search out and offered them because (and here’s where I won’t be humble) I’m good at what I do. What do I do? I take care of things. That sounds ominous right? Kind of like I’m in the mafia? But I’m a control freak who likes to ensure that something is done with perfection. So, at work, I’m a control freak perfectionist and it’s noticed. Not only do I take care of things but I enjoy taking care of people. This leads me to my next possible career choice.

Because my boss and his girlfriend were having issues I decided to jump in and try to help. While being helpful his girlfriend realized just how valuable I am. This led her to ask me yesterday if I’d work for her or the company she works for. This is an amazing job opportunity and one that I’m really considering. The best part here is that I would get to work from wherever I wanted to. What does that mean? I could move to Austin and be close to my BFF, my niece and wouldn’t have to hear “When are you moving here?” ever again. It would solve a lot of problems and my emotional health won’t be in so much turmoil. Win win right?

I’m reminded every single day that my presents here is not needed. I’m reminded that the person that I am is not appreciated what-so-ever so I’m just reminded of how much I don’t need to be here anymore. These past few days have just reminded me that THE friend’s presents in my life has nothing to do with me. I’m not even sure he knows the real me sometimes or what the hell to do with me. The small fact is, it’s the little things. I don’t expect grand gestures. I don’t expect his thoughts or feelings to change. I also don’t expect much of anything from him but the small things are what would make the most difference.

He was just a few feet away from me last night and didn’t even know, realize or care that he’d upset me because his stupid social media and women all across this great land were more important to keep his attention that doing three things that I’d asked. Yet again, proving why I don’t ask for shit. For the things that I’ve done for him and he can’t even do a few things that I ask. It’s bullshit. That parts not even about my “feelings” it’s about the smallest form of respect that you give to a “friend” which is why I don’t even think he respects me enough to call me a friend.

And yet, with all that, when I came home yesterday and saw him asleep on the couch, I was comforted. I was concerned and I was kicking myself because on our worst days with each other, our trying days, our miscommunications and our misunderstandings I still feel better when he’s around than when he’s not. How effed up is that?

When I talk to my therapist about our friendship she’s a bit perplexed too. Trust me when I say I try to give the most unbiased view of everything as well. She seems to think that there’s some deep seeded tensions between us, unspoken words and unmasked feelings. I keep trying to explain to her that there is not. These are my feelings and mine alone and that almost all that I’ve had to say, I’ve said. I have no unspoken words or unmasked feelings. She’s supposed to be a really great therapist too. Reviews, recommendations and a lot of research went into finding her and yet that is what she thinks. I can’t win for trying.

Regardless of all of that and all the things that I would do for him and because of him I HAVE to realize that none of it matters to him. NONE OF ANY OF IT. So, I have an interview next week that might just change my course of action right now and because my career has usually predicted the outcome of my current status, it could be fates way of pushing me in a direction that my heart doesn’t want to go in and that would be west about 150 miles and on to a new life. We shall see what happens in the next week. Fate has a tricky way of putting all kinds of things in my life. Lets see where this new chapter starts?…

The flood of biblical proportion. 

That title was stolen from the headlines of Houston yesterday. That’s what we had. I was home, safe and comfortable with him. That’s what fate had planned I suppose. 

I was happy to share my space, my food and my company although I’m sure he would have been fine without my company but in my space with my food, and his tiny appled connection to the outside world. That’s why I have to not care anymore. Because it mattered to me that it was him sitting next to me. It doesn’t matter to him who’s next to him. 

I’m almost positive that I just sound like Charlie Browns teacher to him. I don’t even talk that much so I don’t understand. Most men would appreciate the fact that they don’t have to have these long boring conversations about nothing with a girl.

Just more proof that the comfort I feel around him doesn’t or shouldn’t amount to anything. My feelings are still there. His are not. The fact that it mattered that he was there to me but not vice versa means this isn’t going to get better and I have to leave. 

I kept getting texts from my friends and family in another city all showing proof that I’d, at least, be appreciated in body, mind and soul there… Not here. I’ve said many times that I wished things were different but you can’t make anyone do anything they obviously don’t want to. Do I wish I could have sat there, all day, yesterday with the same uncaring, obliviousness to another person as he did yesterday. Maybe but I was happy he was there. I’m not going to wish that away. 

Maybe my thoughts will change as the day goes on and people keep asking how I fared yesterday. All I do know is that I look forward to a long bath tonight. My mind seems exhausted, my heart is sad but my mood is decent.