Today was a long and stressful day. I drove all day just to end up among drunk sweaty men. My first drive had me going to a job I’d had 20 years ago. Yep, I’d started working at a bank before my current boss poached me from there. There are very few people that I know that still work there but there was one. He’s a nice, bland boy that used to take me to expensive stuffy bars after work. He was a lot cuter back then but hey, we’ve all aged.
We spoke for a while today while he was showing me his wife and new baby. During this playbill of his life he’d admitted to me that he really wanted to date me back then. So, hearing this enough made me ask the only question I could, “Why didn’t you ask?” So these were his three reasons: 1.) You made it pretty clear you wanted to stay in the “friendzone”. 2.) I was afraid because you’re intimidating and 3.) I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.
So, this is not the first time I’ve heard those responses either but obviously it got me thinking. 1.) I’m sure I made it pretty clear but you never tried anything either so I never knew you wanted to. 2.) I’m intimidating? WTF… 95% of the time I feel like like is intimidating, getting out of bed is but I do it anyway. Am I really that intimidating? Maybe, I can come across as a cold heart bitch. It’s true. How do I change that? Should I? 3.) You didn’t want to ruin the friendship? But what if it was supposed to grow? To be better? You’ll never know.
And why will he never know? Because of fear. You can always come up with reasons WHY you shouldn’t do something but it frustrates me when someone that I care about doesn’t do something because of fear. I want to turn all those people into Superman and have them realize that it’s the “not doing it” that will eat at you forever. What if you were just one fear away from happiness? Fear will not comfort you in times of trouble, pain or sadness. Fear doesn’t care to hug you before you leave or kiss you on the forehead when you walk through the door and lastly, fear doesn’t give it a shit if you’re unhappy. So, I say, Fuck Fear!
I’m tired of hearing those words after years. I guess, somehow, it says more about me than them if it keeps happening. Some of them genuinely regret never having told me. But I’m a firm believe in the here and now so maybe they were all supposed to have held it in so that I could be in this strange, weird, lonely place that I’m in right now. I don’t blame their fear on where I am now. I’m saying that by destiny they weren’t supposed to have told me so I could be here right now.
The friendzone thing though? That’s such crap. One of my longest relationship was nine months being friends, three years dating and now we’re even better friends than before. Another one was a five year friendship with two years dating after that. We’re still great friends now. Hell, I’m even one of his kids Godmothers. I think some of the best things start out as friendships but they are meant to blossom IF you overcome your fears. Think about it, you’re already comfortable, you know each other, you tell your secrets too (well some do) and it’s based off friendship, not sex, not obligation, but you choose to be with that person and spend you’re time with them.
I don’t know. He just got me mad because he’ll never know what could have happened. Imagine, if one of those “Shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” had worked out I probably wouldn’t be writing my lack of a love life right now. I’d be off living a life that was worth writing about. And I don’t think I’d have been having the really weird dreams I’m having again. This last one took place in New Orleans. I don’t know why. I haven’t been there for years. I want to go back, not during Mardi Gras but haven’t. It was a strange one that also involved and Angel, one that I’ve met in my dreams before but never in real life. My life is weird.
I was supposed to go back out to go back out to a St. Patrick’s Day festival that my ex was at and help him tonight but I decided that I just didn’t want to. I’d been down there this morning because people were already lined up at 5am to get drunk and none of it was appealing to me. I’d rather save my soul for a few nights and completely obliterate it over the weekend instead so I might just be back to normal by Monday.
So that’s where my head is at right now. I’m going to go color and light candles… Or do something less productive for my soul. I’d actually like to take a long, hot bath right now but I can’t get past the fact my bathroom is so gross. Anyway, I hope you are having a great week and do something fearless this week. Don’t turn a fear into a regret later.
I’m going cheesy on the quotes because I felt these the most. Take note. Learn and love without fear.