I’ve realized tonight that to be added to my “perfectly imperfect man” list is the fact that he’s an introvert. Yep, I need an introvert. I go out way too much. As much as I like to go out and for some reason if I don’t do something on the weekends I feel useless, I also know that I need structure and routine to keep myself in balance.
To help with some of my balancing issues, I went to see my Shaman friend today, in between running a bunch of errands. She gives me lots of things to help my spiritual self. Gemstones, oils, candles and meditation exercises. In her world, everything means something from the tiniest stone to how a flame is burning while meditating about something or someone.
We talked a lot about love and how never the right kind is brought into my life. So tonight, after coming home from a long night out, she had me burn a double candle and my meditation was to watch the flame and how the wicks burned together. I realize that I sound a bit crazy right now and at first I felt like a pyro but I like candles. I like to have them burning in my home. It’s another sense of comfort for me and the smells are usually ones that invoke some sort of needed feeling or emotion. I typically have at least four candles burning while I’m home but all to be extinguish before guest come over so they don’t get the feeling that I’m trying to seduce them or something.
But tonight, these candles were blessed and while watching them I envisioned what I wanted to come to me, in man form. What I like. All the traits that I’ve mentioned here. I watched the flame burn as one and watched the wax disintegrate. One side was supposed to be me and the other side was supposed to be the man that I want to romantically come into my life. I watched my flame burn with strength and I watched the male flame burn but it needed to be propped up by my wick. I sat there for probably 30 minutes and watched until the singular flame on two candles had burnt down so far that my fingernails where turning black.
It was memorizing and I realized why she’d had me to that because it was also so meditative. It was kind of beautiful and symbolic all in the same. I know it sounds like I must have been drinking tonight but I can assure you that I have not. In fact, my evening just lost me an hour so I’m about to, hopefully, drift off to sleep. Something tells me that this might just cause a few weird dreams tonight.
I will say this, she said that there’s a lot of fear around me. Mostly from others. They are fearful of doing or saying the wrong this or of trying to hard or too little. They’re scared of losing a moment because of its imperfection. That didn’t make much sense to me but if someone in my life is worry about missing an opportunity because the moments not perfect, I have news for them. Nothing is always perfect. NOTHING. Why pass up a chance to be happy because “it’s not the right time”. Pretty soon you’ll be wondering where did he time fly. I have a feeling this might be my GBF and if that’s the case, we’re going to have a long talk tomorrow. The moral of the story will be, “Don’t regret the ‘not trying’ parts of your life. When it’s all over you won’t care what others thing, you won’t care if things didn’t work out, you’ll care because you never had the guts to try.” Even if it’s not him, those are words to live by anyway.
I feel very relaxed after that mediation. Strange but kind of perfect. Hope you’re all having a great weekend and if you’re burning the candle at both ends, remember to watch it burn. It’s very therapeutic. Also, stop being afraid and just do something that you’re scared to do. Seriously. Don’t add another regret to your life if you don’t have to. Soapbox is over.