Yep, I was so angry yesterday and still am today because as of right now, about 24 hours later, he’s still not remembered that we had plans. Because I’m so emotionally “challenged” sometimes, when I’m really feeling angry, I have to do an emotions check with my BFF. Sounds silly right? Well, I know that being a female and sometimes that coming with hormones makes me a little crazier than normal. So she and I balance each other out.
I sent her an “need an emotional check” texted and explained the situation. First, she did what any best friend would do and that’s to say, “I’m sorry your hurting and upset and I’m sorry that happened. Do you want the bestie answer or the her answer.” Then she’d asked me to explain what happened and exactly how I felt. I told her I felt pissed, disrespected, like I’m not good enough to remember plans with and like our plans are insignificant. Then I told her I’d felt so bad that I think I needed both.
This is the bestie version: “Fuck that guy. I hate that he causes you so many upsetting evenings. Even though there is good with you guys the bad makes me angry for you and I don’t like it!!!***stomps foot*** I wanna punch him!!!”
That is what besties are for. I love her for that but I don’t want her to hate him which is why I barely share the bad things with her and because they are our fights to deal with. So immediately I felt loved but also I felt bad that this gave her a bad opinion of him. Then I felt like defending him but stopped. These are my emotions and I feel like crap right now because of his actions. So then came the “her” answer. This one stung a bit but it wasn’t anything new…
“For a long time I expressed to you that when you don’t share your life wit me it makes me feel like you don’t trust or respect me enough to be vulnerable with me. Like you only share selective things because you want to show me the best version of yourself. This is not reality just how I felt. In contrast, I share most tings with you and if you wanted to hear more I’d probably tell you more. So I felt like I was giving more than I received in that department. But over the years I have learned that you need to come to things in your own time and that this is ok. So I no longer take it personally because I understand that this is you and I love you unconditionally. But that didn’t come without a lot of growing pains on my end. I think the same can be applied with the kid. He is who he is. And he will improve at times like you have in this area. For example, you just texted me to check in on your emotions. This is huge growth from my perspective from where you were years ago. I think he will grow in very small increments. it is all about how much you are willing to compromise yourself to adapt to his ways and it will take major work on your part not to take it personally. If he is truly important to you, all things can be worked through. Especially if you believe he cares.”
That’s the thing, I do love him unconditionally but I’ve never felt that unconditional love returned so everything she said is true and I do want to work on things and it feels like we do work on things. Things get better for a week then it’s something else that’s fucked up. I don’t share things with her that are his cross to bare because it’s not my business to share. Just like I’d never share things with our mutual friend. The things that happen between us are just that, well and you guys here.
Also, I am willing for forgive so much more with him than any other man in my life but I also got the question, “Did you remind him?” My answer is that I am not his mother, wife or girlfriend and therefore I shouldn’t have to remind him but I have to let go of any expectations with him and that includes even the slightest bit of a remembrance. I’ve never wanted to be just a day of the week friend and I want this “ship” of ours to work but for that to happen we BOTH need to put in 50/50. So you see my issue. I’ve still NEVER been explained what this friendship means to him and I need that. Being told that “No, it’s not an ‘in case of emergency’ friendship to me” isn’t good enough. If it’s not making a difference to him in any positive way then it’s not worth the pain I have to go through when things fuck up. It’s just that simple.
But to address my BFF’s response, I’ve know for a long time that my lack of communication is a problem and further down she wrote that it’s a trust and vulnerability issue for us and once we share something from our past with someone that means they’re in the “circle of trust”. It’s hard as hell to get in there but I’d put THE friend in there and I’m not sure he’s ever appreciated that or known just how difficult it is for me to open up about anything, even to my BFF. He knows things that only one other person in my life knows and you have to earn that. Maybe I gave him early access for the wrong reasons but he’s had it.
So there is my crapload of thoughts for tonight. So forgiveness is being worked on and would come a lot fast if he even realized that he forgot me. It would also come a lot fast if he actually admitted that he gave a shit. I do love him unconditionally and I think that I always will. It’s just hard to know if he’ll still be in my life while I feel that for him.
Hope you’re all having a great week. Does anyone else feel something in the air?? There’s something strange going on…