Today was a day that I got up way too early and did way too much way too fast. I went to bed last night around 3/4 am and was up at 7/8. That doesn’t happen to me much at all. I had two long conversations about shit I don’t even remember now with my BFF and GBF. Then I finished off the night with some of my favorite TV watching.
It’s not only the shows that make it my favorite but the company and also the fact that it’s the only night of the week when I am not doing thirty different things and really paying attention to what I watch. But tonight went a little different because there was something weighing on my mind. I guess it’s been there for a while now but I haven’t really had the thought process to get it out on here or on paper.
It’s a favor. That’s the bottom line. It’s a friend that asked a favor which would normally be no big deal right? Except this friend THE friend is different. How do you convey that the favor isn’t a big deal, you’ll probably never be happy about it but the only reason you continue to do it is because of the “feelings you have for them” and a few other reasons which seem insignificant at the time. When he asks “What will make it ok?” and your only answer that will truly make you happy about doing the favor is the false sense of there being a future, something that will never happen and yet the only thing that would make it ok. That’s a bitch right?
The truth is a bitch. Reality is a bitch. And so I become a bitch. Well, not so much a bitch but I shut down. It’s not his words, his actions or the favor that shuts me down tonight. It’s the realization as to why I’m doing the favor and what the answer is and knowing that the question will always be unanswered, well answered but not with the outcome as to what’s wanted.
Truth is here, it gets tougher because every single good and decent action or word is something that I can check off my checklist of things that I want or need. That’s the hard part. Cooking – check, cleaning – check, telling stories and history and expanding my knowledge – check, making me feel safe and comfortable – check, making it into my #jarchallenge – check, knowing me or things about me that I inadvertently share – check.
So basically what’s going on here is that with each passing day or time we spend together he’s flaming an ash of a fire that should have never been burning to begin with. He’s doing this “push and pull game” without even knowing it or he knows it and is just a jerk. One day he’s sweet and says the right things but he’s doing the wrong this. The next day he’s saying the wrong things and doing the right things. It’s like a game to see just how long I’ll keep taking the bait.
I read this article the other day about the increasing number of open relationships. I wonder if I’d have to give a disclaimer to anyone I date from now on. The disclaimer would read… “Ready to have a relationship but be warned, you will have to share me with someone else. My body would be yours however my heart belongs to someone who doesn’t treat it well and doesn’t want it. My mind will be half yours only when you don’t do something that reminds me of him. Good Luck. You’ll need it.” I guess it’s a good thing that I’m open to open relationships.
I think he thinks that my reasons for not wanting to do this favor are insignificant and silly. I wonder how he’d feel if he ever knew the truth? I’m sure he’d either roll his eyes or say something rude. Apparently I’m the only one who doesn’t think my feelings for him are a joke. Most days they feel like a punishment only for the lack of reciprocation. On the few days that nothing goes wrong I’m at peace with them. Tonight, they feel like a burden but a strangely comforting burden. If that even makes sense. Tonight, I’ll just go to sleep thinking about what would make me happy. At least, in my dreams, I’m able to get my happy ending.
Hope you all had a good weekend.