Today was an unsurprising mess of male disappointment. Some men unsurprisingly not doing things they promised and others doing things that were completely unexpectedly annoying. I am so very tired of being promised things and there being no delivery. I’m sick and tired of doing my part and others don’t keep their end of the bargain. I’m so effing done with bullshit, lies and just a-hole males shits. Okay, so I’m a little pissed.
I had an old friend come by tonight and bring dinner. He’d offered to cook but his cooking tastes like ass so I declined. Instead he brought over some other crap and we just sat and talked about so much. He’d invited me to some fetish ball. Not the first time I’ve gone, pretty interesting but I’m not really into instant gratification (part of being a grownup) so I mentally declined his offer with a “maybe”. He already knew what that meant anyway.
I feel like after yesterdays really long to-do list that I might actually get some crap done this weekend. I need to drastically clean everything in my home, do laundry, sort out some other stuff. It’s boring but it’s a must do. I figure with only half a day of work tomorrow then I can get an early start. On the complete opposite side of the coin I was also invited to church on Sunday. This feels like the better choice and one that I might just succumb to.
I feel like maybe God will listen to me if I’m actually in his house, maybe. He’s certainly not been listening to me lately. Maybe what I’ve been asking for is just too much. Maybe the fact that all I want is something that I don’t deserve right now. I don’t know. What I do know is that with all the good I’ve been putting out I’ve not gotten any of it back. Why? Because people lie, cheat and are deceitful and I’m tired of it.
Maybe all the men that have really pissed me off today and this week should be the ones going to church and asking forgiveness for their mistakes and their lies and their lack of concern for others. This is when I say karma will go into full effect. For instance, each time they trip, get a ticket or lose money they can all just assume that’s because they’ve done something to someone that was hurtful and unkind.
I shouldn’t be annoyed or surprised, well, I’m not surprised. I set myself up for this shit every single time I do something nice for someone who doesn’t give a shit at all. I also shouldn’t let one or two bad apples ruin the kindness that I give out to those who reciprocate it but I can’t help my feelings. They are real and they are valid. So, eff them. I’m done with everyone who wants something from me. They can find their assistance in some other stupid person who doesn’t mind being treated like a doormat from here on out.
Truth is, I don’t ask much in return, EVER. But when NOTHING is given back and there’s only these “dangling of carrots” which equate to broken promises, or false sense of whatever, or the teasing of emotional baggage then there’s nothing left to do. There’s so much more to life than shitty people who use and abuse others. I’m tired of being around them all. I’m tired of looking into my mirror and seeing someone who deserves much much more than being treated as a pawn or time wasted or something else.
You know, it’s funny, I barely ever ask for things especially from others. But when I do ask for something and it’s not done it just solidifies why I don’t fucking need anyone else’s help. People can’t be trusted nor can they be counted on. People, men have really let me down today and this week and probably even longer so fuck off to them all. The only safety, comfort or truth is within me and no where else. I’m just so disappointed tonight. I didn’t think I’d be back here again. God help the next “man” that asks for a favor, help or anything from me and especially the ones that use emotions or trickery. I’ve let them knowingly get away with it for far too long.
So, my weekend is either Church or bondage… This might have been an easier choice before I got even more mad writing this post because now I feel like beating the crap out of someone. I feel like the last true, honest, caring, non-whorish and kind male that was in my life, I lost last year and that was my last chance to be happy. That’s sad. That is my cross to bare but no one else’s crap is my cross to bare so I wish them all well. To hell with all of you crappy men. I wish just once that a guy would effing surprise me in a good way and not be an a-hole.
This too shall pass… or so I’m told. People suck today. Not all people, I still like all of you. Hope you’re having a better day than I am.