Bonding Over Bondage… and Other Random Things.

Today was an unsurprising mess of male disappointment. Some men unsurprisingly not doing things they promised and others doing things that were completely unexpectedly annoying. I am so very tired of being promised things and there being no delivery. I’m sick and tired of doing my part and others don’t keep their end of the bargain. I’m so effing done with bullshit, lies and just a-hole males shits. Okay, so I’m a little pissed.

I had an old friend come by tonight and bring dinner. He’d offered to cook but his cooking tastes like ass so I declined. Instead he brought over some other crap and we just sat and talked about so much.  He’d invited me to some fetish ball. Not the first time I’ve gone, pretty interesting but I’m not really into instant gratification (part of being a grownup) so I mentally declined his offer with a “maybe”. He already knew what that meant anyway.

I feel like after yesterdays really long to-do list that I might actually get some crap done this weekend. I need to drastically clean everything in my home, do laundry, sort out some other stuff. It’s boring but it’s a must do. I figure with only half a day of work tomorrow then I can get an early start. On the complete opposite side of the coin I was also invited to church on Sunday. This feels like the better choice and one that I might just succumb to.

I feel like maybe God will listen to me if I’m actually in his house, maybe. He’s certainly not been listening to me lately. Maybe what I’ve been asking for is just too much. Maybe the fact that all I want is something that I don’t deserve right now. I don’t know. What I do know is that with all the good I’ve been putting out I’ve not gotten any of it back. Why? Because people lie, cheat and are deceitful and I’m tired of it.

Maybe all the men that have really pissed me off today and this week should be the ones going to church and asking forgiveness for their mistakes and their lies and their lack of concern for others. This is when I say karma will go into full effect. For instance, each time they trip, get a ticket or lose money they can all just assume that’s because they’ve done something to someone that was hurtful and unkind.

I shouldn’t be annoyed or surprised, well, I’m not surprised. I set myself up for this shit every single time I do something nice for someone who doesn’t give a shit at all. I also shouldn’t let one or two bad apples ruin the kindness that I give out to those who reciprocate it but I can’t help my feelings. They are real and they are valid. So, eff them. I’m done with everyone who wants something from me. They can find their assistance in some other stupid person who doesn’t mind being treated like a doormat from here on out. 

Truth is, I don’t ask much in return, EVER. But when NOTHING is given back and there’s only these “dangling of carrots” which equate to broken promises, or false sense of whatever, or the teasing of emotional baggage then there’s nothing left to do. There’s so much more to life than shitty people who use and abuse others. I’m tired of being around them all. I’m tired of looking into my mirror and seeing someone who deserves much much more than being treated as a pawn or time wasted or something else.

You know, it’s funny, I barely ever ask for things especially from others. But when I do ask for something and it’s not done it just solidifies why I don’t fucking need anyone else’s help. People can’t be trusted nor can they be counted on. People, men have really let me down today and this week and probably even longer so fuck off to them all. The only safety, comfort or truth is within me and no where else. I’m just so disappointed tonight. I didn’t think I’d be back here again. God help the next “man” that asks for a favor, help or anything from me and especially the ones that use emotions or trickery. I’ve let them knowingly get away with it for far too long. 

So, my weekend is either Church or bondage… This might have been an easier choice before I got even more mad writing this post because now I feel like beating the crap out of someone. I feel like the last true, honest, caring, non-whorish and kind male that was in my life, I lost last year and that was my last chance to be happy. That’s sad. That is my cross to bare but no one else’s crap is my cross to bare so I wish them all well. To hell with all of you crappy men. I wish just once that a guy would effing surprise me in a good way and not be an a-hole.

This too shall pass… or so I’m told. People suck today. Not all people, I still like all of you. Hope you’re having a better day than I am.

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Cleaning Up and Reinventing the Normal. 

One of the guys from work was nice enough to bring in a stomach bug from one of their kids and pass it on to me. I’ve been a mess for two days now and finally starting to feel better now. Being sick gives you time to do nothing, which usually I hate. Today it gave me time to work on my to-do list. Problem is I’m great at making the list but not so good on the follow through.

I started with something small, like cleaning up my phone. This is the first time ever that I’ve kept all text messages without deleting them. I still kept them today but it makes me feel like my phones a mess. Some people like to keep conversations so that they can come back to them later and say, “See, I told you I said that”. I hate to be the “I told you so” person so I have no reason for keeping them. I went to my “favorites” for some reason. I never use that feature but there’s only four people there. My BFF, my boss, brother and my GBF. I should probably actually put more of my favorite people in that list but I don’t really care about it. I’d put THE friend in there because he is one of my favorite people but I think I’m still scared that he won’t stick around so I don’t.

Other things that made it to my to-do list? I want to actually clean my patio and make it a nice sitting area so that I’ll stop smoking in my place. I know that’s gross but I walk around so frequently without pants on I can’t really step outside the front door. Every once in a while I’ll go out there and watch the stars or the moon or rain. I like to be one with nature and for some reason, lately, I’ve really wanted to go camping or on a hike or something. Some would say that they could never see me doing that stuff but I actually like it. I’d leave my flat iron at home and take a walk in the wild for a day or two. Just as long as it’s not the normal. You know how I hate boring.

Truth is, there’s a lot of stuff that I want to do that doesn’t really seem like me but I don’t really have many adventurous friends. They’re all settled with family and those days are past. I like being spontaneous. THE friend is spontaneous, like this past weekend. I had fun doing things I hadn’t done before. Problem there is, in my mind, he’ll leave again and then I’ll be left with all these ideas of stuff we COULD have done. I don’t want that again. So I’m cautions in my planning. I wish I could be relaxed about us and just enjoy each moment. Easier said than done. There’s nothing tethering us to each other so there will always be that possibility. In my mind he’s always off trying to find someone new to occupy his time with and I’m trying to find someone to replace him when he leaves. That’s kind of shitty huh?

I really need to take a good hot bath but don’t have the energy. Being sick takes a lot out of ya. I feel like I’m always sick though. To add to my future husband list, I’d like him to get me healthy or at least help me get healthier. It’s amazing, I’ve dated three personal trainers in my life and I’m still not close to where I want to be. It’s a lot harder than you think it is. I’d also like to add personal grocery shopper to that list and someone who records movies for me to watch later. Apparently being sick makes me think of all the things I want in a man. I just looked at the weather and it makes me a little happy to know that it’s going to rain. I really love the rain. I’m going to try to walk a trail tomorrow night, even in the rain. I’ve missed it. Walking and running are my meditation.

It’s weird when I think of all these things that go into my future husband list and with each item I also think about the things that I’d do for him as well. I read this article the other day about “flipping the switch” and the man being a stay at home ‘whatever’ and the woman working. It talked about social norms and how things are so much different now. Just as all ‘ab-normal’ relationships intrigue me so does this. I’ve always been an independent woman and the idea of not working freaks me out. If my other half did all the things that the past female role was for then I’d be ok with that. Even with having kids, he’d provide the ingredients, I’d cook he bun and he’d nurture it, I’d be ok with that too. I just that’s why I’d always dated these dominant assholes that believed in the barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen roles because I always knew I’d never fall for it. No, I want those things and the tables turn. I hate cooking and cleaning but I like to work. See how that works?

The things I think about as I’m living in the bathroom for two days. Oh well, one can wish. I’ve just been invited to another wedding in a few weeks. Those are always fun without a date but my BFF will be there so we can eff off and do stupid shit together. Who knows, maybe we’ll actually find some decent men to hang around for the night.

Okay, so all that was a bunch of random crap I felt like writing tonight. I have no real words that are coming up anymore. Hope you’re all having a great week.

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Staring Into The Soul… And Thinking of Other Things.

I went out on a date the other day. I haven’t really found the words for it till today but he was nice, cute, sweet and all the other things that someone else said he’d be. We’d met at the restaurant because I’m a control freak and needed that control. I looked nice, well, nicer than usual. I’d curled my hair, went extra sultry on the eyes and sprayed the expensive perfume lightly. First rule, I’d put my phone away. Second rule, I’d not think about anything else during dinner. Third rule, to stop reciting rules in my head.

I already felt a bit uneasy because he was pretty, nice body and good hair. I wasn’t going to show that side though. We already knew what each other looked like so that was just my mind getting the best of me. He asked how my day was. I’d responded with the usual “Fine”. It’s to early to explain the weirdness that my job has to offer me. I returned the question. His response was much more invasive. I noted in his reply that he was nervous. Really? That was interesting to me.

The waiter came over to take our drink orders. My date had asked me if I wanted a mixed drink or wine. I remembered “Mixed drinks make me excited but wine makes me sleep”… So my response was quickly, “Wine, please”. He picked out some red French mess. I remembered that red wine gives my mom migraines and had the thought that if I got a migraine that maybe it was a sign. We continued the standard first date inquiries. The conversation flowed. We had some similar interests, music, movies and a few other things.

In the corner of the restaurant I’d noticed that a friend of my boss’s was on what appeared to be a bad Tinder date. I remembered the time when he’d been given my number and somehow found it appropriate to send me a d*ck pic. I then, quickly, shook my head back to the present and returned to the current conversation. He was telling me about his college experiences. I found it interesting until he mentioned something about his hair and I remembered that I have a hair appointment soon and thought long and hard about going back to blonde for the summer.

“Damn it, Stay in the moment!” I screamed in my head. Then the evening seemed to drag on. I, at one point, remember looking at him directly in the eyes and wondering, “I wonder if he’d just donate his sperm to me?” “We’d just have to have one night of passion and then we’d never have to see each other again.” It was around that time that I was awoken from my day dream by him saying something about, “They’re coming to concert here. Would you like to see them?” I replied with a smile and a maybe because that’s all I could muster after realizing that, No, he’s not the one night stand type of guy. That’s a plus.

I’ll fast forward through all the rest of the monotony. Basically, I remembered this Letter To My Future Husband and I realized that he’s not that person. I’m not sure that anyone I meet in the future is that person. Basically, we had a nice evening. It was pleasant but there were no sparks. I couldn’t wait to get back home to my fortress of solitude. I tried, I really tried but I’m not sure you should HAVE to try that hard.

Then, Friday night came and I had a great time with my boss’s girlfriend and I forgot about the date. Then, Saturday came and I had a great time with THE friend. Then, Sunday came and I had a great time with THE friend again even though he was acting strange. Then Sunday night came and THE friend was leaving and I got sad. I got sad because even in his weird, secretive grumpy cat mood he was still better company than the date. I really am going to be old and grey living with my best friend with a ton of dogs.

I’ve had a strange month already. Not bad but different even tonight was weird. I don’t really know where my head is at. I think it’s somewhere between confused, sad and feeling cheated or maybe that’s my heart. I don’t know anymore. Can I just give up? I think I just give up. I will resign to my fate and leave all this “force-able future” alone. But I can’t say I didn’t try.

The date called and texted. I hate that our society is such a “need an answer right now” kind. What do I tell him? “Sorry you’ve not left enough of an impression to replace the impression of someone else that’s already in my heart.” That seems cold. That’s too cold right? Blah, I can already see that this will be one of those unsurprising weeks that make me want to scream into a pillow or smother myself with it by the end.

…And those are my thoughts. I really planned on writing a whole other something tonight. Not in the mood. Hope you’re having a great week.

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The Unintentional Gift of Making People Cry… Again.

My initial disclaimer is that I have been drinking and on an empty stomach tonight. This was not my intention BUT I did have someone’s best interests in mind when I agreed to this. To fully understand this post you’ll need to be re-directed to another one… The Tale of Two Men… Basically this was the talk with my boss about the girlfriend that made him cry. Well, tonight (It’s actually 2:30 in the morning so I guess yesterday) was the day I met with the girlfriend.

Let me back track a bit. I’ve had very few exceptionally close friendships with females. I know, it’s shocking that my energy gravitates toward male energy for some reason but I encounter lots of females that want to be friends and I’ll do the friendly thing for a while but I know that there is only a certain type of energy that I can tolerate for long. I still have a female neighbor from ten years ago that calls only to receive my voicemail for years now. But with all that said, I wasn’t looking forward to tonight because I had a different image of who my boss’s girlfriend was. He has a tendency to paint people entirely different to serve his needs. I actually kind of looked at it as a “work job”.

Truth is, I actually enjoyed myself. We had a great conversation and there were things that came up from her that she’d never told anyone. I could tell that she’s never really had a real and true decent female friend in her life. So she talked mostly and I listened. Sometimes that’s all you have to do is listen to someone who feels taken for granted. But soon, the conversation moved quickly to the point as to why I was there. She assumed it was because I just wanted to have a drink and I knew it was more about some sort of therapy.

This part the drinking helped with a lot. She’d asked about my opinion and since my opinion has a lot to do with my situation with THE friend this meant I had to open up a lot but yet still being reserved. I started to share my story, explaining that not only did I understand her issues with my boss because he’s an asshole but also because THE friend is so much like him and we go through “shit” that’s similar.

She kept asking questions like “Does he do this?” My response, “Yes!”. This continued for about an hour. Her asking and me admitting to her and to myself that those two were so alike. Finally, and I knew it was coming, she asked the biggest question… “So why do you keep doing it? Why do you stay?” By this time I was really feeling the alcohol. I looked at her, in a completely sobering yet perplexing manner and said…

“Because I can’t imagine my life without him in it.”

Yep, that part made her tear. I did not do that on purpose and I didn’t do that to illicit any sort of reaction. It was the most honest and truthful answer that I felt, in my heart, at that moment. I realized in that very moment that this is what it all boils down to with THE friend and me and with my boss and his girlfriend. Difference is obviously those two are probably going to be together as a couple forever now. We, however, are not in the same boat. But still I had a very clear sober drunk moment, if that makes sense.

We talked about a whole lot more than just those two but I realized that information can be used for good or evil. Secrets can be used to good or evil. I could have sat their and probably convinced her (with my vast knowledge) to not leave, to not move away but I knew that it’s probably the best thing for her. At this point she needs time to breath and to live on her own for a while and to let him fix himself. When he’s ready to give up some control and when he’s shown he can grow I think she’ll be more than happy to come back and they can have their happily ever after but shit needs fixing!

That can not be said for my situation because there’s no option of a “happily ever after” with us and if I was to leave I’m not sure that it would matter near as much, if at all but not everything is the same between our situations so I’m aware of this. I think that when I said that one answer though it might have just made more sense to her than to anyone else in the world.

I enjoyed tonight and if my situation has helped in anyway then, again, it’s worth it. I was truthful to someone that I barely know and it was all to help someone who can’t understand or comprehend the blessing that God sent to him. Sometimes, all a girl needs is some appreciation that comes from the heart.

Hope you’re having a great weekend and your homework assignment for today is to show some appreciation for someone in your life that you “can’t life without” but don’t tell them as much as you should.

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The Power of Fear… And Other Feelings.

Today was a long and stressful day. I drove all day just to end up among drunk sweaty men. My first drive had me going to a job I’d had 20 years ago. Yep, I’d started working at a bank before my current boss poached me from there. There are very few people that I know that still work there but there was one. He’s a nice, bland boy that used to take me to expensive stuffy bars after work. He was a lot cuter back then but hey, we’ve all aged.

We spoke for a while today while he was showing me his wife and new baby. During this playbill of his life he’d admitted to me that he really wanted to date me back then. So, hearing this enough made me ask the only question I could, “Why didn’t you ask?” So these were his three reasons: 1.) You made it pretty clear you wanted to stay in the “friendzone”. 2.) I was afraid because you’re intimidating and 3.) I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.

So, this is not the first time I’ve heard those responses either but obviously it got me thinking. 1.) I’m sure I made it pretty clear but you never tried anything either so I never knew you wanted to. 2.) I’m intimidating? WTF… 95% of the time I feel like like is intimidating, getting out of bed is but I do it anyway. Am I really that intimidating? Maybe, I can come across as a cold heart bitch. It’s true. How do I change that? Should I? 3.) You didn’t want to ruin the friendship? But what if it was supposed to grow? To be better? You’ll never know.

And why will he never know? Because of fear. You can always come up with reasons WHY you shouldn’t do something but it frustrates me when someone that I care about doesn’t do something because of fear. I want to turn all those people into Superman and have them realize that it’s the “not doing it” that will eat at you forever. What if you were just one fear away from happiness? Fear will not comfort you in times of trouble, pain or sadness. Fear doesn’t care to hug you before you leave or kiss you on the forehead when you walk through the door and lastly, fear doesn’t give it a shit if you’re unhappy. So, I say, Fuck Fear!

I’m tired of hearing those words after years. I guess, somehow, it says more about me than them if it keeps happening. Some of them genuinely regret never having told me. But I’m a firm believe in the here and now so maybe they were all supposed to have held it in so that I could be in this strange, weird, lonely place that I’m in right now. I don’t blame their fear on where I am now. I’m saying that by destiny they weren’t supposed to have told me so I could be here right now.

The friendzone thing though? That’s such crap. One of my longest relationship was nine months being friends, three years dating and now we’re even better friends than before. Another one was a five year friendship with two years dating after that. We’re still great friends now. Hell, I’m even one of his kids Godmothers. I think some of the best things start out as friendships but they are meant to blossom IF you overcome your fears. Think about it, you’re already comfortable, you know each other, you tell your secrets too (well some do) and it’s based off friendship, not sex, not obligation, but you choose to be with that person and spend you’re time with them.

I don’t know. He just got me mad because he’ll never know what could have happened. Imagine, if one of those “Shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” had worked out I probably wouldn’t be writing my lack of a love life right now. I’d be off living a life that was worth writing about. And I don’t think I’d have been having the really weird dreams I’m having again. This last one took place in New Orleans. I don’t know why. I haven’t been there for years. I want to go back, not during Mardi Gras but haven’t. It was a strange one that also involved and Angel, one that I’ve met in my dreams before but never in real life. My life is weird.

I was supposed to go back out to go back out to a St. Patrick’s Day festival that my ex was at and help him tonight but I decided that I just didn’t want to. I’d been down there this morning because people were already lined up at 5am to get drunk and none of it was appealing to me. I’d rather save my soul for a few nights and completely obliterate it over the weekend instead so I might just be back to normal by Monday.

So that’s where my head is at right now. I’m going to go color and light candles… Or do something less productive for my soul. I’d actually like to take a long, hot bath right now but I can’t get past the fact my bathroom is so gross. Anyway, I hope you are having a great week and do something fearless this week. Don’t turn a fear into a regret later.

I’m going cheesy on the quotes because I felt these the most. Take note. Learn and love without fear.

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The Marrying Kind… Or Not?

I’m exercised, bathed and pantless and I am happy. Today was a quiet day. I had a lot to do and still do but it was still quiet. I slept well and had a nice weekend. Sunday I had brunch with my friend who just had the baby. It was the first baby’s outing. The table was my friend, her cousin, baby and me. It was like brunch and a show because we all just couldn’t stop watching him. You could feel the tug of our own uteruses each time he smiled.

There’s also something about the warm and comforting looks you get while holding a child. It reminds me of when my niece was still a baby. She was sensing her parents arguing, it was one of their biggest. At this point, I’d taken it upon myself to take her outside amongst the trees, the wind and all the passers-by which assumed she was mine. We did kind of look a like, being family and all. I had at least two dozen people, even men, come up and just say, “What a beautiful child you have!” and at first, explaining she was my niece but after the first few just giving up the explanation and offering a thank you.

But moving on, it was a nice start to the morning; however, after losing the hour of sleep or partying the night before I had gotten to the exhausted portion of the afternoon quickly. I was having a long talk with my old boss, while laying on the couch and at some point during the conversation, I completely fell asleep for about an hour. Hopefully she didn’t take offense to this. But then woke up to THE friend knocking on then opening the door. I thought I was dreaming at first but realized quickly that not only was I not dreaming but I was wearing shorts… These British pales legs haven’t seen sunlight in about six months so I quickly went to change. Not that he could actually care less what I look like though, it was more for me.

We’d had a nice or pleasant night. I do fear us falling into this rut though but it got me thinking. Now that my arm candy is having a baby, two close girl friends are getting married and one of my closest guy friends just got married, I’ve lost all my “go to’s” for outings. The thing is, with my job, I get invited out to different things probably a few times a week. This is not a bragging statement, trust me. Most of the guys are creeps which is why I usually took other guys with me and we’d just act like we were together but some of these things are really nice. The charity gala’s, art openings and a few concerts are actually worth it and great experiences. However, they should have made it in my jar challenge but they didn’t because I was faking it. I’m not great at faking it which is where the wine comes in. The wine, makes it easier to fake things or to put me to sleep. The liquor makes me excitable. That’s why on my fake dates I stay away from liquor. 🙂

So, a few of these events came up today. My ex and I were talking about them and for some reason we’d gotten on to the “marriage” subject and he’d asked if I would have ever married him. Just so we’re all clear, he’s a happily married man so this wasn’t flirtation but more inquisitive. I’d recalled that as far as we’d gotten in our relationship, we’d talked about not getting married but buying a small house and adopting a lot of dogs. We’d both felt like marriage was a path that neither of us wanted to go down… Oh how things change. I’m telling you, this is the curse of “You always want what you can’t have.” When I could have been I didn’t want it and now there’s no one that’s interested that I would consider.

I guess the reason I bring this up is because THE friend is the closest I’ve had to a male roommate and could be the best possible “fake date” to take to all these shindigs except I’m not really interested in going with someone who would probably try to get every single girls number there. That would be missing the point but me pointing that out would make him think that I’m doing it for other reasons and then we’d fall into this cycle.

We’d gotten over or past the whole “forgetting an evening together” thing that I was so pissed about. He’d explained and I listened. Still made me mad but not everything has to be a huge fight. That’s one thing we’re kind of getting good at, and that’s communicating. He’s been sharing a lot more of his childhood than he has in the past and I find it beautiful. I love seeing his little face with the cheeks when he was a kid. So add that to the checkbox list. Ugh, it’s getting ridiculous. Check, Check, Check, Check. God and I need to have a serious talk because he is just being cruel to me now. Still considering the lobotomy thing… Really.

But moving on, the ex and I kind of went into a long conversation about the whole marriage thing. It was a bit weird and unexpected. I guess it is wedding season. That’s probably why I’m trying to get in shape quickly because I’ll have to go to another shitload of them this year. I have donated so many dresses that I’ve had to wear. The only thing I like about it is the dressing up part. I used to do makeup for brides and that was always fun plus the money wasn’t half bad either. Alright, now I’m just rambling. I’m going to curl up on the couch pantless and watch some TV or do something else that’s completely unproductive. I hate that I’m so predictable lately. I hate predictable.

Hope you’re having a great week. It’s funny to me that sometimes, I don’t even get to the best parts of my day or week. I just start going off on a tangent. Oh well. That’s predictable too.

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