Two Forward One Back… Are We Dancing Yet?

For the most part, I had a nice day. Work is stressful but busy so it makes the time go by. I was getting bombarded all day with invitations to do weird shit tonight but I had declined all offers knowing that I had plans. My day was going to be work, workout, TV or movies with THE friend and an early night. My day went work, workout, dinner with friends and an early night, maybe.

Around 7ish, when I hadn’t heard from THE friend, I’d texted him and he’d “forgotten”. Here’s the thing, my days are packed. I have work shit all over the place, meetings, appointments and friends to see and none of them nor me “forget” plans. I have the worst memory but I try to put a lot of things in my phone so that it reminds me. But since this doesn’t happen with anyone else I have to recognize my feelings about it. Forgetting plans translates to forgetting that person. Forgetting me? Well, I’m so sorry that I’m not some magically glittery unicorn that excites you enough for you to remember one day of plans.

That was my initial reaction. Then it changed a bit. My boss is a lot like THE friend and he forgets shit all the time. BUT he never forgets the fun or cool shit. That’s always the first thing he remembers. So then I start to think “Wow, I’m neither cool nor fun enough to remember. Awesome”. Then I want to cry a bit. I realize that this one instance and this one word “forgot” makes me feel so unimportant and invisible. Then I realize that this is just bringing out all my insecurities and making me realize why I can’t get emotionally invested in this friendship again.

Now, I’m not five years old so if plans had changed that’s a whole other story. I’m fine with that. Shit happens (as they say). But I was FORGOTTEN! And for some reason I feel small and insignificant to one fucking person and it changes my mood. I realize that this is stupid because I have a shitload of other people that don’t feel that way about me, that don’t forget plans with me and that make me realize my worth. So why does one person make me change those ideas? It’s bullshit and I’m pissed. I’m pissed at myself for caring, for expecting anything and because I let this bother me. I’m pissed because I give up power where he’s concern. I’m angry at myself for giving a shit.

On the drive home, I had this weird conversation in my head with his side being something like, “It’s not a big deal. I forget shit all the time. Get over it.” My side of it was trying to explain that what if we’d made plans, you were going to cook dinner and were waiting for me and I just never showed up and never texted you at all. How would that make you feel? It made logical sense to me in my mind, while having this fictional conversation. At the end of it I screamed one long loud primal scream in hopes that it would get out of my system knowing that my last resort was to capture it here to get it out of my head because God forbid a female has an emotion.

That being said, do I bring this up. Nope, because I can’t care anymore. I can’t let this shit bother me. It really is like we take two steps forward and one back except it’s not a dance and I’m not having any fun. But apparently I’m the only one who gives a shit so it’s really just my problem anyway right?

Obviously, if I didn’t get angry then I wouldn’t care but now I feel the need to distance myself and put up a wall again. My wall, in the past, has been so thick that nothing could penetrate it and only then did I not get hurt. Those were better days for pain, or lack thereof except I also didn’t let the good stuff in either. Since my life is about balance, health and getting to a better place I can’t do that again. I can’t go back there again but I also can’t keep doing this.

It seemed like a small thing but it’s not because it brings out all my insecurities and all the things that were wrong with our friendship in the past. The last time we hung out it was good. I even thanked him for trying so hard (the two steps forward) and now this. If I was to write words on a picture of me right now they’d say things like “insecure, forgettable, disrespected, not good enough, small, insignificant” but I know that those are only temporary and that I can’t allow myself to believe those things. Even if he thinks of me that way no one else does so why should I care anymore.

As I said, I was having a nice day. But now, it’s out of my system a bit so I’m going to go to bed early and forget this shit as easily as he did. I have a good busy week ahead so this is just a bump in the road, I just wish it didn’t damage my heart a bit.

Hope you’re all having a good day.

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Both The Downside and the Upside of Being Healthier…

I’ve talked about my “paleo journey” before and how I always feel better while eating clean but there’s a few downsides to getting healthier as well. I’ll put up with them but I just want you to know that it’s not all sunshine and Rocky type glory over here.

First, I’m reading The Wild Diet By: Abel James He’s great and I’ve been following him for years but I also downloaded the audiobook because I knew I’d have better luck listen to it in the car. He talks A LOT about getting a healthier sex drive. Um, pretty sure that’s impossible for me. If my sex drive was any healthier I’d probably start humping random men in line at the grocery store buying my pasteurized, farm fresh, organic whatever.

Next, it’s actually a bit more expensive for me. That’s not much of a problem but so many of my friends assume that the only quality time we can spend together is going out to dinner. So, I give in and then I’m left trying to eat 7 pounds of kale and 8 pounds of wild catch salmon in one sitting which defeats the purpose. This means that I have to retrain social time. So, eating out less SHOULD compensate the difference or even save me money.

However, just to be on the safe side, I canceled my kickboxing class which was almost $500.00 a month. That’s a lot right now. I still have my gym membership and when I feel strong enough to go lift like a boss or have someone that can train me then I’ll back to that instead. But I do love my kickboxing and in the interim I have my Wii… Don’t judge me. The Wii is awesome. You can run, do yoga, dance AND kickbox. It is like a little trainer inside a little box.

How crazy do you all think I am now? Well, I know what’s worked for me in the past and I just need the motivation to keep this going forever now instead of the excuse that “Life got in the way”. Guess what? Life is the way. Yeah, seems like a simplistic thing to remember but I seem to forget that a lot.

But I went grocery shopping tonight. Worked out with my Wii. I took a nice relaxing shower and now the rest of the evening is mine, until someone breaks the silence and by someone I mean any one of my friends and because I’m scared of being un-zen’ed I’ve turned off my phone for the night.

The problem with getting healthier is that your friends are usually NOT on the same schedule as me which means they’ll be chugging soda, eating cake and loafing when I’m trying not to do any of those things. You can try to explain your situation but some just don’t get it. That’s why it’s nice to have at least one person in your life that’s kind of on the same path as you. You can eat the same foods, talk about the latest zen thing you’re into and maybe get healthy together.

So this was my early boring post tonight so that I can eat some hummus, strawberries with coconut whip cream and go to bed early… I never say that. Well, I might have said that but it usually NEVER happens. I usually always see the backside of midnight at the earliest. I also have a few things to put in my #jarchallenge. I have no idea why I hashtag that. I promise I’m not an asshole.

Hope you are all having a great week and I promise to not turn into one of those crazy paleo health nut bloggers, not that there’s anything wrong with that but this is more about my dating or lack of a dating life than anything.

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My Lesson For Today…

You remember those little classes that I take when I get bored or stagnant? Well, I’m still in the process of taking one. It’s the one that homeworked me to write a letter to each of the people in my life that meant something to me and tell them what they mean. Of course, I never actually sent it out because that wasn’t part of the assignment and that would have meant showing actual feelings or whatever. You know how I’m allergic to those darn feelings. Well, tonight, it’s asked something else of me and that’s to share what each person close to you has taught you.

This exercise not only makes you realize that not all the bad is actually bad but makes you think about the lesson in every moment. So, being the good little student that I never was I thought I’d do that here, again. That way it’s in the universe but without the acknowledgement that I’ve actually had to share these feelings outwardly. Here we go again:

To my BFF – She’s taught me that no matter what prognosis you receive there is always a life that you’ll have to lead during and after. You HAVE to chose life and keep going, even when your mind has told you there’s no point. She’s taught me that people can argue and disagree but that’s ok and it’s not the end of the world or the relationship. Most thankfully though, she’s taught me what a real sibling sister relationship is. She came to live with our family for a while back in High School and she had a job that took her out of the running for a lot of the weekend hi-jinks that I used to get myself into. She worked as a waitress and by the time she was getting home from work, I was getting home from partying (I had a day job). I’d go wake her up out of her deep sleep and tell her all about he evening. By the time I was done she’d be awake and I’d be ready for bed. We’d always laughed that that’s how that went. Even now, when we get in our gab sessions on the phone I still do that to her. It’s the little things in life.

To my GBF – He’s taught me to accept the things I can not change and to try to stay positive through out it all. He’s also taught me that even when you think there’s nothing left to give, there’s always just a bit more juice at the bottom. When I first met him we were both working for one of the largest oil companies, in the customer service department. There had been a huge problem with racism and some of the higher ups of the company hadbeen recorded saying some of the most horrible things about Black people. We’d had customer calling from both sides of the coin. Some were just absolutely outraged and wanted nothing to do with the company, their gas or their credit cards. The other side were these racist a-holes that would freely use the n-word at the drop of a hat. Well, my GBF is a black man and one day he was training me which meant that I was basically listening in on phone calls that he took. Towards the end of the training session, he’d taken one call from a racist, stupid redneck who spewed the n-word as easy as saying “Hi”. He was applauding the company for doing what they were doing and said that they had his full support. My GBF sat there. Listened to this man and responded with nothing but kindness, understanding and poise. This was a long tirade from the man on the phone and I was offended. I would not have lasted as long as my friend but after the call, he asked for a moment, gently put his headset down and left. I still, to this day, don’t know what he did after that but I’ve never seen someone be so calm or collected in a situation that would have well warranted none of his patience. I appreciate being able to tell that story because I witnessed compassion for the first real time in my life.

To THE friend – I’ve learned a LOT from this one. I’ve learned patience, understanding, love and strength. I’ve also learned to put the knives down in the dishwasher 🙂 I’ve been able to witness, lately, a transformation of a person that had the will to live even though it was buried deep down but who’s forcing it to the surface, finally. He’s taught me what I want out of life and he’s taught me to be a better human. He’s also taught me that gifts don’t have to be monetary in order to count. For such a long time I’ve been around people that show you your self-worth by giving you things that others would convent. My dad started that when we were children. Instead of ever using the L-word, he’d just buy expensive gifts and that was his way. I suppose I found that in men, later in life as well. This might just be one of the most valuable gifts because you see the thought in a note, an email, a cooked dinner. The cleaning and organizing of something and these actions mean so much more. It’s tough to look at someone who has such low self-worth and who thinks that their best isn’t good enough and to make them believe that it’s not only good enough but it’s far better than anything else they or anyone else could have done. I know that I don’t do a good job conveying those thoughts to him. Sometimes I feel like I’ve failed in making him understand how amazing he is but then I have to stop myself and realize that he’ll get there when he needs to get there and that if my words help at all then maybe they’ll be tiny little stepping stones for him to use to get to a higher self. This doesn’t mean we’re perfect. I still have my insecure moments that think, “He’ll leave any day now” or that “I’ll be replaced soon enough” but I can no longer focus on those “if’s”.

And the homework is done for tonight. It wasn’t even that hard to think of all that because it’s always in the back of my mind. These are why these people are in my life. Every person has a purpose and for me, those reason are that. Plus, it’s always nice to say something nice about someone close to you even if they don’t ever see it. Also, I had a bit of a negative evening and this has taken me out of the negative space that I was in. It wasn’t even about me. It was about someone else’s negativity. But I digress.

That is my post for tonight. Hope you’re all having a great week.

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Happy VD…(Valentine’s Day)

Something you might not know about Valentine’s Day is that the actual day stems from Ancient Rome as a pagan fertility festival. This entailed sacrificing animals and whipping women with animal skins until they bled to signify their fertility. (Courtesy of Cosmopolitan through Flipboard) Sexy and romantic stuff right there huh? But that is not a precursor to my summation of today.

I had a pretty low key day while doing some cleaning, a bit of exercise and some napping. I’d had a long night last night so it was warranted. But THE friend came over, which is a good thing considering I thought he’d cancel in hopes that I wouldn’t get the wrong idea but he didn’t.

Tonight was good, as I sit here with my coconut oil face mask on going through the events. He kept off his phone the entire time which I would have complimented him on but he’d beaten me to the punch. He brought dinner. We had a decently pleasant connection going on. We were very playful and there was a situation with a printer that made me think he was going to lose it or scream but he kept calm and asked for help (I think, in his way).

Being that I decompress here though I’ll tell you the one thing that I didn’t like. While I’ve always been aware of his “lack of strong feelings” towards me aside from friendship, I feel like he says or does these things intentionally that are for the purpose of proving that there’s no feelings there. I want to scream, “I get it! You’re not attracted to me.”

The other part that’s hard is that we are so very similar in so many ways. He has these reactions to things that are a lot like mine except I can see why he’s done or said something and react how I’d want someone to react but then also trying to react in such a way to make sure he knows that I know that there’s no future with us. It’s kind of an exhausting process sometimes. But, the reason it’s hard to be similar and have a lot of things in common is because that’s the type of shit you want in a relationship.

So, we have all the ingredients of a good relationship like common interests, an understanding of each others flaws, a few friends in common, a history, a desire to fix what’s wrong and to hopefully support each other in life’s common goals and even though we have our bad days, we acknowledge them, bounce back and I don’t think either of us are afraid to admit our mistakes or to apologize for making them AND trying to fix the mistakes. Yes, all the ingredients of a great relationship except without the sex or dating each other. I’ve said before that this is the universe’s cruel joke on me.

But with being said, I enjoy our time together. I wished I wasn’t the Sunday, Wednesday girl because yes, I have some idea that there’s a Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday girl as well and just maybe they get to see the fun parts of him more than I do. The fact of the matter is that I don’t care what he’s doing when we’re not together, as long as he’s not hurting himself in anyway by his behavior; however, it’s the idea that someone else gets to see a better side to him that I find myself being a bit jealous over. I don’t do jealous and I’d never admit that to anyone but you, on here.

At the end of the day though, I’ll take the Sundays and the Wednesdays because they work. I miss him sleeping over and am well aware that adults should probably not have sleepovers unless their friends are drunk but he provides a comfort that helps me sleep better. I’m happy to have not spent V-Day alone and I’m happy with our time together. I realize that most of the issues that came from tonight are mine and inside my head, not his. I also know that this friendship is teaching me how to be better in a relationship so maybe when “the one” comes along then I’ll be more than ready.

I also realize that his new state scared me for a while because I was afraid that he wouldn’t need me anymore. I’m also trying to not look at this relationship with an expiration date and to live in the moment more. I really do value more of him than he realizes and he does give me more than he thinks he has been able to give. It’s just in different forms. Some, he’ll probably never even know about.

All in all it was a good weekend. Hope you all did as well.

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Throwing Out Some Therapy…

I’ve told you all that I like to read and learn things right? Well, in my journey to be a better and more understanding person, I’ve read lots of books on mental health, psychology, PTSD and grief. Know why? Because A LOT of shit has happened to me in my life that wasn’t great and also to a lot of people that I know. I like to act as a therapist sometimes especially when I can see someone hurting and know that I might be able to do something about it. Today, I got to throw out some therapy which I was surprised was so well received.

The day started early (for me) while planning out my week of health and then it was off to my friend and insurance agents home for my monthly hair “trim”. There’s a lady that used to be a high end stylist till she realized that her clients were a-holes so she decided to leave that and just keep her family and friends as clients so once a month she travels to a bunch of homes and does her thing. Because I’ve always done something to my hair, color, straighten or heat the crap out of it, it’s been pretty over processed in the past but since I’ve been seeing her it’s so much healthier. But this time I wanted a change. It’s been slowly getting back to it’s natural color but that wasn’t enough. Today, I just decided to have her chop off half a foot. Sounds much more drastic that way than saying six inches doesn’t it?

She kept asking, “Are you sure? You really want to do this?”. Well, since she’s know me I’ve been the long, long haired really blonde girl but my response to her was, “Yep, it’s hair. It’ll grow back”. However, women get very emotionally attached to their hair. But with that said it was very cathartic to chop so much off. I felt like some of the bad shit that’s happened had been removed a bit. It’s healthier. I look younger and it’s kinda cute.

The reason I brought that up was because I was explaining the process of getting rid of things and then turned the conversation to my friend, the insurance broker. She’s much older than me but we’ve always gotten along because we don’t bullshit each other. I first met her probably a decade ago and she was happily married to an amazing man. It was just the two of them and a whole lotta dogs. After about a year or so something changed in her husband and he became so drastically depressed. She knew it was a warning sign and she tried everything to do what she could but he was so far gone that one day he decided to brutally take his own life, in the bedroom.

She saw everything. She witnessed the aftermath of the bedroom and him after the most selfish thing he’d done. I can’t imagine, not just losing someone whom you consider the love of your life, but to witness the carnage left behind. Sometimes humans shock me in the most honest, vulnerable yet strong ways ever with how she handled things. 

For a long time she was pushing back all her emotions and she’d even admitted later that if she didn’t carry so much Jewish guilt over suicide she might have followed him. She battles daily with the thought that he’s no longer here. She stayed in the house, had some things redone but his presents is everywhere in that home. She holds so much emotional attachment and anger towards him that I’ve tried many times to explain to her that she needs to release that anger or it will kill her from the inside out.

So there we were today, in her kitchen with our hair stylist and half a foot of my hair is dropping all around me. I was surprisingly calm and I looked at her face and she was just in shock. I explained to her that part of the Buddhist philosophy (not that I’m 100% there) was about dropping your emotional attachments to things and people. Letting go… You’ve all heard the phrase, “Let go and let God” right? Well the Buddhist believe that while we carry these ‘investments’ in tangible items we’re shorting our lives for their true worth.

I didn’t get that corny about it but this was all for more than just releasing her husband. She’d started dating someone a while ago and for the first time in the years since her husband past, this guy is truly a great guy. I don’t mean he had money or a great job, I have no clue about that stuff, but what I do know is this man takes care of her and forces her to let his. She’s a tough strong woman and rarely has relied on someone else and especially NOT a man. So, I asked for one thing for my birthday since she wanted to get me something. I’d asked her to take something that was her husbands that meant a lot and put it away for 30 days. Out of sight.

At this point, I really thought she was going to tell me to eff off. But I could see what her near issue would be. Her new man wanted to move it and she was going to have a huge issue getting rid of her past. All I wanted her to do was to put it away for just a short time. It’s more about moving past those things and it’s really hard to do that while ever corner you turn there’s another reminder. There is literally 90% of that home that reminds her of him. But shockingly enough, she actually did it. I think her action was less about me than about her finally wanting to move on.

I’d also asked her to do one other thing. This, to me, was the most important. She was to write her husband a letter. This would be a letter releasing every single emotion she’s still holding on to, the anger, the sadness and the guilt. She’s been given till the next time we meet to write this letter. Then it’ll be her choice whether to burn it or keep it but in my experience the burning of the letter symbolizes more about letting things go than anything but it’s her choice.

It’s strange but such a simple act of me cutting my hair may have helped someone who’s been suffering for the longest time with things that are out of her control and things that she can’t change. I pray that this lightens her life just a bit so she can totally and completely let the new guy in.

Now, if I can only take my own advice at times. Maybe if I did I wouldn’t feel like there’s such a wall between me and the people I care about the most. I’m working on one thing at a time but today made me realize that much more how much I need a man in my life that can take over for me when I’m feeling weak. I think I said it best in this previous post Letter To My Future Husband Sometimes, even when we’re not ok, helping others is the best way to get there. I need to remember that every single day.

And that, my friends, was my excruciatingly long post for today. Hope you’re having a great weekend.

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What’s Wrong with Being Wrong… The Other List.

So many times I’ve written about what I want to find in a man. You know, the smooth hairless chest, the direct eye contact and the passion for something worth while. Well, now it’s time to write about what I DON’T want in a man. I wish I could say that this list wasn’t from first hand experiences today but I’d be lying if I said that. Here we go:

I don’t want a man that…
– thinks that dating is a sport.
– that can’t admit when he’s wrong.
– that can’t make direct eye contact with you.
– that never has anything nice to say to you.
– that flirts with every woman just because he can.
– that is afraid to cry.
– that hasn’t worked for anything in his life.
– crap just comes easy to.
– that can’t open up about something real.
– that feels that vulnerability is a weakness.
– that can’t be kind and loving.
– who thinks that every woman should look like a cover model.
– who thinks that women should all be barefoot and pregnant.
– who is close minded.
– lies about anything.
– seeks instant gratification.
– that’s scared of emotions or of feeling or being real.
– is scared of losing something yet doing nothing about it.
– always thinks there’s something better somewhere else.
– that can’t be content in the moment right now.
– that isn’t supportive of my passions, dreams or goals.
– that doesn’t know what my passions, dreams and goals even are.
– that can’t see the humor in life.
– that is so self-involved that they can’t see two inches in front of their own noses
– that doesn’t like dogs.
– that doesn’t like children.
– that likes or has cats.
– that only wants something when he can’t have it anymore.
– that doesn’t believe in God, family or friends.
– that takes shit for granted.
– that steamrolls over people to get where they think they need to be.
– who thinks he’s better than every one else.
– who takes and takes and never gives back.
– who doesn’t work for what they want.
– who can’t force me to share, or love or be real.
– who forgets about people when they’re no longer needed.
– who cares more about money that humans.
– who can’t ask me the tough questions.
– who’s scared to tell me that I am wrong or that I’ve done something wrong.

Those are just the things that pop into my head right now. It might be that time of the month. (Sorry boys but ovulation has me in a very truthful place.) It’s just that I’ve focused so much on what I do want, which is what you’re supposed to do but I’ve never really put down on paper what I don’t want.

I guess a lot of that stems from spending time with wrong people, especially men. I need to see greatness in someone to keep my attention or at least the passion to at least strive to do better without all the other crap about. I know that I can’t “poof” and make this man appear but someone who comes close would be noticed at this point.

How many times do I have to say that I’m tired of waiting and why do all the wrong men chose to salt my life? There’s only a few good ones. I’m not sure if this makes me sad or frustrated at this point. Maybe my friend from the northeast was right. Maybe I’m just not a conventional girl. Maybe normal is something that I don’t get to have. I hope that is not the case because, right now, normal feels like the only thing that I want.

Hope you are all having a good week. I think I’m going to chop all my hair off tomorrow for a change. Actually, I have no idea what I’m going to do.

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Waiting for Love

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Romancing the Stoned…

I’ll share something that I rarely do. It’s a recipe. I’m a half-ass paleo. Yep, that’s me without the whole “In your face with it 24 hours a day” self. Tonight has been the first night in a long while that I decided to stay home and cook. While I’m actually a really good cook, I barely ever do. I have some sort of phobia of leftovers. It’s a thing, I swear. However, tonight, the spaghetti squash that I bought a while ago was giving me the saddest look so I decided to finally cook it and because it was awesome I’m going to give you my recipe at the end of this post, which was smashed together from about 5 different pins on pinterest.

Before my recipe I’ll let you about my day today. First, if I see one more heart shaped anything I’m going to stab it. I have never been a fan of a forced holiday even if it does promote love. Second, even when I was in a relationship with someone I’d usually choose to spend this day with friends that were single. It just made more sense. Do we really need a day to say, “Hey honey, I need to prove my love to you by buying you something expensive so in the hopes that you’ll reciprocate on steak and bj day?” I have no problem reciprocating but I also don’t need a day that tells me to do it. My boss was all excited about his steak and bj day and all I could think is, “Why does that only happen on one day of the year? That’s weird.”

I bring this up because an old FWB called the other day. He’d asked if I wanted to go to dinner. I couldn’t think of anything worse so I declined but he has been pretty pushy about it. He and I had LOTS of fun back in the day but we’d both gone our separate ways a long time ago. I finally just asked him what his deal was and his response was, “I’ve been dreaming about you lately. Nothing crazy but it made me miss you. You’ve been in my thoughts a lot lately.”

I understand the whole, “In your dreams” thing. Trust me but I’m not sure it always means that you need to see that person. Maybe it means that there’s unresolved issues or something. But what I do remember about him was that he was a romantic pothead. He was sweet but knowing we were just having fun he’d do these weirdly romantic things that I’d expect a boyfriend to do.

When I was telling someone about this today, it brought up the whole romantic or sexy conversation. I think he was trying to get pointers for his V-Day. I told him I was a bit weird but I write about what I think is sexy a lot. I guess I don’t really write about what is romantic to me. Sometimes they’re one in the same I guess. It’s been such a long time that I have no idea if any of these things would work on me anymore 😦 . That’s a sad thought. Also, I can’t even tell when someone is flirting anymore. I just assume they’re all being nice until they respond with some blatant outburst. That’s what I need, blatant outburst.

I just got of the phone with my friend from the northeast. He’d made the comment to me that I probably don’t want a “normal” life. I told him that the more and more I grow up the more I crave some sort of normalcy, some sort of routine. I do want that right now. The house, the 2.5 kids, the husband. I’m just not sure when or if that’s ever going to come. I know. I say that a lot. It’s just, when it was right in front of me, for the taking, I didn’t know I wanted it or wasn’t ready. So, I pray. I know what I want now. That should make things easier right?

Hope you’re all having a great week. I have no idea what my weekend has in store for me yet.

And below is the recipe if you’re interested.

1 spaghetti squash – (because I’m lazy) cook in the microwave for about 20 minutes. After 10 minutes stab it about 20 times but don’t stab yourself. It WILL be effing HOT so use a mitt or something. Then put it back in to cook for the remainder on the opposite side. Let it sit in the microwave for another few minutes. Put a pan on the stove. Put on low heat and add garlic, butter and lemon juice (a crap load). While that’s all merging together, cut the squash in two. It’s best to use a serrated knife or you might run the risk of it sliding and dropping on your foot which would suck because it’s hot and heavy. So you’d have a broken burnt foot. Then, with a fork scrape the crap out of the inside and dump in the pan. Turn the heat up a bit and since there will be so much squash, more than you’ll ever need, put more butter. I put some basil in there too and lemon salt. Cook for about another 10 minutes. Next, dump a crap load of parmesan cheese and turn off the heat. Now go do something for about 5 minutes, whatever. Now eat it and love it because you’ll be eating it for days. I’m not kidding. There’s a shitload of extra. Anyway enjoy that.

romancing-the-stove-cookbook