I’m getting back into running which is something I’ve loved to do for a long time but, as I’ve said before “Life got in the way”. But since I’m so very focused this time around on getting to a better place in my life then it’s part of my journey. I want to get back to doing the things I love and miss. It seemed like my #jarchallenge was filling up pretty quickly at the beginning of the year but has vastly taken a back seat to the crap that happens. It’s a good thing that I don’t have a jar for the crappy things in life, it might be winning right now.
My main focus is getting back into a paleo lifestyle which is where I found my best self. Back then, I’d also been going to this Buddhist meditation on Monday’s because I found there to be some solace in the temple. The Buddhist Monk that spoke focused on five things: wisdom, kindness, compassion, karma and love. Even in my most cold hearted times of life I tried to focus on all those things. A lot of my kindness, love or compassion was done in secret or with sarcasm so as not to show my true colors.
The main thing I knew and still believe with every fiber of my being is karma. I believe that for every kind and loving action or word you give to someone else you also receive but that’s also true with the bad. So when something bad happens, even something as simple as tripping and falling down, I start to evaluate my life and the things I’ve done. I try to suss out what I’ve done wrong. If someone says something mean or uncaring to me I wonder if I’ve said something about someone else and that’s why it’s coming back. If I spill my coffee I wonder if I’ve done something that I shouldn’t have.
The reason I bring this up is because of my last two posts. I’ve said so many times that I wanted to focus on the good things and not go back and remember the bad; however, THE friend makes me question all the things I’ve done in my past but, in a strange twist of fate, I’ve never been more compassionate, kind or giving to another human than I have with him and yet I feel that all the negativity has got to be some form of punishment for something I’ve done in my past.
That’s what my running has me doing. It acts as my meditation but so does this blog as well. So what I was thinking is that I pray, I volunteer, I am kind, I work hard and I try to be a better person than I was the day before. But for some reason it’s never good enough in this particular friendship. Why is that? Why is my best not good enough when I’ve never been better to anyone else? Then I try to say things like, “Let go and let God”. Maybe I’ll be shown the light at the end of the tunnel soon but what if I’m not? What do I do then?
I fear that I may never know the truth and that I may never get what I deserve in this friendship but I continue to be kind, caring and loving. I try to not harp on the bad things and I try to consider the fact that someday, somewhere, someone will come along and pay me back the karma that I’ve given to THE friend in some amazingly blessed form. I don’t stick around because I feel that I HAVE to and I don’t stick around because of some guilt or because I’m stupid. I’m still here because I feel like there’s purpose to it all. He’s someone that I truly love and care about and you don’t just abandon people when things aren’t perfect.
That’s the part I struggle with too though because that’s exactly what he did. He abandoned this relationship and it still stings every time I realize that when the going gets good in his life, he leaves this friendship. I’ve still never actually been explained why he is friends with me. That sounds strange to say but I’ve asked him to articulate this relationship and what it means to him but he’s never truly done that. I’m sure he’s afraid that once he puts a label on it or defines his terms of what this is then I’ll feel like it’s not as special as I think it is or whatever. Truth is I never actually know what he thinks or feels so I have absolutely no idea and one day, I might just realize that that’s not ok anymore.
I’ve said a lot that he makes me feel as though I’m not good enough but the truth is, I know that I am for everyone else but him. There’s things that happen daily from others actions, words or other things that help me to realize that I am. He literally makes ME feel like I’M NOT good enough for him and I’m starting to realize that even if that never changes in his mind then I have to accept that and he’s only one star in a sky full of them that oppose his thoughts. It’s never jaded my opinion of who I think he is and maybe it should but life isn’t about being mean or judging someone just because they do that to you. It just makes me want to love them more instead, at least with him anyway.
This will be the last thing I write about him for a while because I don’t have much to write that makes me feel great. The one thing that I wish and pray for a lot is that no one ever makes him feel the way that he makes me feel sometimes because it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve felt before but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? I’m hoping more than ever that that is the case.
Hope you’re all having a great week. Be nicer to the people in your life if even just for today.