It’s been a minute since I’ve last written and my last post I was feeling pretty crappy about things. I’m not sure much has changed, in that aspect. First, the beginning of my weekend. We’ll start there cause then it might go a bit downhill after that.
My GBF’s sister’s birthday is today and he wanted to take her to Austin so she could have dinner at this place off Lake Travis. We’d made this plan. We were going to leave early Saturday drive to my brothers, hang for a while then go to the restaurant around the time the sun sets and meet up with a few other people. We’d gotten a bit of a late start but pretty much flew there and the plan went accordingly. We were all having a great time. Family, friends (new and old) and of course my niece and my BFF were there. We were all joking and playing and having a great time. The drive back was a great karaoke of 80’s hits which were being sung too loudly. We ended up getting home a bit later than expected around 11 but nothing too drastic.
I came in, changed and went to have drinks with a friend very late Saturday. He’s an old but great friend. We were telling these stories to his friends about some of our ‘good ole times’ and it was happy and fun. We were all having a blast. Towards the end of the night or I guess I should say early morning, he walked me to my car. We’d leaned against it for a bit and giggled at a few things and then he leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t forcefully with passion, it wasn’t in hopes of getting laid, it was just something he wanted to do right then and he did. I respect those types of actions. It lasted longer than it should have but it made me realize just how much I miss that. You know? All the Oxytocin that runs through your body after that. So, we kissed a bit more then said our goodbyes with promises to get together soon but I don’t know if I want to yet.
So, after a great Saturday, you know my “read somewhere wisdom” about getting seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day makes someone healthy? Yeah, so I was feeling pretty great. One of those days that you kind of don’t want to end but eventually I had to get to sleep. I was having THE friend come over the next day (or later that day) and he was going to make a healthy meal. We hadn’t seen or talked to each other since the “he forgot about me” incident but I was looking forward to it. I was going to leave the bad where it was and start fresh. No judgement, no grudges and was hoping to continue the vibe from the day before’s fun.
He came, a bit later than what I’d thought. I’d cleaned the kitchen. Bought a few things he’d requested after he bought the other half of the ingredients and I’d worked out a bit and added to my motivational wall of determination. I was ready for some more fun. He walked in with a sigh which felt like a “Ugh, I’m here again like an appointment” sigh. Went straight into the kitchen and just went to work. Talking to himself mostly. A few “where’s this” or “could you get this” sternly from him and that’s when it started…
Nothing I had was good enough. I’d bought the wrong this, or this was shitty or this was wrong. I have shitty this and that and NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH! I was trying really hard to not just walk out or scream or cry. Then when he starts out like that I start retreating into my own head and become small, so small and quiet. Then he gets mad because I don’t speak up but it’s because he’s already made me feel like shits never good enough. Then we eat and since we eat over “our TV shows” there’s no conversation. There’s no engaging.
After dinner, he was doing something on his computer which was important however, still no conversation. He does this thing when I don’t fast forward the commercials so I did it back and because he’s so into whatever he’s doing he yells at me. At this point, I’m feeling like a child that can’t seem to do anything right. I want to cry, a lot but again, why? What’s the point anymore?
On his way out the door, he’d asked about hanging out on Wednesday and I said no for two reasons. First, our last two Wednesday’s hadn’t worked out and two because HE JUST MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT, AGAIN. I feel like he thinks I said no because of some sort of punishment because he forgot but I’m trying so damn hard to not care anymore because this is still one sided. This is still not and never where this was in the beginning. I remember when we used to have fun and laugh and do new and exciting things but now it just feels like a chore or an appointment for him.
So, you are all asking why I keep doing this to myself right? Well, at first, there was such a strong connection that I felt toward him and yes, the whole being in love thing was a lot of it. You want to talk about Oxytocin? Even though he’s never and will never have those feelings for me he still acted with love, and care (sometimes) but he was also playful and did the hand holding and the inappropriate touching which I craved because I hated it from most others. I knew it didn’t mean anything to him but it was where a lot of my good feelings about us were coming from. Being around him for one day gave me the 7 hugs, kisses (not compliments) that I needed to leave some of the bad shit behind us.
I still believe that there’s a whole lot of women out there who get to see a really great, nice and caring man that I don’t get to see. I really don’t know why HE keeps wanting to do this dance we do. On a good day it’s great but on a bad day, he makes me question myself which isn’t healthy, fair and it’s certainly NOT what I deserve. I deserve a friendship that grows and that is caring and that is helpful and NOT one that has me dripping tears in between key strokes. I am not this fragile and sensitive or at least I wasn’t. But it just makes me think about all the people who get his best and I don’t understand why I’m not on that list after what we’ve been through. This is bullshit.
The first guy that I was truly in love with, who I still work with, and I have this ritual. He usually brings his lunch and heats it up early. While he’s waiting he’ll come into my office, sit down and say, “So, ‘insert nickname here’, did you have a good weekend? What did you do?” I respond, “Yes, ‘insert nickname here’ I did such-and-such. How was yours? What did you do?” and we talk about things for a few moments. He and I have worked together for almost 17 years and known each other for almost 20. But we still have conversations, some meaningful some not so much. We ask each other questions, ask about problems that we’re going through. We still care enough about each other to TALK to each other and to GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE OTHER. It’s never forced conversation. There are no other feelings there but respect and friendship but that’s how things SHOULD BE!
Maybe the oxytocin from the sex that THE friend and I shared once three plus years ago has finally worn off completely. Maybe there’s just nothing good left here. Maybe I’m just beating a dead horse as they say. Maybe I should let him out of this invisible contract that I feel that he thinks he’s in. He can go forth with making all his other friends happy and sharing things with them that he can’t seem to do with me. I should tell him that he’s served his time or community service and isn’t under any obligations any longer to HAVE to spend time “working” on this friendship. I’m sure he’s got other ‘people’ he’d rather be with.
Yes, I’m well aware that all sounds horrible and probably jealous or whatever but if I felt that I got half of the nice words that others got this wouldn’t seem so futile to me. Maybe I am a masochist or maybe God is still mad at me. I have no idea because I really can’t understand why THIS makes me feel as bad as it does. Sometimes, I feel like, since he’s working on his life and he’s getting to a better place that I’m a starter friendship or that I’m the test subject. I still feels so very replaceable which is the worst word EVER to use in a friendship and I’ve never used it before for any other.
I miss those days I was a cold hearted bitch that didn’t give a shit. I miss the days when his actions didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I miss the days when he didn’t make me cry. I miss the days when it meant more to write about the boy on Saturday who WANTED to spend time with me verses the boy who just didn’t have anything else to do that night. I miss the days when I wasn’t a Sunday and half-ass Wednesday girls. I think I’m still pretty envious of the other nights of the week girls in his world.