Two Forward One Back… Are We Dancing Yet?

For the most part, I had a nice day. Work is stressful but busy so it makes the time go by. I was getting bombarded all day with invitations to do weird shit tonight but I had declined all offers knowing that I had plans. My day was going to be work, workout, TV or movies with THE friend and an early night. My day went work, workout, dinner with friends and an early night, maybe.

Around 7ish, when I hadn’t heard from THE friend, I’d texted him and he’d “forgotten”. Here’s the thing, my days are packed. I have work shit all over the place, meetings, appointments and friends to see and none of them nor me “forget” plans. I have the worst memory but I try to put a lot of things in my phone so that it reminds me. But since this doesn’t happen with anyone else I have to recognize my feelings about it. Forgetting plans translates to forgetting that person. Forgetting me? Well, I’m so sorry that I’m not some magically glittery unicorn that excites you enough for you to remember one day of plans.

That was my initial reaction. Then it changed a bit. My boss is a lot like THE friend and he forgets shit all the time. BUT he never forgets the fun or cool shit. That’s always the first thing he remembers. So then I start to think “Wow, I’m neither cool nor fun enough to remember. Awesome”. Then I want to cry a bit. I realize that this one instance and this one word “forgot” makes me feel so unimportant and invisible. Then I realize that this is just bringing out all my insecurities and making me realize why I can’t get emotionally invested in this friendship again.

Now, I’m not five years old so if plans had changed that’s a whole other story. I’m fine with that. Shit happens (as they say). But I was FORGOTTEN! And for some reason I feel small and insignificant to one fucking person and it changes my mood. I realize that this is stupid because I have a shitload of other people that don’t feel that way about me, that don’t forget plans with me and that make me realize my worth. So why does one person make me change those ideas? It’s bullshit and I’m pissed. I’m pissed at myself for caring, for expecting anything and because I let this bother me. I’m pissed because I give up power where he’s concern. I’m angry at myself for giving a shit.

On the drive home, I had this weird conversation in my head with his side being something like, “It’s not a big deal. I forget shit all the time. Get over it.” My side of it was trying to explain that what if we’d made plans, you were going to cook dinner and were waiting for me and I just never showed up and never texted you at all. How would that make you feel? It made logical sense to me in my mind, while having this fictional conversation. At the end of it I screamed one long loud primal scream in hopes that it would get out of my system knowing that my last resort was to capture it here to get it out of my head because God forbid a female has an emotion.

That being said, do I bring this up. Nope, because I can’t care anymore. I can’t let this shit bother me. It really is like we take two steps forward and one back except it’s not a dance and I’m not having any fun. But apparently I’m the only one who gives a shit so it’s really just my problem anyway right?

Obviously, if I didn’t get angry then I wouldn’t care but now I feel the need to distance myself and put up a wall again. My wall, in the past, has been so thick that nothing could penetrate it and only then did I not get hurt. Those were better days for pain, or lack thereof except I also didn’t let the good stuff in either. Since my life is about balance, health and getting to a better place I can’t do that again. I can’t go back there again but I also can’t keep doing this.

It seemed like a small thing but it’s not because it brings out all my insecurities and all the things that were wrong with our friendship in the past. The last time we hung out it was good. I even thanked him for trying so hard (the two steps forward) and now this. If I was to write words on a picture of me right now they’d say things like “insecure, forgettable, disrespected, not good enough, small, insignificant” but I know that those are only temporary and that I can’t allow myself to believe those things. Even if he thinks of me that way no one else does so why should I care anymore.

As I said, I was having a nice day. But now, it’s out of my system a bit so I’m going to go to bed early and forget this shit as easily as he did. I have a good busy week ahead so this is just a bump in the road, I just wish it didn’t damage my heart a bit.

Hope you’re all having a good day.

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