You remember those little classes that I take when I get bored or stagnant? Well, I’m still in the process of taking one. It’s the one that homeworked me to write a letter to each of the people in my life that meant something to me and tell them what they mean. Of course, I never actually sent it out because that wasn’t part of the assignment and that would have meant showing actual feelings or whatever. You know how I’m allergic to those darn feelings. Well, tonight, it’s asked something else of me and that’s to share what each person close to you has taught you.
This exercise not only makes you realize that not all the bad is actually bad but makes you think about the lesson in every moment. So, being the good little student that I never was I thought I’d do that here, again. That way it’s in the universe but without the acknowledgement that I’ve actually had to share these feelings outwardly. Here we go again:
To my BFF – She’s taught me that no matter what prognosis you receive there is always a life that you’ll have to lead during and after. You HAVE to chose life and keep going, even when your mind has told you there’s no point. She’s taught me that people can argue and disagree but that’s ok and it’s not the end of the world or the relationship. Most thankfully though, she’s taught me what a real sibling sister relationship is. She came to live with our family for a while back in High School and she had a job that took her out of the running for a lot of the weekend hi-jinks that I used to get myself into. She worked as a waitress and by the time she was getting home from work, I was getting home from partying (I had a day job). I’d go wake her up out of her deep sleep and tell her all about he evening. By the time I was done she’d be awake and I’d be ready for bed. We’d always laughed that that’s how that went. Even now, when we get in our gab sessions on the phone I still do that to her. It’s the little things in life.
To my GBF – He’s taught me to accept the things I can not change and to try to stay positive through out it all. He’s also taught me that even when you think there’s nothing left to give, there’s always just a bit more juice at the bottom. When I first met him we were both working for one of the largest oil companies, in the customer service department. There had been a huge problem with racism and some of the higher ups of the company hadbeen recorded saying some of the most horrible things about Black people. We’d had customer calling from both sides of the coin. Some were just absolutely outraged and wanted nothing to do with the company, their gas or their credit cards. The other side were these racist a-holes that would freely use the n-word at the drop of a hat. Well, my GBF is a black man and one day he was training me which meant that I was basically listening in on phone calls that he took. Towards the end of the training session, he’d taken one call from a racist, stupid redneck who spewed the n-word as easy as saying “Hi”. He was applauding the company for doing what they were doing and said that they had his full support. My GBF sat there. Listened to this man and responded with nothing but kindness, understanding and poise. This was a long tirade from the man on the phone and I was offended. I would not have lasted as long as my friend but after the call, he asked for a moment, gently put his headset down and left. I still, to this day, don’t know what he did after that but I’ve never seen someone be so calm or collected in a situation that would have well warranted none of his patience. I appreciate being able to tell that story because I witnessed compassion for the first real time in my life.
To THE friend – I’ve learned a LOT from this one. I’ve learned patience, understanding, love and strength. I’ve also learned to put the knives down in the dishwasher 🙂 I’ve been able to witness, lately, a transformation of a person that had the will to live even though it was buried deep down but who’s forcing it to the surface, finally. He’s taught me what I want out of life and he’s taught me to be a better human. He’s also taught me that gifts don’t have to be monetary in order to count. For such a long time I’ve been around people that show you your self-worth by giving you things that others would convent. My dad started that when we were children. Instead of ever using the L-word, he’d just buy expensive gifts and that was his way. I suppose I found that in men, later in life as well. This might just be one of the most valuable gifts because you see the thought in a note, an email, a cooked dinner. The cleaning and organizing of something and these actions mean so much more. It’s tough to look at someone who has such low self-worth and who thinks that their best isn’t good enough and to make them believe that it’s not only good enough but it’s far better than anything else they or anyone else could have done. I know that I don’t do a good job conveying those thoughts to him. Sometimes I feel like I’ve failed in making him understand how amazing he is but then I have to stop myself and realize that he’ll get there when he needs to get there and that if my words help at all then maybe they’ll be tiny little stepping stones for him to use to get to a higher self. This doesn’t mean we’re perfect. I still have my insecure moments that think, “He’ll leave any day now” or that “I’ll be replaced soon enough” but I can no longer focus on those “if’s”.
And the homework is done for tonight. It wasn’t even that hard to think of all that because it’s always in the back of my mind. These are why these people are in my life. Every person has a purpose and for me, those reason are that. Plus, it’s always nice to say something nice about someone close to you even if they don’t ever see it. Also, I had a bit of a negative evening and this has taken me out of the negative space that I was in. It wasn’t even about me. It was about someone else’s negativity. But I digress.
That is my post for tonight. Hope you’re all having a great week.