Happy VD…(Valentine’s Day)

Something you might not know about Valentine’s Day is that the actual day stems from Ancient Rome as a pagan fertility festival. This entailed sacrificing animals and whipping women with animal skins until they bled to signify their fertility. (Courtesy of Cosmopolitan through Flipboard) Sexy and romantic stuff right there huh? But that is not a precursor to my summation of today.

I had a pretty low key day while doing some cleaning, a bit of exercise and some napping. I’d had a long night last night so it was warranted. But THE friend came over, which is a good thing considering I thought he’d cancel in hopes that I wouldn’t get the wrong idea but he didn’t.

Tonight was good, as I sit here with my coconut oil face mask on going through the events. He kept off his phone the entire time which I would have complimented him on but he’d beaten me to the punch. He brought dinner. We had a decently pleasant connection going on. We were very playful and there was a situation with a printer that made me think he was going to lose it or scream but he kept calm and asked for help (I think, in his way).

Being that I decompress here though I’ll tell you the one thing that I didn’t like. While I’ve always been aware of his “lack of strong feelings” towards me aside from friendship, I feel like he says or does these things intentionally that are for the purpose of proving that there’s no feelings there. I want to scream, “I get it! You’re not attracted to me.”

The other part that’s hard is that we are so very similar in so many ways. He has these reactions to things that are a lot like mine except I can see why he’s done or said something and react how I’d want someone to react but then also trying to react in such a way to make sure he knows that I know that there’s no future with us. It’s kind of an exhausting process sometimes. But, the reason it’s hard to be similar and have a lot of things in common is because that’s the type of shit you want in a relationship.

So, we have all the ingredients of a good relationship like common interests, an understanding of each others flaws, a few friends in common, a history, a desire to fix what’s wrong and to hopefully support each other in life’s common goals and even though we have our bad days, we acknowledge them, bounce back and I don’t think either of us are afraid to admit our mistakes or to apologize for making them AND trying to fix the mistakes. Yes, all the ingredients of a great relationship except without the sex or dating each other. I’ve said before that this is the universe’s cruel joke on me.

But with being said, I enjoy our time together. I wished I wasn’t the Sunday, Wednesday girl because yes, I have some idea that there’s a Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday girl as well and just maybe they get to see the fun parts of him more than I do. The fact of the matter is that I don’t care what he’s doing when we’re not together, as long as he’s not hurting himself in anyway by his behavior; however, it’s the idea that someone else gets to see a better side to him that I find myself being a bit jealous over. I don’t do jealous and I’d never admit that to anyone but you, on here.

At the end of the day though, I’ll take the Sundays and the Wednesdays because they work. I miss him sleeping over and am well aware that adults should probably not have sleepovers unless their friends are drunk but he provides a comfort that helps me sleep better. I’m happy to have not spent V-Day alone and I’m happy with our time together. I realize that most of the issues that came from tonight are mine and inside my head, not his. I also know that this friendship is teaching me how to be better in a relationship so maybe when “the one” comes along then I’ll be more than ready.

I also realize that his new state scared me for a while because I was afraid that he wouldn’t need me anymore. I’m also trying to not look at this relationship with an expiration date and to live in the moment more. I really do value more of him than he realizes and he does give me more than he thinks he has been able to give. It’s just in different forms. Some, he’ll probably never even know about.

All in all it was a good weekend. Hope you all did as well.

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Throwing Out Some Therapy…

I’ve told you all that I like to read and learn things right? Well, in my journey to be a better and more understanding person, I’ve read lots of books on mental health, psychology, PTSD and grief. Know why? Because A LOT of shit has happened to me in my life that wasn’t great and also to a lot of people that I know. I like to act as a therapist sometimes especially when I can see someone hurting and know that I might be able to do something about it. Today, I got to throw out some therapy which I was surprised was so well received.

The day started early (for me) while planning out my week of health and then it was off to my friend and insurance agents home for my monthly hair “trim”. There’s a lady that used to be a high end stylist till she realized that her clients were a-holes so she decided to leave that and just keep her family and friends as clients so once a month she travels to a bunch of homes and does her thing. Because I’ve always done something to my hair, color, straighten or heat the crap out of it, it’s been pretty over processed in the past but since I’ve been seeing her it’s so much healthier. But this time I wanted a change. It’s been slowly getting back to it’s natural color but that wasn’t enough. Today, I just decided to have her chop off half a foot. Sounds much more drastic that way than saying six inches doesn’t it?

She kept asking, “Are you sure? You really want to do this?”. Well, since she’s know me I’ve been the long, long haired really blonde girl but my response to her was, “Yep, it’s hair. It’ll grow back”. However, women get very emotionally attached to their hair. But with that said it was very cathartic to chop so much off. I felt like some of the bad shit that’s happened had been removed a bit. It’s healthier. I look younger and it’s kinda cute.

The reason I brought that up was because I was explaining the process of getting rid of things and then turned the conversation to my friend, the insurance broker. She’s much older than me but we’ve always gotten along because we don’t bullshit each other. I first met her probably a decade ago and she was happily married to an amazing man. It was just the two of them and a whole lotta dogs. After about a year or so something changed in her husband and he became so drastically depressed. She knew it was a warning sign and she tried everything to do what she could but he was so far gone that one day he decided to brutally take his own life, in the bedroom.

She saw everything. She witnessed the aftermath of the bedroom and him after the most selfish thing he’d done. I can’t imagine, not just losing someone whom you consider the love of your life, but to witness the carnage left behind. Sometimes humans shock me in the most honest, vulnerable yet strong ways ever with how she handled things. 

For a long time she was pushing back all her emotions and she’d even admitted later that if she didn’t carry so much Jewish guilt over suicide she might have followed him. She battles daily with the thought that he’s no longer here. She stayed in the house, had some things redone but his presents is everywhere in that home. She holds so much emotional attachment and anger towards him that I’ve tried many times to explain to her that she needs to release that anger or it will kill her from the inside out.

So there we were today, in her kitchen with our hair stylist and half a foot of my hair is dropping all around me. I was surprisingly calm and I looked at her face and she was just in shock. I explained to her that part of the Buddhist philosophy (not that I’m 100% there) was about dropping your emotional attachments to things and people. Letting go… You’ve all heard the phrase, “Let go and let God” right? Well the Buddhist believe that while we carry these ‘investments’ in tangible items we’re shorting our lives for their true worth.

I didn’t get that corny about it but this was all for more than just releasing her husband. She’d started dating someone a while ago and for the first time in the years since her husband past, this guy is truly a great guy. I don’t mean he had money or a great job, I have no clue about that stuff, but what I do know is this man takes care of her and forces her to let his. She’s a tough strong woman and rarely has relied on someone else and especially NOT a man. So, I asked for one thing for my birthday since she wanted to get me something. I’d asked her to take something that was her husbands that meant a lot and put it away for 30 days. Out of sight.

At this point, I really thought she was going to tell me to eff off. But I could see what her near issue would be. Her new man wanted to move it and she was going to have a huge issue getting rid of her past. All I wanted her to do was to put it away for just a short time. It’s more about moving past those things and it’s really hard to do that while ever corner you turn there’s another reminder. There is literally 90% of that home that reminds her of him. But shockingly enough, she actually did it. I think her action was less about me than about her finally wanting to move on.

I’d also asked her to do one other thing. This, to me, was the most important. She was to write her husband a letter. This would be a letter releasing every single emotion she’s still holding on to, the anger, the sadness and the guilt. She’s been given till the next time we meet to write this letter. Then it’ll be her choice whether to burn it or keep it but in my experience the burning of the letter symbolizes more about letting things go than anything but it’s her choice.

It’s strange but such a simple act of me cutting my hair may have helped someone who’s been suffering for the longest time with things that are out of her control and things that she can’t change. I pray that this lightens her life just a bit so she can totally and completely let the new guy in.

Now, if I can only take my own advice at times. Maybe if I did I wouldn’t feel like there’s such a wall between me and the people I care about the most. I’m working on one thing at a time but today made me realize that much more how much I need a man in my life that can take over for me when I’m feeling weak. I think I said it best in this previous post Letter To My Future Husband Sometimes, even when we’re not ok, helping others is the best way to get there. I need to remember that every single day.

And that, my friends, was my excruciatingly long post for today. Hope you’re having a great weekend.

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