Securing Insecurities…

That is something that all humans share, insecurities. I suppose as a common denominator we should all feel some solace in that. In one of my secret affairs with tween dramas I’ve always remember a quote from One Tree Hill. It’s a bunch of girls sitting around a living room talking about what is expected of us (women).

“Don’t be too fat, or too thin, or too dark, or too light; don’t be too sexual, or too chaste, or too smart, or too dumb.

Be yourself. But make sure you fit in.”

Isn’t that how we all live these days? We’re all either too big, small, short, tall. We’re too dark or too light or too empowered or not empowered enough. It’s exhausting for both men and women. Then comes social media to show us just how insecure we are. There are these insanely beautiful women with insanely perfect bodies, hair and makeup and we’re all suppose to either jump on the bandwagon or be left in the dirt?

And lets not forget men either. The men are asked to have perfect hair, beards, have washboard abs and have ridiculously expensive cars and be able to take a woman out for a night on the town that some fictional character “Mr. Grey” would be envious of all while beating their women into submission and calling it passion?

Since when did everything become so publicized, so unnecessary, so unattainable? I perpetuate the problem as many of us do. I dress myself up in hopes of getting some sort of attention that I feel is lacking in my life. I flirt with men to boost their egos knowing that it’ll get me something that I want. I carry expensive purses out of the sheer feeling of having something that someone else might convent.

But it’s impossible. No one can be all things that they need to be and therefore it gives us all this sense of “I’m not worthy”. “I’m not worthy to be with this person.” “I’m not worthy to have this kind of love.” “I’m not worthy of this job, this family or this whatever.”

I had a guy once tell me that he never thought I was someone who was self-conscious because I appeared to be so strong and proud of who I was. It was another one of those moments in time that I remember what he was wearing. I remember what he looked like when he said it and I remember how I felt when he did. I remember telling him that all of us, everyone feels like they don’t fit in or that there’s always someone better out there but the trick was to make others believe that you do fit in and you are the best. He said I did a good job at it. I’m not sure that I have done a great job of any of that lately.

These thoughts stems from a few things. Mainly, they are based on THE friends and my friendship. It’s the strangest thing. Some days, he makes me feel warm and fuzzy and fun and loved. Some days he brings out insecurities in me that I didn’t even know were there. But in a strange turn of events, his insecurities are brought out by certain situations as well. I don’t think I bring them out in him but certain instances do. He says these horrible things about himself, things that I’ve never thought of him.

I told him that I wanted to shake him and make him see himself through my eyes but I know I can’t. Knowing these things makes me understand things a bit more but I don’t need him to feel bad so that things are clear to me. It’s a strange situation that we’re in and it still feels like there’s some sort of barrier between us. There’s some unspoken truth that I can’t see or that he doesn’t want to share. We’ve gone through a lot but there still feels like there’s so much more to get through and sometimes my words to him fall on deaf ears. Either that or his perception of himself is so low that all the truthful things that I throw at him to penetrate his walls are just bouncing off and landing back two feet in front of me.

Those are the times when I feel that all the kind words I begrudgingly share with him are just hurting him because he’s not in the right place to hear them. Which makes me feel insecure because I’ve never been that honest with anyone. So, his insecurities make me push even harder for him to hear the good things and that in turn makes him feel like crap because he doesn’t believe them. So we are in an endless cycle which can not continue.

Also, I fear that I’m just a placeholder for his next girlfriend and he fears that his actions or words will push me away… Do you see the problem here? Aside from some mutual form of therapy, I don’t know what else to do. I want to be the supportive friend but I also HAVE to know that this friendship is making a difference, in a good way. I don’t want him to worry about another thing in his life.

That’s also a reason why I choose to write about our issues here before bringing them up to him. Some of them are MY insecurities and NOT so much about him. The problem for me is that I’ve never had someone bring this crap out in me before. I’ve always had a “This is who I am, if you don’t like it go away” attitude because I like myself. I have no clue if he’s ever had a friendship like this so I couldn’t tell you what this does to him.

I do know that he has been trying so hard to make sure that everything is ok but there’s still so much that I want to say to him but in his current state it would be easier to hear bad shit which is not what this is about. So, in following up with yesterday’s post with the million dollar questions, “If I could give one thing to someone else what would it be and why?” I’d give THE friend the ability to see himself as I do. If he did he’d see someone that, even with imperfections, is a good person. Someone that has a so much to give. Someone that is so scared to love because it’s been taken away so many times or lost. He’d see someone that is worth all this and more if he just let his guard down, stopped fighting whatever it is that he’s fighting. Show some true, real, emotions aside from anger and let someone truly in his world.

I’m not sure I’ve conveyed that to him or made it even appear to be ok to do that with me. If I haven’t then I’ve failed and there again perpetuating the cycle of insecurities.

And now, to finalize, I will quote Stewart Smally. To all of you that read this, know and believe that you are good enough, smart enough and dog-gone-it people like you! Randomly tell someone close to you something nice today just because, then do what I do and punch them in the arm and call them a bitch afterward.


The Winds of Change are coming…

The winds of change are coming, or so my horoscope would have me believe. Even though I put much less stock in them as I used to they are still part of my “getting ready for bed routine”. Basically they’ve been saying that with my birth month here, the new moon and a few other things, my world will start to change in both career and love. Since I’m leaning more toward skeptical and jaded lately, I am not such a believer this time around.

Some idiot, somewhere in history once said that if your career is going well then your love life is shit (paraphrasing of course) or if your love life is fruitfully growing then your career is in the toilet. Apparently, his (or her) life was half great at one point and someone decided to write that quote down. Idiots.

I say that because what if both your career and your love life feel like they are floating in a commode with no end in sight? What’s the third part of your life that’s suppose to be great if all else fails? Don’t ask me this as I have no effing clue. I can barely muster the strength to get out of bed, go to work and not punch someone in the throat most days.

Regardless of all of that my thoughts have been racing today, about everything. Then I come home tonight with the intent to go have drinks with a friend and completely pass out. I don’t usually do that on a school (work) night because it screws with my sleep so we’ll see how tonight’s going to go.

There seems to be a cloud of despair around those close to me right now and for some unknown reason, some have come here looking for some sort of help. They assume I can deliver some sort of profound astronomical insight that will make their lives fall back into place or at least land in a better space. Where they got the idea that my life isn’t about my choices and therefor I know something they don’t has me dumbfounded. Granted, I have been know to give good advice yet very seldom take it, but no where near enough to navigate someone else to their happy place.

I think my happy place went into foreclosure somewhere along the way. I hope that the new buyer is choosing to do something worth while with it or has found some solace in what was once a place that I resided. That was back in the day that I was so blissfully unaware what it was like to be a true adult while being powdered in “nights in white satin” (as they say).

I do tend to bring up my hazy days of my drug induced adolescence a lot but it’s not because I want to go back there. It’s because those days held so much hope. Granted we were all so young, dumb and full of fun 🙂 but we were true, honest and there was a lot of innocence. Amazingly enough, we actually ALL made it out alive. I’ll never understand that part of it but am blessed to have.

We used to do these stupidly, innocent, strangely entertaining things. We’d go to this local dam and sit there asking stupid questions of each other for hours like “If you could give one human emotion to someone who would it be and why?” Or “If you could leave one thing as a legacy what would it be?” We’d come up with some poetic answer that seemed like God himself had come down from the heavens and answered it. They became known as “The Million Dollar Questions”. And I’d be asked to bust them out at all the ragers.

Our parties would normally be either at someone’s house that someone’s parents had forgotten to parent or a hotel room. There would be a low lit living room with some sort of Hooverphonics or Lords of Acid playing and girls dancing like they were all chasing moonbeans. Then there would be a few occupied bedrooms. There would usually be some strangely going on in the kitchen like playing tag with spray cans of whip cream, which usually ended up in the bedrooms. Lastly, there would be a group of people that were all synced together in their haze of consciousness. One or two people would be playing acoustic guitar, a few would be singing but we’d all be together and loving and truthful. There would always be someone there to catch you when you were falling from your state with some other pill that would soften the blow of sobriety. Then, morning would come too quickly and we’d all gather around at the park and continue the acoustic serenade and no one cared that we’d not showered or that our “Robert Smith” eyeliner was everywhere but where it was supposed to be.

Those were some memorable times. Well, they were times that should have been remembered if it wasn’t for the self induced amnesia performed by illegal substances. Those were much simpler times of course we were all hiding the parts of ourselves that we didn’t like, our insecurities, our losses, our pain and for those moments we were all equal and loved.

I reread all of that and think I should have been a hippy but it was a much more subconscious plane than that. Whether is was all actually real or not I chose to believe that what we all went through got us all to where we are now. When I speak to those old friends there’s a lot of “I miss those times” or “I miss what we all had”. But I guess we all had to grow up sometime.

I would have had drinks with one of them tonight. Apparently, I didn’t need the trip down memory lane even though I just went there anyway.

Those are my thoughts and memories tonight. Hope you’re having a great week.