So, today marked the official end of my birthday celebration. My friend, THE friend, surprised me with a homemade birthday cake tonight and I was trilled. He also made dinner, made the menu for Superbowl Sunday and has been really great. I still feel as though there’s this weird strange divide between us. Problem is, I’m not sure who’s actually initiating this unspoken boundary.
I noticed tonight that every time we touched at the movies, I’d pull away or he’d pull away. We have lost that intimate feeling we used to have and I’m not sure it’s coming back anytime soon but that something that I really needed and need. There’s not a whole lot of people that I let get that close to me and he was one of the few. I realized how much I missed that, problem is, I think he’ll think it means more than it does and that’s why he’s not doing it. Stupid effing boundaries.
Here’s the other thing too, we still don’t really have something that’s just ours, which is super important to me. I want to know that “we” have an “only us” thing. And damn it if that whole drinking thing isn’t true… Yes, had one strong drink tonight and that was enough to make me giggle. I’m such a lightweight and I really need to stop doing that.
So here’s what’s going to happen on Sunday. I’m going to drink enough to get happy. I’m going to have a great time. Then he’ll say something like, “You can stay here. I’ll sleep on the couch”. Then I’ll be bummed and drive home anyway. And this is why I might just be the only control freak that allows someone else who’s a control freak to make my decisions based on my own personal safety because I obviously do not. I shouldn’t have driven right after that drink tonight and he might have forced me to at least drink some water but he’s trying to work on being too pushy or aggressive about stuff but I actually liked that because it meant that someone was looking out for me.
Here’s another problem too. I have tried for years to fall out of whatever emotions my heart has chosen to set aside for him and just when I think I’m there, there he is checking another effing thing off my box. (I realize that sounded dirty) But seriously, we like the same music which is so huge. There’s not too many people that listen to classical or instrumental these days and actually like it. Aside from that one it’s like if I had a note card with all the things I like in a guy I could just go down that list and check off so many of those damn things with him. But when I’m out with other men it’s like, “Yeah, so you are dumb and I don’t like you but you’re pretty AND interested so I guess I’ll keep ya around”. Life can be cruel at times. Especially with all of this.
One of the last letters my ex wrote before he passed said, “The man who finally puts your heart back together and that you allow to love you will be the luckiest man in the world.” Sweet right? Maybe he should have passed that message on. One of the things that scares me the most is that he realizes too late that he wants to be with me. You know, after 10lbs are gone, or because my hairs different or because I got botox or something. Because, with all that’s gone on, at the lowest state he’s been at, he’s been enough and that’s never wavered.
Make no mistake that I’m holding out hope for any of that though. It’s just really hard to date others when you feel that one of your closest friends is the one that you want, need and think about the most. Regardless of all that. I appreciate all that he does now. Now, if we can only find that sweet spot from before mixed in with the awesomeness of now.
I’m off to bed now.