To Be Thankful Challenge

DearLilyJune, has nominated me for the Be Thankful Challenge and it’s such a great idea. Thank you for the nomination. I also want to say that I’m thankful for DearLilyJune’s blog. It’s a beautiful idea and Miss Lily June is blessed to have such a great Mom.

Challenge Rules

Share this image in your blog post

Write about five people in your life you are thankful for
Write about five things in 2015 that you are thankful for
Spread the love and challenge five other blogs to take part

Five people in my life that I’m thankful for.

1.) My BFF and Sister: She and I have know each other longer than we haven’t and she is my strength, my laughter and my sanity at times. We’ve both held each other up, saved each other from ourselves and brought each other to tears. We say this of each other, “You are my first priority and last resort”. We often joke that we’ll be single, in our 80’s and living together with a bunch of dogs. I could not have made it this long without her. Those nights where we stay up till 5 in the morning and laugh about the most horrible things are some of the best nights in my life. I will never question her love, caring or concern for me. It is a true Sisters bond without the blood. My parents faux adopted her and now she’s as crazy as I am; however, she didn’t have that far to go.

2.) My Niece: Her laughter is infections. She’s an innocent version of me. She’s beautiful and hasn’t been jaded by all the world will offer one day. To sit and watch her learn and play and just be a kid is one of the greatest gifts in this world. She made me realize that I want to have a child for her to grow up with. She introduced possibilities of what could be for me. She’s crazy smart and perfect. I love that little monkey.

3.) My GBF (Gay Best Friend): I’ve know him for a very long time as well. One of my first encounters with him was the gift of watching him with poise, strength and humanity. He teaches me tolerance, patience and kindness. He’s shown up when I’m at my worst and makes me never question why we’re friends. He’s a positive influence with all things and his kindness is always a great surprise. He gives so much of himself to others and it’s proved to me that there’s always more to give in myself. He’s taught me lessons that I never knew I needed to learn.

4.) My other BF: She has taught me that if you want something bad enough, you will find a way to get it. She’s shown me that, if needed, I am strong enough to do things on my own. Because of her and her friendship, she’s given me the opportunity to see what a real, true family’s love can do. Her parents took me in as their own growing up and I still see then as my faux parents. They are wonderful people who have lots of love to give, whether you be blood or not.

5.) My Friend (THE Friend): While we’ve known of each other an extremely long time, we’ve only truly known each other for a short while yet he’s taught me so much. He’s taught me kindness, patience, tolerance and unconditional love. He’s shown me that I am not a callous, heartless bitch and that I can love, care or offer kindness beyond anything that I could ever imagine. He’s shown me what I want for the future and that money, things and “normal” doesn’t matter. He’s taught me compromise and beauty in things that I would have never seen before. He proves that sometimes, just sometimes, I can still be completely and totally surprised by humans in such a good way. He lets me let my guard down enough to realize that what we have is something different and something special and may never be what I want but might be actually what I need.

Five Things I am grateful for

1.) I’m grateful for my music, all kinds and all day.
2.) I’m grateful for this blog so that all my crazy has an outlet and for all the readers that come here and tolerate my crazy rants.
3.) I’m grateful for the surprises in life. The one’s that come out of no where and smack you for a great reason.
4.) I’m grateful for my career. No matter how hectic it is and stressful, it’s something that I like to do and it gives me the monetary support for me to live.
5.) I’m grateful for love. It doesn’t always go as planned and it’s not always in the form you want it to be in but it’s there, all around you.

I nominate the following to take part in the challenge – Each of these bloggers have made some sort of impression whether it be because they make me laugh, think or just entertain but anyone who reads this please feel free to do this. It’s a great way to remember the good things in life.

1. Kindness Blog

2. Stumelton

3. Marta Frant

4. Thoughts of Sheryl

5. Stan


Boundaries or no Boundaries… That is the question.

So, today marked the official end of my birthday celebration. My friend, THE friend, surprised me with a homemade birthday cake tonight and I was trilled. He also made dinner, made the menu for Superbowl Sunday and has been really great. I still feel as though there’s this weird strange divide between us. Problem is, I’m not sure who’s actually initiating this unspoken boundary.

I noticed tonight that every time we touched at the movies, I’d pull away or he’d pull away. We have lost that intimate feeling we used to have and I’m not sure it’s coming back anytime soon but that something that I really needed and need. There’s not a whole lot of people that I let get that close to me and he was one of the few. I realized how much I missed that, problem is, I think he’ll think it means more than it does and that’s why he’s not doing it. Stupid effing boundaries.

Here’s the other thing too, we still don’t really have something that’s just ours, which is super important to me. I want to know that “we” have an “only us” thing. And damn it if that whole drinking thing isn’t true… Yes, had one strong drink tonight and that was enough to make me giggle. I’m such a lightweight and I really need to stop doing that.

So here’s what’s going to happen on Sunday. I’m going to drink enough to get happy. I’m going to have a great time. Then he’ll say something like, “You can stay here. I’ll sleep on the couch”. Then I’ll be bummed and drive home anyway. And this is why I might just be the only control freak that allows someone else who’s a control freak to make my decisions based on my own personal safety because I obviously do not. I shouldn’t have driven right after that drink tonight and he might have forced me to at least drink some water but he’s trying to work on being too pushy or aggressive about stuff but I actually liked that because it meant that someone was looking out for me.

Here’s another problem too. I have tried for years to fall out of whatever emotions my heart has chosen to set aside for him and just when I think I’m there, there he is checking another effing thing off my box. (I realize that sounded dirty) But seriously, we like the same music which is so huge. There’s not too many people that listen to classical or instrumental these days and actually like it. Aside from that one it’s like if I had a note card with all the things I like in a guy I could just go down that list and check off so many of those damn things with him. But when I’m out with other men it’s like, “Yeah, so you are dumb and I don’t like you but you’re pretty AND interested so I guess I’ll keep ya around”. Life can be cruel at times. Especially with all of this.

One of the last letters my ex wrote before he passed said, “The man who finally puts your heart back together and that you allow to love you will be the luckiest man in the world.” Sweet right? Maybe he should have passed that message on. One of the things that scares me the most is that he realizes too late that he wants to be with me. You know, after 10lbs are gone, or because my hairs different or because I got botox or something. Because, with all that’s gone on, at the lowest state he’s been at, he’s been enough and that’s never wavered.

Make no mistake that I’m holding out hope for any of that though. It’s just really hard to date others when you feel that one of your closest friends is the one that you want, need and think about the most. Regardless of all that. I appreciate all that he does now. Now, if we can only find that sweet spot from before mixed in with the awesomeness of now.

I’m off to bed now.