I was going through a memory box the other day that I’d had hidden and found an envelope that my ex’s mother had sent me. He’s the one who past away last year. Inside were some of his CD’s of concerts that we’d gone to. There were also some notes or letters that he’d written me that I guess he’d never expected to send. I get that. I do that myself but his were all nice and loving.
Sometimes, I think that I could never have been with him entirely because I didn’t deserve to be loved, not that greatly. That wasn’t the truth though. The truth was that we were never that compatible. We never fought or argued. There wasn’t any passion. I wouldn’t ever let him touch me in public. I believe that couples should argue, it’s part of passion and the fact that he was Spanish, I always assumed that he was suffocating himself and his emotions. I was more of the man in that relationship because I was just numb and didn’t care.
In the looks department though, he was absolutely my type. I like tall men but the truth is just under 6 foot is perfect for me. I’m a tall girl and standing eye to eye with a man (in boots) is kinda sexy. He had dark hair. These kind eyes that I would stare into and wonder what the hell he was doing in this loveless relationship with me. He had a nice body but chest hair which I do not find sexy.
He never met my family. I’d met his. He’d never met my best friend. I’d met his. He was barely ever at my home. We were always at his. He was so proper and a gentleman which is great sometimes but I also want a guy who has a hair out of place, has clothes with holes that he wears to do shit around the house in. I want a guy that doesn’t always have to be perfect.
He never knew my history. He never knew my favorite flower, color or what I’m scared of. We never had intimate conversations with secrets being spilled because I felt so comfortable. He wasn’t spontaneous. He wasn’t adventurous. He wasn’t ever loved, by me. That sounds harsh and cold but that wasn’t a secret. I told him the truth about how I felt, or didn’t feel and it didn’t matter. He saw something he wanted and thought he could have it. He was wrong.
The last conversation we’d had was pleasant. There were no hurt feelings and it ended the way it should have and from what his mom had said, he was happy. I was angry after I’d found out about his death because I felt like he’d wasted his time on being in love with me when he should have been making someone else happy that deserved him but I’m at peace with everything now. I believe in the domino effect and that everything still happens for a reason.
There’s also a reason why I still work with the first guy I was ever in love with. He knows me enough to know when to have a conversation with me about something and he gives good advice all while still looking out for my best interests as well. He’s happily married and I really like his wife so there’s nothing there and hasn’t been for a very long time. I actually remember the day I fell out of love with him because he was never my forever. But regardless, we work well together.
Some boyfriends or dates might be jealous about that but it doesn’t matter who the first love of your life is. It only matters who the last one is. This goes the same for relationships and sex, to me. It doesn’t matter about all the others. It only matters about the one your with right now. That’s why I don’t really ask too many questions about previous relationships. After each on, the slate is wiped clean and you get to start over. While everyone still has their “patterns” on what they do with dates, it’s all about the new experience with that person.
Do they worry about the intricate details? Do they take time to plan something special? Do they take into account your needs, wants or desires? When they touch you, is it a soft graze, a playful slap or a rough passionate pull? Do they anticipate the things that they secretly know you like? Do they look you in the eyes when they speak to you? Do they pull out the information they’re looking for? Are they a gentleman when they need to be but take control where they should?
For me, it’s always gone beyond holding a door open for a lady, putting the toilet seat down or pulling a chair out for me to sit. It’s about those small little things that I notice. Do they say “God bless you” after a sneeze? Do they wipe that tiny little eye lash from under your eye? Do they slowly kiss your cheek right above your lip, then pause and kiss you ever so tenderly on the lips?
Hmmm, so it seems I’ve gone off on a tangent and I’m really not sure why. I guess traveling down memory lane but imagining an entirely different memory is what’s going on. This whole thing started to let go of my ex, for good, which is why I burned his letters. Seems cold right? It’s actually cathartic for me. It’s symbolizes the finality of all of it for me. I’m finally of clear mind. This will only assure the next real relationship doesn’t come with relationship baggage from my side. I’ve never really been into bringing past relationships into new ones anyway.
I’ll leave you with two of MY favorite songs from the CD’s in his box. He hated them both but I always liked them.
Hope you’re off to a great weekend.