Today was a bad day, at work anyway. It astonishes me that there is so much drama that I’m willing to put up with. It’s a weird thought. I suppose some of it is the time of year. It’s tax time so it’s pretty stressful anyway but my tolerance for self-induced pain is outstanding. I’ve become a masochist, over time, through the years. That statement is funny since I have the lowest threshold for pain ever.
I had to act like a Boss today, which i hate. I also had to put on my mediator hat, therapist hat and my serious face all day. Gone are the days I get to just show up, work and leave it all there, not that that’s happened for a while.
As far as the other stuff goes? I have no idea. My heart and head are at odds again. I keep trying to drown my thoughts with exercise. It helps while I’m doing it but then, the first moment that I have time to think about shit I start to overthink things. The hardest part here is that I’ve never been like this before, or with anyone else. I guess I’ve never really acted like a girl. People tell me this is how girls are SUPPOSED TO act. If that’s the case, I like my old, don’t give a shit attitude way better.
I really wish the weekend was here already. I’m in need of a nap and late night doing something reserved for just then. I’m not even sure what I’m going to do yet anyway. People keep offering to take me out for steak. Who am I to turn down a good steak anyway? Sometimes, I can’t believe I didn’t eat red meat for five years but it proves that if I really want something then I can do it.
I hate a weird thought today. When I’m super stressed I drive. So, at lunch, I drove. Since I’m usually prone to the same path of non-resistance, I always pass this one homeless man. I’ve seen him for years. He’s never asked for money. He carries no sign and he can fit all of his belongings in a few bags which he carries everywhere. It reminded me of a Mardi Gras trip in New Orleans when we’d lost my brother. After several hours he was found but when we asked him where he was he’d said he was hanging out with the homeless people to see what it was like. Yes, he was drunk and my brother isn’t someone who’s existential but I was always intrigued with what made him really do that.
That particular trip had a lot of surprises but that always stood out. It’s always bothered me to know that a substantial amount of homeless people are there because of two things. One, they are war veterans and two because they have some sort of mental issue. I always had a fear that a few of my friends would end up that way. I’ve always been a very understanding person when it comes to mental issues because it’s so common these days. I’d rather be the person that spends the time to do the research and try to fix or understand an issue that to brush it aside.
I don’t really know why that’s on my mind right now aside from the fact that I’ve been reading a lot lately. I think I just need to focus on helping others and that is a great place to start. My three biggest causes to support, Multiple sclerosis, Breast cancer and veterans. Each touches me in a different way, through experiences in life. So, maybe, for my birthday I’ll go do some more volunteer work or something. It’s usually things that just randomly pop up in your mind that mean it’s something you need to think about.
Maybe if I focus on helping someone else my life won’t seem so, lost. According to my sign, the only true happiness is when I’m helping someone else. I tend to agree with that. At least that way I’d have something happy to write about.
I’ve officially forgotten to eat my days lately. The only thing I remember is to write here and post my songs but that’s only got two more days. This is why I need structure and routine even though I crave surprises and spontaneity. I’m confusing. Trust me. I know this. Maybe by the time the weekends over, I’ll have something substantial to write about, something happy. We shall see. None of this is the most important stuff in my head right now.
Hope you’re having a good week.