I do realize that some of my rants or ramblings would normally put me in the nut house and that it really appears that I am bipolar but these are the reasons why this is my secret space. It helps me get all my crap out here so it doesn’t explode in the real world.
I had a whole other thing written but decided against it because I took most of my anger out in an hour long cardio session. My evening tonight was much more productive and healthy than last night. Last night I decided to have drinks with a friend, late. I got tipsy, we got flirty and he got an idea. I’m sure I would have gone ahead with his idea except I was too tired, tipsy and angry to care. Plus, it’s not that easy to get inside of any part of me. That might be the reason so many try because it becomes sport and there’s some sort of trophy at the end.
Blah, and there’s my mood showing again. I’m still angry, confused, hurt and I don’t know the rest. I don’t drink much at all and especially not when I’m emotional but it felt like something I wanted to do. I usually just workout like a crazy person which is much better therapy. There’s forty reasons why I felt like shit yesterday and only one thing that would have truly made it all go away. I didn’t get that or at least from the right person anyway and I know I never will.
My ex wants to take me out for my birthday this week. That’s the question on everyone’s lips, “What do you want for your birthday?” Honestly, I just want a quiet night at home with a home cooked meal and a movie, maybe a bath and a back rub… That’s all. Some people might call me basic for that but I like simplistic. Friends give flowers, jewelry and expensive dinners. Some even offer trips and other expensive things but I can do all that myself. It’s times like this I wish someone could read my mind. I’m sure it wouldn’t be a pleasant experience at all. I need that feeling of being coupled without the responsibility right now. I can’t really handle anything more than that. I don’t say this much but I just need to not be alone right now. Wow, that even sounds weird hearing myself say it in my head. I have denied what I’ve needed in my life for as long as I can remember. So there you have my honesty tonight.