It seems as though, tonight, God might have answered my prayers. I feel myself slipping away from the connection that my friend and I shared. The problem with answered prayers? They’re not always what you expect, in fact they’re rarely what you expect. I just didn’t feel anything tonight. I didn’t feel that same connection that started a little over three years ago. Maybe this IS where he’s been the whole time. Maybe that’s the answer. Or maybe none of this is the answer. If this has been where he’s at this whole time I can understand why it was so easy for someone to break this. I’m tired of being a placeholder because while he’s out looking for the love of his life, I’m putting his feelings before everything else. I refuse to hold a place for anyone because I’m worth so much more than he’ll ever understand.
My friend, from the Northeast has offered me to work full time for him in the future. This will allow me to move wherever I need to go. There will be nothing keeping me here aside from a few close friends that will make the trek to wherever I go to see me and vice versa. So, I could move to Austin with family and watch my niece grow up. All I know is that I’m too old for what I’m doing now.
My brother sent me this video last night of my niece. It was her brushing her teeth, flossing and putting everything strategically back. I’m reminded of my OCD when I watched this. People say that she reminds them of me, a lot. She’s barely three and has these little traits that I have. It’s really unbelievable. My point it that I want that. I don’t want to do this effing waiting around any longer for some stupid meaningless connection which doesn’t seem possible with anyone any longer.
I hate feeling like this. It’s an empty space feeling inside and it’s not some chemical imbalance. It’s the realization that my life could be entirely different if I’d just chosen either one of those guys or a different job or just a different life. My life choices seemed so trivial when I was making them and arbitrary but now they make me feel like I’m in the wrong life.
I deserve to have what I want. I deserve to have a family and I deserve to be happy and in a life where things didn’t turn out like this. No, my life doesn’t suck it’s just disappointing to me and my vision. I refuse to be around my younger friends, who are either playing around like children or happily married and share these thoughts. I refuse to be around my older friends who are divorced and unhappy and share these thoughts.
My birthday is a week away and I am smart enough to know that spending nights out, with random people is immature and spending my nights in being sad is unacceptable. I’m not sure where that leaves me right now. I used to look forward to my friend and my’s little outings until I realized that I might just be the first one on this list that replied. There’s nothing special any longer.
Am I sad that the connection is fleeting, this time, so fast with my friend? I don’t even know the answer to that. For such a long time, it’s felt like the only real thing that I’ve had. I could always count on feeling that way. It had become a sort of tether that would bring me out of these moods but I also knew that it was only time. I knew that those feelings, just like everything in life, had an expiration date and I also knew that if that ash wasn’t flamed that it would die out and I also knew that if I wasn’t explained by him what the hell this all was to him then I’d realize it was time to not keep doing this. I was just hoping that what was left after the ash died wouldn’t be an unrecognizable mess of typical. He and I really and truly have NOTHING that is just ours, not any more. That statement wasn’t said by someone who has/had feelings for someone else. It’s was said by someone that wants something special with each and every one of her close friends and I have that with all except him. This isn’t something but to pass the time with.
I really need an answered prayer right now but I don’t even know what my question is anymore. I don’t think I’m ok right now and of course, I’ve ignored all the texts and phone calls for the past few hours as to shut myself off from the world because that’s the only thing that I know how to do really, really well.
My hope is that I wake up tomorrow and this is all just a mood that I’m in but my fear is that it’s not. Maybe this friendship kept me here three years longer than it should or just proved to me what I really wanted and needed but right now it’s only lesson is one of sadness and a realization of a feeling that I’ve never had before slipping away so fast.
You know, I’ve never been one that expected to be saved nor blissfully happier than anyone else that I knew. But I expected to find someone that kept me grounded, had meaningful conversations with and shared some sort of intimacy that I’d never had before. What I ask for, and what I deserve is nothing extraordinary. Where the hell is he????? I’m so tired of waiting.
I’m off to have a drink on a empty stomach with someone that I probably shouldn’t. We’ll see just how horrible this turns out tomorrow. So much for the full moons greatness this weekend. So much for emotions cause today they are useless.
Is this the end?